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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying ...

279 replies

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 15:28

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

OP posts:
MadameLeFunky · 30/12/2019 18:27

Then your anger is misplaced being directed at them.

That's a DH/ex wife issue that needs to be sorted, not a teen behavioural one.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:29

Maybe they are hot maybe they are cold.

I can’t do anything right really can I?

Yes I agree they DH/Ex need to sort it out, but they won’t.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 18:30

And honestly, so far it's all teen girl typical stuff.
I used to have a lot of time off school. There were loads of people who didn't know because my personal health had fuck all to do with anyone else. My stepfamily didn't need to know that I was off because of my periods even with attendance issues.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 18:31

I don't think wearing a top for a few hours will stretch it out especially not when there's only one size of difference. You're storing up resentments and complaints. That's not a happy way for anyone to live. Are you as highly strung and controlling in every other aspect of your life or is it just food, hot chocolate, clothes, heating . . .?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:33

She is open with us both about her periods.

DH has a right to know if he is going to get a fine - doesn’t he, and about his kids health. Hmm

Both always off together too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:34

And it is stretched.

I have seen it, you have not.

OP posts:
foodandwine89 · 30/12/2019 18:34

Total overreaction. And she knew you would overreact to something so minor so she lied.

I could always wear my mum’s stuff without asking, ever. Brand new or not.

Your comments on the hot chocolate are so unreasonable that they are quite telling. You really dislike these kids.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:34

And no I am not “highly strung and controlling” Hmm

OP posts:
Umberta · 30/12/2019 18:37

What do you want us to say, OP?? "They sound like demon children from hell! You are a put-upon angel who deserves better! Cast them into the fiery purgatory reserved for disrespectful teenagers!"
Ok but in the real world, you now have the choice of whether to try and build bridges and improve your relationship with them, OR, continue to resent (even...hate?) them and gripe at your DH and the internet about them.
Option A has a potentially good outcome. Option B will age you prematurely.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:41

In my OP I stated I have a good relationship with them which I do!

DSD1 even came to stay on her own with me in the summer when DH wasn’t here.

OP posts:
JackieGlasgow · 30/12/2019 18:42

I think in a lot of cases, stepchildren's loyalty will lie with their mum and will do anything to annoy their new stepmum. In my opinion, no child would wish for their parents to split up and therefore resent any new partners that come into their parents' lives. I know it's not easy, and I certainly don't condone lying, but just try not to let them see if you're annoyed and they might stop trying to annoy you.

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 18:42

I used periods as an example.

No, he doesn't have any right to know about her health. It's her right to decide who she shares this info with.

She might be honest and open about periods, but there are other things they aren't.

If the absence is nothing to do with him, and it was mums day when school was skipped if a fine is issued it will be to her. That he does need to clarify with the school.

KenzoBaby · 30/12/2019 18:42

Opening the window - is this an admirable effort to air their beds/bedrooms and keep dustmites down? Or because they have been illicitly smoking out of the window? Or something else?

isadoradancing123 · 30/12/2019 18:42

I dont get how people say its ok to wear your new top, we are all different but it would so annoy me, i dont want anyone else wearing my clothes at all, esp if i have not worn it already and given them permission. How is it ok .? It wouldnt be ok in a flat share or anywhere else

Umberta · 30/12/2019 18:43

They're not going to magically disappear from your life so unfortunately you're going to have to try some strategies to understand them and get them to understand you. That means reaching out and winning them over a bit. And the first step is to try and forgive them for being not what you think a model teenage girl ought to be like Hmm

Hanab · 30/12/2019 18:44

Goodness OP let me tell you one thing, you are a step mom and on MN you are EVIL! You will never win.. damned if you do damned if you don’t!

It does not matter is the SKids disrespect you .. ignore you .. blatantly lie .. or are ungrateful .. the majority will say the problem IS YOU 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

Allycat1989 · 30/12/2019 18:45

She hasn't really lied, she admitted wearing it, as a former teenage girl I know they can be a pain in the arse, but I wouldn't make a fuss over something so little, maybe she lied maybe she didn't, if it turns into a regular thing then that's different, but atm it's just annoying. I sympathise with u being a step mum, I personally would hate to be a step mum, my own kids do my nut in but their mine and I choose how to parent them, so I can only imagine how hard it is to parent someone else's kid. You seem like a solid figure in their life, you've been around for 10yrs so maybe they see u as a second mum and teenage girls love to borrow/steal their mums clothes.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 18:46

No, he doesn't have any right to know about her health. It's her right to decide who she shares this info with

This has to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

He is her father and has PR.

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 18:47

@isadoradancing123
You do realise that clothes aren't new and will have always been worn by someone else?
But I always give clothes a quick wash first, so if someone wants to wear it beforehand, they can.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 30/12/2019 18:52

I think you're being ridiculous to be honest. You're clearly angry and resentful at the double standards between the rules he implemented for your children but not for his own. I would be too. However you should have put your foot down at the time, not just gone along with it. It's not SD's fault their Dad is a complete hypocrite.

These threads are always the same. A man behaves like a prick and the women and children are left to deal with the fall out.

CircleofWillis · 30/12/2019 18:52

You do realise that clothes aren't new and will have always been worn by someone else?
What does this even mean?

Taddda · 30/12/2019 18:53

It's a top!! It'll probably go back to shape in the wash! She didn't break a priceless antique!! Let it go!

I think if you stopped for a second and really thought about what the actual issue is here it's your relationship with DH, the difference in how he treated 'yours' compared to 'his'.....you've stated you were quite strict with your own children, you find it frustrating that you can't be this way with your 'unruly(?)' DSD's? Undermined perhaps, overruled, outnumbered, powerless??....

Your sweating the small stuff is not beneficial, quite possibly being noticed by two young girls now playing up to it-

They'll grow up and move on....can you move on from it?

DimplesMcGee · 30/12/2019 18:54

I’d be pretty fucked off in anyone wore a brand new top and stretched it, especially as there’s no guarantee it’ll be ok once it’s washed. It’s not necessarily a case of getting her to replace it either - if it was bought in the sales there might not be any left in the OP’s size.

I’d let the hot chocolate go though.

DimplesMcGee · 30/12/2019 18:54

If anyone wore a new top of mine and stretched it, I mean.

ffswhatnext · 30/12/2019 18:56

It's not ridiculous.
There is nothing stopping a child from making their own gp appointment without the need for a parent/carer there. They can then chose who to share that info with.

Under 16 if they are considered Gillick competent they can also have the treatment and some procedures without parental involvement.