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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lying ...

279 replies

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 15:28

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:02

They can also refuse treatment regardless of what their parents want.

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:02

That’s in respect to counselling and sexual health.

And it’s Fraser Competent and has been for a good 10 years.

I worked in teenage sexual health and counselling.

OP posts:
IdleBet · 30/12/2019 19:02

YANBU. My own DC wouldn't wear something new of mine without asking.

You know her personality more than people on this thread.

Although I don't know how you have lasted 10 years with a man who is over the top strict with your own DC and slack with his own.

Taddda · 30/12/2019 19:03

Ok 'topgate'....are we talking Topshop or Balenciaga.. ..? (It'd change my stance on letting it go or being seriously pissed.....Hmm)

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:05

And am now a social worker.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 30/12/2019 19:07

In a way you could be flattered. My daughters would have never been seen dead in anything I would order, let alone at 15 years old Grin

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:09
  • You do realise that clothes aren't new and will have always been worn by someone else? What does this even mean?*

So much angst about oooh someone wore my new clothing.
Or do people really think that those clothes you just bought have never been worn? 🤣

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:12

It's in respect to a lot more than councilling and sex health.

And if you want to get technical it's Gillick competency and Fraser guidelines.

Gillick btw was introduced in 1985 for the Uk and 1991 for Scotland.,

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:14

It's Fraser guidelines that focus on councilling and sex health btw.

But hey I'm not a social worker. I just like to know my childrens own rights.

HairyString · 30/12/2019 19:15

YANBU OP. Your situation would really piss me off too. Can you back right off or even move out ? I this sort of crap would have me retreating into my own world until they are off his hands.

DimplesMcGee · 30/12/2019 19:15

And I don’t think OP was complaining about them opening the windows, she was replying to a PP who suggested they might be drinking pints of hot chocolate because they were cold!

cheninblanc · 30/12/2019 19:16

MrsBrentford - same with my sd and its brushed under the carpet. If my dh caught my dds lying he'd go on about it for hours! Yesterday she took something of mine and got caught trying to put it back without me seeing 🙄. And she knew I was looking for it. Makes me really cross tbh

Ceejly · 30/12/2019 19:18

@MrsBrentford she's 15. She did somethinh she shouldn't have out of greediness and she was embarrassed but then admitted to it. You behaved like a bratty teen because she is a bratty teen. As a secondary school teacher she actually sounds decent. You need to be the adult here and get over your top being stretched. It'll bounce back once it's washed.

XXcstatic · 30/12/2019 19:18

And it’s Fraser Competent and has been for a good 10 years

Wrong. They are not the same thing link. I am surprised that a social worker with a background in teenage healthcare doesn't know that.

You sound as if you resent these kids, so nothing they can do is right in your eyes.

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:19

It’s COUNSELLING ffs.

She is under 16, DH has every right to know about her health.

OP posts:
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:21

Victoria Gillick no longer wanted her name associated with the guidelines.

No one uses her name anymore.

They are the exact same thing, they are now referred to as the Fraser Guidelines (he was the judge in that case).

OP posts:
Umberta · 30/12/2019 19:22

Can you back right off or even move out?
This PP has a point. If you're not willing to try and resolve these petty squabbles amicably, NB petty squabbles that you are initiating, then this is your only solution really, move out. Your DH is not going to stop them from visiting. So you either put up with their more relaxed habits (yes, I'd say borrowing my mum's jumper is a relaxed familial thing to do, as is drinking as much hot choc as I feel like in my own home, or open the window if I'm hot), or you leave. Put like that, it does seem like an overreaction now doesn't it?

Umberta · 30/12/2019 19:23

...now you're squabbling in a petty way with commenters about technicalities and spelling errors. Please, Op, take a step back and breathe, take a bath. No one is attacking you, not your stepdaughters or anyone. You are being belligerent for no reason

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 30/12/2019 19:23

God - I hate the word 'tub'.

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:24

It really doesn't matter how it is spelt. As a SW it seems crazy that you aren't aware they don't have to give their consent to him knowing or their mum.
Once she turns 16, even more, surgery options open up to her without the need for parental consent.

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:26

It’s my house, so no I won’t be leaving.

To suggest my husband has no right to his daughters medical issues is ridiculous.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:26

I didn't know that the house of Lords was called judges. Learn something new everyday.

When it was passed by the Lords
The House of Lords focused on the issue of consent rather than a notion of 'parental rights' or parental power. In fact, the court held that 'parental rights' did not exist, other than to safeguard the best interests of a minor. The majority held that in some circumstances a minor could consent to treatment, and that in these circumstances a parent had no power to veto treatment

IHateBlueLights · 30/12/2019 19:27

Oh dear, OP.

You are a step mother on Mumsnet. You aren't allowed to be right. You aren't allowed to criticise step children, even if they are axe murderers. They came from a golden uterus and you must kow tow to them constantly.

The vipers are out in force. Weird people.

Your DH has to step up.

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 19:27

Anyone with parental responsibility has a statutory right to apply for access to their child's health records. If the child is capable of giving consent, access may only be given with his or her consent.

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 19:28

She can go to the GP alone yes, but she cannot access medical treatment without her parents consent (in extreme circumstances she can have a termination at 15 without her parents knowing).

The reasons they are missing school is because their mother is £600 in arrears with the school bus money.

OP posts: