Lying ...

[MrsBrentford]

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

Teenage girls are such bitches aren't they? I would not be happy with their behaviour.

I wonder if maybe you and your DH disagree about what "consequences" are appropriate, rather than him "wimping out". You say you speak to him and he agrees but then wimps out, but I postulate that he's just saying yeah yeah ok fine, but doesn't go through with it because inwardly he doesn't agree.
Well yes but that’s a big part of the problem. It sounds like ops dh would have allowed HER children one glass of hot choc on Sundays if they had been good all day. I really couldn’t forgive unadmitted hypocrisy that affected my children.

@timeisnotaline so who is really at fault? DH for being strict with OP's children (who she states have gone on to become loving, well grounded adults having being given the correct upbringing having fair boundaries implemented- contradictory?), OP for allowing her then new husband to treat her children in a way she found 'far too strict, given that she was already strict with them'....surely that should have been addressed at the time??

It's the blame that's directed towards her DSD's that makes me feel uncomfortable, the instances of 'disrespect' that are being described are highly disproportionate to the reaction it garnered from the OP. Did they really piss you off that much? Or are you always thinking 'DH and myself would never have let my children get away with this'...given your refusal to parent your DSd's because you don't want to be labelled the 'evil bitch step mother' and 'you are not their mother, they have a mother' (I really hope you don't say this to them directly- how on earth do you gain respect from a statement like that? Your still their stepmother, a parent figure!?) How do they even know where your boundaries are? No wonder their pushing them!

You described your DH as 'wimping out' in situations where you have talked about discipline/ consequences - it would be interesting to hear his view point on whether he thinks your being fair towards his children? Perhaps you should have taken his stance with your own?

It all sounds highly resentful-

Agree Tadda. The OP clearly feels guilt for allowing her DH to be so strict with her own kids, but lacks the emotional maturity to face up to that guilt and is instead taking it out on her DSDs.

She is trying to even things up by getting her DH to treat his DC the same as her DC, which - by the sound of it- is never going to happen. She needs to forgive herself for what happened with her own DC and accept that, if she could go back in time, she would have stood up for them more but, as it turns out, they are fine. In fairness to her DH, I think most of us had ideas about how we would parent teens when our kids were younger that did not stand up to reality when our DC actually hit 13 .