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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU to want some control over how our children spend "their" money?

231 replies

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:36

We have two DSs aged 12 and 9. We live overseas, so Christmas and birthday presents from relatives are increasingly money / vouchers. Because DS1 has his birthday a couple of days after Christmas, he's received over 250 euros from various relatives and friends!!

He is dead set on spending lots of it - mostly on plastic tat that we generally refuse to buy him. Bobble head Star Wars figurines, Harry Potter stuff etc. Also games / v-bucks and sweets, etc. He is very opposed to us putting any of it away as "savings" as he thinks (correctly) that he won't just have free access to it after that.

He doesn't have his own bank account, but we are going to open one asap (12 is the youngest age to have one where we live). It will have mobile banking so he can always see his balance and - importantly - where it's being spent.

Are we BU in not just letting him blow 250 euros on plastic crap and sweets? I know IABU referring to the things that he chooses to buy like that and unfair to him, so I am really trying to button my lip in that respect. His stance is that people have given him money to be spent on presents (his cards from grandparents generally do say "spend this on something you like") and it's not meant to be saved. DH and I feel it's a great time for him to start off with a pot of money, that we can add to with pocket money over time, and he can learn to spend / save sensibly.

AWBU? How do you manage (or not) what your children spend gift money on?

YABU = you don't get to decide what a 12 year old does with money that has been given to him by family and friends, let him spend it as he likes
YANBU = you do get to say No to spending 250 euros on plastic tat, and insisting that at least some of it is put away as savings

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 30/12/2019 16:40

YABU It's his money
You are trying to control him
If I had given him money to spend andI heard about this I would start collecting the biggest bag of plastic tat to give him next year Smile

CanIHaveADrink · 30/12/2019 16:41

@Watchagotcha
do none of you saying "let him spend it on what he likes" have any concerns about the enormous amount of plastic waste the toy industry generates?

I do but that’s a long term teaching. You are not going to teach him about the environment by making him feel guilty of buying toys he is fancying. Esp if these are the same he sees in adverts all day long.
You will teach him that by teaching him to first only buy what he needs or REALLY wants rather than stuff on a whimp and he barely fancies.
And by teaching him about the impact of things we don’t need on the environment. Starting with leading by example and explaining why to him.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/12/2019 16:43

It’s all reusable and recyclable. When he’s done, it can go to a charity shop until it is broken and then recycled. Toys have a place in life. Even cavemen made toys for their kids and that required killing trees and animals to make.

buddhababy2019 · 30/12/2019 16:45

YANBU
my 11 year old also wants to spend his Xmas money on tat and I've said no - I've said he can spend 1/4 on what he wants, 1/2 in the bank and remaining quarter away for holiday spending money

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 30/12/2019 16:49

Our DC have bank accounts now and we usually suggest depositing birthday/Christmas money into them and then withdrawing it gradually for specific items. It works well for DS (11) as he sees his balance going down and then decides that he wants to keep some in there.

DD(14), on the other hand, currently has $2.00 in her account...different personality! Grin
But, they both have control over the cash so it's their decision.

ShagMeRiggins · 30/12/2019 16:49

All birthday and Christmas money goes into savings accounts for the DCs. We have established this from day one so they know the score. They get enough in terms of presents anyway. We've managed to save a good amount for each of them toward uni/house/cars etc.

Who gives the birthday and Christmas money? You, or others?

Is it clearly the intention of other givers that the child saves the money toward university/house/cars? Would any of the givers be disappointed to know the child hadn’t decided? Did any of the givers intend it to be WOW money so the child could spend on something seemingly frivolous?

Your post could be interpreted not as “we’ve” managed to save a good amount, but as you’ve let others unknowingly do your children’s future savings for you.

If all parties know and are okay with it, that’s fine. Otherwise, you’re basically stealing your children’s gifts, surely. It’s not yours to do with as you wish, no matter the age.

Bluewavescrashing · 30/12/2019 16:49

Sometimes we let them spend it how they like, but if we feel they don't really need or want anything we use half of it towards an annual pass for a theme park local to us and they are encouraged to save the rest. Today I took my DCs to Smyths to spend £30 each on lego. The other £30 each went in the bank towards our annual passes. I think that's fair as they get so much fun out of unlimited days out.

TeacupDrama · 30/12/2019 16:56

my DD has a december birthday and Christmas, I encourage her to save Christmas money for summer spends and to use birthday money for winter spends
ultimately it is his money, I think direction but not forced saving
if a grandparent gives £10-50 I think they expect it to be spent on toys icecreams magazines clothes etc towards the higer end not all at once; if they give £100-£1000 I expect they expect some (even most at top end) of it to be saved long term
i would let him spend 50 euros now, the rest at easter and to save at least 150 for summer holidays so it is not disappearing never to be seen again

Oly4 · 30/12/2019 17:00

It sounds like you control everything - you don’t buy this “tat” which kids actually want. Let him spend his money as he wishes. You clearly can’t remember being a child

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 30/12/2019 17:02

Mine choose how to spend their own money. DS2 spent all of his on Robux.

