Lying ...

[MrsBrentford]

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

I got up to make coffee for DH and I and she was up and showered and dressed.

DSD2 has a shower and then DH, it was about three hours after I had first seen her that I asked the whereabouts of the top.

It was also warm when she gave it back to me.

She had it in under her brand new jumper.

She probably panicked when she realised the grey top wasn't hers and said she found it under the bed. She handed it over. She didn't lie when you called her out on it.

You sound like you don’t like them. You asked if she’d had it on and she said yes. I think any parent of teenagers gets pissed off that they go through food and drinks so quickly. It’s also been Christmas. I think you need to relax. Pick your battles carefully. I say that as a step parent myself. It’s a tough job but we chose to marry someone with kids, no one forced us.

You can tell the OP is a step mum going by these replies

Honestly .. and in no way unkind .. I think you're issue is with how your husband treated your children differently to what he'll allow from his own and you're transferring that on to the two girls.

I'd be furious if my other half was a dictator with my children and a loosey goosey with his own and as I'm human I'd probably do the same as you and find myself irritated and frustrated with the children .. however as an outsider I can comfortably suggest that perhaps the girls are being normal teens and you're furious with your children having not been allowed the same luxury.

I'd advise speaking with your husband and resolving the issue properly

You need to speak to your dh, the lying is unacceptable. What a little awful shit

She knew it wasn’t hers.

I think she was rude and she knew she was in the wrong otherwise she would have owned up when you asked where the top was.
Most people would be miffed if someone wore their brand new top without asking and before they had even had a chance to wear it themselves and I frankly don't believe all those posters who are pretending otherwise.

I would find the lying - especially about stuff like this - totally unacceptable.

I just can't bear lies. However I cn understand it if its something they really think they'll get in trouble about (not acceptable, but understandable) - but lying like breathing I would regard as worrying

750g is one of those huge catering sized tubs, isn't it? I wouldn't be happy about that being used in 5 days and I have more than 2 teenagers. (I also wouldn't allow the use of extra sugar, but I expect you need to pick your battles when you are a SM).

Are your children boys, OP? I ask because it seems to be really common for men to be much stricter with one sex than the other (although usually the boys get off more lightly). Either way, the difference doesn't reflect well on him.

I don’t know why the OP is getting such harsh replies. The DSD knew the top wasn’t hers, decided to wear it anyway (why?) and only admitted the truth when challenged.

Yes, it’s not a big thing but it’s rude and disrespectful. I’m guessing she wanted a certain type or thickness of top under her jumper, all hers were dirty or she didn’t have any suitable with her - so just decided to wear your top. That’s bloody rude.

I’d politely have a kind chat with her and, after praising her for owning up finally, explain it’s not on. Ask her how she’d feel if you’d pinched her new clothes and worn them. I’d also ask why she did it.

As for the hot chocolate, buy a certain amount and don’t buy any more. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

As for the hot chocolate, buy a certain amount and don’t buy any more. Once it’s gone, it’s gone

OP says DH always replaces it using money from the joint account, so OP has no say even though it's her money too.

I don't think the to is the real issue, my guess is that this is just the final straw. It's bloody hard being a parent and even worse being a stepmum. I have a teenage stepdaughter and i!I'm supposed to make exceptions for her over and over, yet our children are expected (by my husband) to behave like adults, even though they are younger than my SD.
I would be pissed off if my SD or my daughter borrowed and ruined new clothes I'd brought and then lied. Although I suppose she did admit it.
You and your husband need to have a chat about acceptable behaviour because until he backs you up, you are fighting a loosing battle.

In all honesty this sounds less about stretched tops or hot chocolate and far more about the fact that your SDD have three sets of rules and boundaries.

Thier mum's
Their dad's
Yours

You probably can't do much about their mum's boundaries but your energy might be better focussed on getting to a united position with your husband.

Either it's ok they help themselves to hot choc or they have to limit it to a cup a day, for instance.

"I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story."
He's the real problem isn't he Op? You sound thoroughly pissed off and disenchanted with him.
I don't know why you're getting a hard time about the girl wearing your top and lying. I'd have been pretty mad about that. It's yours, she should have just given it to you when they emptied the bag.
The hot chocolate is just them being greedy pigs enabled by your "D" H.

I used to drink bucketloads of hot chocolate at my parents' house when I was a teenager. Reason being IT WAS FREEZING in that old house, even with cardigans and hot water bottles. And I didn't like tea or coffee. My parents used to moan about me drinking so much and I used to try to drink hot squash instead to save money.

I think there is clearly a whole backstory to do with your DH having strict rules for you/your kids but not for his own kids.

they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them

You don’t think their mum is entitled to some privacy? Do you ask them what goes on at their mum’s house? My children are shifting to their teens and their boundaries have changed. They now see that their dad asking questions about me constantly isn’t caring about them, it’s about keeping tabs on me. It wouldn’t surprise me if they sometimes lied to him, just to see what he was prepared to believe.

Do you think possibly they do these things on purpose because they know it pisses you off, or gets you and their Dad into an argument? Being that they're teenagers.....?

Lying to us about why they are having days off school is one example - attendance now an issue.

We have the heating on and their bedroom window is open so 🤷‍♀️

I understand the top thing OP, it would infuriate me.

But the hot chocolate? You need to let it go.

If you confront DH or DSDs with the issue and add the hot chocolate pettiness in with it too, they'll take it as you being totally unreasonable because 'She's being so petty about the hot chocolate, so she's being petty about the top as well.'
You can't conflate the two issues, because they're not the same.

Explain to DP about the top and why it's annoyed you so much, then talk to DSD.
But really, leave the hot chocolate out of it - it's just a drink,

The school lie is so much worse than the jumper.

Have you considered family therapy? This dynamic really isn’t working. You are angry at the girls and your husband. The girls are playing up. Your husband has stuck his head in the sand.

They come here and haven’t been at school but have been told not to say why and clearly nothing wrong with them.

I have told DH email the school.

I feel slightly sorry for the girls, they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells in your house and are constantly accidentally getting it wrong. They're too hot, so they opened a window, because it's easier to do that than to ask you to turn off the heating (again, easier to avoid a confrontation with you). Why not just talk to them OP?? try to get close to them, become more of a family figure? The way you are drip feeding more petty quibbles about them is an indication of how you feel about them, and they will definitely pick up on that. Demanding respect and tutting over their bad habits is no way to win them over and influence them, which you really have to do if you want to improve the situation.

Maybe they are hot.
Heating is on in the rest of the house, my window is open.