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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lying ...

279 replies

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 15:28

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/12/2019 17:27

She sneakily wore the top.
Tried on is in the bedroom on then off and back in the bag.
Not sat in the lounge wearing it hidden under a jumper.
That is a pure piss take imo.

MitziK · 30/12/2019 17:29

If your DP was that much of a dickhead to your kids, the odds are that they learned to lie to avoid his ire long before you met him.

FestiveFavourites · 30/12/2019 17:31

The drinking chocolate consumption? It's the festive season, don't be so precious. If they'd necked a litre of Baileys, I would understand your concern.

The fact your bigger than you stepdaughter had the audacity to wear your top and has now stretched it out of all recognition, is it really that important?

Did you either indirectly or directly indicate she had ruined your new top by trying it on and stretching it? I bet she's a normal size 12 and you're probably a tiny tiny tiny size 4 and making a point.

BigOldOakTree · 30/12/2019 17:32

Sadly there's very little support for step mums on Mumsnet. I think you're well within your rights to be pissed off. My DSD lies all the time (aged 15), it drives me potty, I hate it more than anything else she does. I also understand the chocolate thing, we have the same with coke, I won't buy it now if she's due here.

Mums on here seem to think a step child acting up is the same as your own child, it isn't, it's entirely different.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 17:32

I am a size 12.

She is a size 14, but is nearly 6ft tall.

OP posts:
LH1987 · 30/12/2019 17:34

I hope you haven't commented on the fact that it is now stretched out to her, that could be quite damaging to her. Also the fact that you went straight from she stretched out my top to and she also has too much hot chocolate, sounds like you are basically just calling her fat. She may well be overweight, but I hope you aren't saying this to her...

ArranUpsideDown · 30/12/2019 17:34

750g tub of Cadbury’s drinking chocolate in 5 days.

150g per day. 75g each.

28 g is a small serving of the instant. Or 75g would 2 mug servings of the instant stuff.

18 g is a serving of the drinking chocolate for which you have to add milk for a small drink. So,

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 17:35

hides hot chocolate mug because even those it’s Christmas I need to stop consuming it like it’s water

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 17:36

She isn’t fat.

She’s tall.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 17:37

And no I didn’t mention that it’s stretched.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 30/12/2019 17:37

Do you have an issue with the girls weight?

You are very focused on the stretching of the top. And the hot chocolate. It’s almost like you are fat shaming her.

If I had done the wearing of the top thing to my mum she would have rolled her eyes and told me to ask next time.

CanIHaveADrink · 30/12/2019 17:37

I think you have a DH issue rather than a dsd issue.

He is basically a Disney dad to his dcs when he was quite happy to be very strict with your own (funny that?!?).
You need to have a chat with him. If he is happy to let his dcs take the risk of developing type 2 diabetes because of the sugar, that’s his issue imo. But the disrespect to using clothes that aren’t yours, stretching them (hopefully not until they are damaged) etc... isn’t on.
I would remind him how strict he was (or still is with your ds??) and ask him why it is ok for him to be so strict with your dcs but it’s ok for his dcs to be disrespectful. And then discuss boundaries with him.

If he really doesn’t want to bulge, then you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or if this is something you can live with.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 17:38

BigOldOakTree

Thank you 🙏

Yes it’s really annoying and I don’t want to buy it.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 17:39

I think you'd love me a lot less if I pointed out that you are a step-mother so obviously are mean and nasty.
Are probably obsessed with dieting because you pointed out that 5 mugs of hot chocolate a day is not ideal, on top of all the Christmas treats, and want to inflict your own obsessions on your stepkids.
Your accused your step-daughter of stretching your top, which probably means you have An Unhealthy Obsession with Your Weight.

YANBU OP, these teenagers are taking the piss and their father is enabling them, while you are trying to keep boundaries uncrossed.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 17:40

So your DH overdisciplined your DC and underdisciplines his own? Sadly common when the non resident DC only visit, but DH lives in the same house as the new DW's DC.

He wants to be thought of as a loving, caring father even though he doesn't live with them. This is impacting on you in a negative way. Remind him that good parenting involves boundaries. Also remind him of his strictness with your DC.

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 17:41

Mumsnet bingo!
Fat-shaming. How did I forget to use those words?

diddl · 30/12/2019 17:42

Christ, all this tip toeing about and not saying things directly does no good imo.

It's not as if it was just a sneaky try on of the top.

She was wearing it-why?

Because she has no bloody respect it seems to me.

I also agree about the drinking chocolate.

It gets bought & replaced at the next shop.

But it's their dad that's the problem

MirkwoodMiss · 30/12/2019 17:42

I hope you haven't commented on the fact that it is now stretched out to her, that could be quite damaging to her. Also the fact that you went straight from she stretched out my top to and she also has too much hot chocolate, sounds like you are basically just calling her fat. She may well be overweight, but I hope you aren't saying this to her...

Sorry, what??
We are in danger of losing sight of reason here. She deliberately put on a brand new top knowing it wasn't hers and knowing it was was too small- she didn't CARE! She kept it on while being asked if she knew where it was....then she balled it up and threw it under the bed- like it had been there all the time. And no one is supposed to say anything for fear of hurting her feelings? These are the future of the human race- how the hell are they going to cope when shit gets real?

jamdhanihash · 30/12/2019 17:42

Lift your head OP. This is a DH issue. Sort that out and the DSD issues will resolve. But for the sake of you and the kids, actually sort this rather than bitch on about hot chocolate. Listen to the PPs who explained why teenagers lie.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 30/12/2019 17:44

How do you know she wore it for 3 hours? Did she tell you that? If she did seems she is being incredibly honest with you. I can understand panicking and not telling you she had it on. She returned it, yes lied about finding it under the bed (unless that was the truth, maybe she had tried it on, taken it off and it ended up under the bed). But when asked if she wore it she was truthful. You now say she had it on for 3 hours. So is that the truth told by her or you just assuming something?

Minky35 · 30/12/2019 17:44

I have teens, they can be unthinking, eating machines when they feel like it. DS2 14 has ploughed through a full tub of pringles and slices of toast whilst we’ve been out today - far too much for a snack.
Like that, It’s too much hot chocolate, having the odd cup here and there is usual, but drinking the best part of 750g (plus sugar) is not ok. It’s about having consideration for others and not taking the whole thing for yourself.
I don’t like lying either, so I’d probably have been harsher about the top.

diddl · 30/12/2019 17:45

If you didn't like how he was with your kids though, how did you end up married?

Winterdaysarehere · 30/12/2019 17:46

Help yourself to an item of dh's without asking. See how he reacts.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 17:47

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer OP said the top was warm and stretched - ie actually worn, not just tried on

bettybattenburg · 30/12/2019 17:47

Thing is she had it on and had done for several hours.

Why didn't you say something when she was wearing it? If she'd worn it for several hours you must have seen she was wearing it (and if you didn't, how did you know?)

As for the hot chocolate - does it matter? I buy a large tub of hot chocolate once a month and when it's gone it's gone, it doesn't matter if that takes a week or two weeks or whatever - I don't ration it but nor do I buy extra.