MazDazzle · 30/12/2019 17:09

We do half and half. Half goes into a bank account and half they get to spend.

I think it’s important to teach your kids how to manage money.

My youngest DD would blow every penny she has on junk and I often try to explain why it’s not a good idea and at times put my foot down and say no.

FinallyHere · 30/12/2019 17:29

Does anyone remember the episode of Sex in the City, when one of the lead characters needs a capital sum to purchase the apartment they have been renting / living in for ages? They bemoan the fact that they have never been 'rich' and hence have no hope of ever having such a deposit.

Another character asks them how much they have spent on shoes in the time they have lived in the apartment. Their initial guess under reports the 'investment' in shoes, albeit beautiful shoes.

. (Not practical shies, of course )

It becomes clear that more has been spent on beautiful shoes than would have been required for the deposit and security of somewhere to live.

We can have no idea what will happen in the future. It appears to be an unpopular point of view (old gimmer alert) We should be careful what we teach our children about the value of saving and delayed gratification generally.

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 18:23

but do none of you saying "let him spend it on what he likes" have any concerns about the enormous amount of plastic waste the toy industry generates?

Yes, it bothers me but that wasn’t what you were asking. 🙂

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 18:28

I’d also add that I wouldn’t give a child money if I thought its parents were going to take it away and not let them spend it. If I thought this would happen with our grandsons (it doesn’t), it would be vouchers or gift cards all the way.

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 30/12/2019 18:31

YABU.

He's been given that money in lieu of presents. He should be able to spend it on what he wants, it's his gift!
You wouldn't tell him how to play with/use or what to do with whatever physical gifts he gets, the same should go with birthday money.

Especially when there's things he wants, which you won't buy because you deem them 'crap.'
Can't have them from you and can't buy them with his own money.. not really fair.

Let him spend it how he wishes.

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 30/12/2019 18:33

Agree with @Alsohuman

If I was gifting a child money and found out that the parents were dictating and telling them what to do with it, I'd stop sending money (for vouchers or gift cards instead.)

Thatnovembernight · 30/12/2019 18:34

I think it’s reasonable to try and talk to him about how to spend it wisely and to discuss the benefits of saving some. I think it’s unfair to take the final decision away from him. If he’d been brought the exact same stuff and it had been wrapped up and posted it wouldn’t be any different.

isadoradancing123 · 30/12/2019 18:46

Spend half save half

Popcornalley · 30/12/2019 18:52

We’ve always said to put a portion away for a summer/outdoor toy and then split the rest to half bank account and half to spend on any tat plastics crap they choose. It’s a compromise really without blowing all that cash in one go.

CatteStreet · 30/12/2019 18:54

YABU. Aren't you saving for them anyway? We save for ours. Any money they get given for birthdays/Christmas is theirs. I think there's something a bit stingy and underhand, tbh, about siphoning off money given to the child as a gift to make them happy into long-term savings that it's the parents' responsibility to make.

Having a chat about impulse purchases, spending everything at once, budgeting etc - fine and important. Letting others save for my children without letting them know, while denying my child the gift the giver had intended them to have - not cool.

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:09

We always encouraged our DS to save birthday & Christmas money gifts, he did buy an XBox one year but saved the majority and now at 18 he is delighted to have some decent savings behind him.

And for those who asked if adults do the same - yes I do, my DPs give me generous financial gifts every Christmas and birthday and yes, I put them into savings Grin.

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:11

Catte in my family the people who give the monetary gifts are very happy that our DS is saving them ... they actually comment on how sensible he is Grin.

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:13

Bauble the trouble with vouchers is that you can never be 100% sure that they are for the ‘right’ retailer ... my DS has had many vouchers over the years, he really doesn’t shop in many places so I end up ‘buying’ the vouchers off him Hmm.

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 19:14

my DPs give me generous financial gifts every Christmas and birthday and yes, I put them into savings

Mine wouldn’t have given me money if I’d done that. They always asked me what I’d bought with it. It gives me great pleasure to use things I bought with Christmas money.

Frankola · 30/12/2019 19:18

At 12 years old we told our dd it was time to learn the value of money. We supervised her spending but told her "when it's gone its gone".

The first few birthdays and occasions she'd blow it faster than candles on a cake. But then she got sick of spending it all and not having anything left saved up if she saw something later.

If you control money too much they wont learn how to be responsible with money themselves.