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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
BackforGood · 30/12/2019 19:23

At 18, when looking to buy their first car insurances / go travelling etc., my dc were very glad we banked the Christmas / Birthday £20 notes for them.
No way in the world I'd let a 12 yr old splash 250 Euro on rubbish.

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:28

Also - everyone’s different aren’t they, my parents like to know that I am sensible and investing in my pension etc rather than spending on ‘stuff’. Smile

Aragog · 30/12/2019 19:28

I think with Christmas and birthday money they should be allowed to spend it.

I only send money to children if I know they will be allowed to spend it all on something they want. Otherwise I send a physical item or specific vouchers. The money is a gift, instead of an actual present.

Pocket money is different and children should be encouraged to save some as well as spending some, though how much they save depends on how much they get.

Inliverpool1 · 30/12/2019 19:31

My 9 year old blew a weeks wages for me on Roblox which made me feel sick but it’s his money at the end of the day

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 19:31

Interesting that some of the gift givers are just as “controlling” as the parents on this thread.

If I send cash as a gift to someone i couldn’t care less what they do with it!

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 19:33

@Ragwort, I guess so. Mine knew my pension was covered, they wanted to see me enjoy the money. The dresser in our kitchen, the good set of pans and our lovely china were all bought with Christmas money. They give me pleasure every day.

Dieu · 30/12/2019 19:36

Absolutely unreasonable. Let him just bloody enjoy it!

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:40

also, I’m probably a lot older than you Grin, when I was younger I used to buy nice things for my home etc but I am over 60 now (so my parents really are old!) & I have everything I need in life ... and my parents are at the stage in life when they just want to give money away.

Aragog how do you know the child wants the actual gift? Sad to say I use to give numerous gifts to the charity shop that were kindly sent to my DS but he had no interest in ... far better to have had a few £s for his savings account.

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 19:45

I’m 66 @Ragwort! And going back a few years!

bobsyourauntie · 30/12/2019 19:48

YABU. It’s money he was given in lieu of presents so he should be allowed to buy presents of his own choice.

I used to save all DD’s money but now she gets to spend it. She’s got a fair bit in the bank but now she’s older I don’t make her save it.

She’s just spent over £25 on 3 books in Waterstones which i think is insane because she could have got several books on eBay for that money, but it’s HER money and she loves her books.

In the past she’s spent £80 on a Lego set and £90 on dolls. Her money, her choice.

I will encourage her to save once she’s earning her own money.

BarbedBloom · 30/12/2019 19:49

I also wouldn't give money if I found out the child wasn't allowed to spend it. However, I would advise spend half and save half. At the end of the day better he blows 250 euros now than when he suddenly has a huge amount of money at 18 - or will you still expect to control what he spends it on then?

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 19:50

At the end of the day better he blows 250 euros now than when he suddenly has a huge amount of money at 18 - or will you still expect to control what he spends it on then?

Why would he though? There’s just as much chance he’d continue to save.

Aragog · 30/12/2019 19:51

Ragwort - because most of the family and friend children I buy for have 'wish lists' which we can access, which helps with that. Or I ask them. But most also know that I don't like just handing cash over, so wouldn't ask for money.

JacquesHammer - In my experience though, as in the OP, the child isn't the one choosing to save the money gifted to them. The parent is making them do so.

If the child was truly saving up for something specific then I would most probably give cash as a gift in that circumstance, as I would know it was the child actually choosing to do so. For example a family member was recently saving to buy themselves a laptop - I'd have been happy to contribute towards that through a gift of money. They did well and have now got said laptop.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 19:54

In my experience though, as in the OP, the child isn't the one choosing to save the money gifted to them. The parent is making them do so

Ah I see what you mean. Definitely DD’s choice to save here!

If the child was truly saving up for something specific then I would most probably give cash as a gift in that circumstance, as I would know it was the child actually choosing to do so. For example a family member was recently saving to buy themselves a laptop - I'd have been happy to contribute towards that through a gift of money. They did well and have now got said laptop

Yes that’s how things have always worked here (both when I was a child, and with DD now).

otterturk · 30/12/2019 20:06

The PP who has her child give 1/3 of their money to charity.... that's pretty hard going on a kid.

milliefiori · 30/12/2019 20:11

YABU. It's his money. He gets to spend it as he chooses and to learn from his mistakes, that if he spends on plastic tat he outgrows, he won;t have any money later. We let DC make these mistakes a few times and now they are careful with money and save up for things they really want. they don't spend too easily and rarely impulse buy.

Long terml it's far more important to teach him that he alone is responsible for how he handles his money. He won't have you in adulthood being his arbiter and ensuring he saves some, so now is the right time to make silly mistakes with money. When it doesn't matter so much.

RealBecca · 30/12/2019 20:35

Yab SO U.

If it was already spent on tat you'd have so say. 250 in the course of his life is very little as a kid it's loads.

Next year ask relatives for 50% into savings instead.

Floralnomad · 30/12/2019 20:40

It’s his money , he gets to spend it on what he wants . When he’s wasted it on plastic crap and wants something new in a few weeks you then remind him how he wasted his money and hence he learns ( hopefully)

laudete · 30/12/2019 20:42

I always had to save at least some of my allowance/gift money from a much younger age. It's an important life lesson that you should teach your children. I think you should insist that some goes into his new bank account but it's a subjective choice how much is kept aside for spending on toys. Certainly, he shouldn't walk around with that much cash in one go - bit of a security risk, I'd have thought? I don't carry that much cash and I'm an adult.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2019 20:44

FWIW Ds used to get around £250 each Christmas from gps and uncle.

He would blow the lot on Lego.

Those Lego models are now worth much more than the £250

Sometimes plastic crap is worth a lot more 15 years later

Serenschintte · 30/12/2019 20:54

We also live overseas and have a similar problem for Ds1 and 2. Also 12 is the earliest an account can be opened. They also earn money in the holidays looking after pets and can make quite a lot from that.
So they have two accounts each, one is general spending and one is savings account. When the general spending reaches a certain amount any thing over this is transferred to the savings account. And this can be touched within discussion and some thinking time.
So if for example dc1 received €250 for Christmas then €100 he could spend on what ever he wanted but the remaining €150 would go into savings. Once the €100 was spent it would be up to DC to build it back up using pocket money, cat earnings, present money etc. When DC1 hit 14 we switched from pocket money and topping up what he needed to more of a budget. Because of circumstances they have a lot of very monied friends and we want them to understand the value and pride from earning money rather than just being handed it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 31/12/2019 14:20

Some very 'worthy' ideas here... but..

If you can't experience blowing all your money on tat, when it is safe to do so, as a child... you risk doing so when it is not safe to do so, as an adult.

You only get to enjoy childish plastic tat and things, as a child, once you are an adult that's really it, you will not have the time, the disposable income or possibly the inclination.

So I'd say let him spend it - explain that when its gone its gone, explain that he has options to save it for various things, and when he has the facts and the options.. let him choose what he does with his money.

poppycity · 31/12/2019 14:26

The magic of half! Half to do as he wishes and half to bank account!

Midnight0 · 31/12/2019 14:32

It's a Christmas gift, let him enjoy it. He can learn the value of money when he finds his first summer job and has to pay for luxuries from his hard-earned money.

Yestermost · 31/12/2019 14:32

My DC were made up with the £40 thwy got from all our relatives! I do say no sweets as they all have teeth problems and eat enough shite as it is.

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