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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
kaldefotter · 30/12/2019 12:22

Being part of a family group

As many have already pointed out on this thread, you may be joining her family, but she is not joining yours.

Why is it so important to you that she goes to your hen do? Why is it not enough that she will meet members of your family at your wedding?

onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 12:25

You really, really want her to want to do what you think she should want to do. But she doesn't. Can you accept that?

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 12:34

Yes-I've not made any comment after she's declined the hen do. I've not made any comment to her about the reaction to the birthday present.
No comments have been made from her sons after their attempts to explain that they were worried about her was shot down. It's not like they are strangers,they have grown up with this woman so for them to be worried surely it implies there is something out of the ordinary for her? They are nice men, they are not trying to control her, they are concerned.
Honestly, its easier for me if she doesnt come. I won't have to tiptoe around and plan everything around her demands (she will dictate food type, time of eating) when everyone else who is coming is very easy going.Ive got my family coming and we will have an excellent time. I will not make the mistake of inviting her again and it is certainly no problem to me to avoid social events with her.

OP posts:
pudcat · 30/12/2019 12:39

I am with your MIL. I do not do hen parties or baby showers. And CP is definitely a no no. I go on coach holidays 3 times a year with my husband but certainly not because he is controlling. I also do not drive any distance, too much fast traffic. I have only seen dil's parents a couple of times and they live in the same town. Leave her alone.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 30/12/2019 12:41

I find the easiest way to deal with rigid people is to take them at their word. If they are genuine, they will be delighted. If they're attention-seeking twats, they will reap the reward of getting exactly what they said they wanted. Either way, you are blameless.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 12:42

Honestly feeling like I cant win on this thread. If I had created a thread saying I was planning an event with all the women in my family and didnt invite my MIL I would be told I was being rude. If I dragged 90 people to the middle of nowhere to watch me get married I would be told I WBU to expect people to travel that far. If we ignored her birthday we would be told we were BU. Seemingly if we had booked a cruise for her I would BU for not discussing her suprise birthday present with her in advance.

I appreciate I haven't planned my wedding specifically to cater to my MILs narrow needs, but I have tried to please everyone and plan a wedding celebration that causes the least disruption for people.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 12:45

Do you and her sons not understand that people and their needs and what they like changes as you get older? Seems like some rigidity on your side OP.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 12:46

How have I been rigid in extending an invite to her and accepting when she declines?

OP posts:
ButterflyBook · 30/12/2019 12:48

and my wedding was a hippyish do, not a meringue one

Mine was a register office and I wore a dress that was smartish but not new for the occasion. No tulle in sight.

PaprikaPringle · 30/12/2019 12:48

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP - assuming you are genuine, what do you want from this thread? You asked ^ and the majority have told you YABU. Why are you still going on about it?

diddl · 30/12/2019 12:48

Because you don't seem to have accepted it?

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 12:49

And yes, I appreciate it very well. I work in elderly medicine. Extremely familiar thank you. Also extremely familiar with mental health problems in the elderly and loneliness and isolation when a partner dies. Also familiar with the fact that no one on their death bed has said to me "I wish I'd spent more time isolating myself away from everyone who loves me".

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 12:50

By being upset about it and thinking that she should come?

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 12:52

I can still be upset at the decline, no?

OP posts:
howabout · 30/12/2019 12:52

Everyone else probably only appears "easygoing" to you because you are all part of the same family with similar routines. My inlaws all consider themselves "easygoing". In reality they all have very specific food issues and trying to pin them down to a meal time is like herding cats.

onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 12:56

Why is it necessarily a 'decline'?

ButterflyBook · 30/12/2019 13:00

I don't get this mentality at all or the seething resentment at doing anything for other people

Maybe because you haven't done as much for others as you think you have? No seething resentment here, and almost all my colleagues at the charity shop where I volunteer are boomers or a few youngsters on jsa. Same at our local facility for our SN community activity centre. I'm surprised that you'd single a whole age group out to disparage for their selfishness. Personally, I observe it in all age groups.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2019 13:02

The more you post the more I understand why MIL declined

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 30/12/2019 13:07

Whether she has social anxiety or any other health concerns that may be causing her and her husband to withdraw, and for her to decline your invitation, all you can do is to offer invitations. Maybe she feels unhappy to travel on her own or just doesnt like hen dos.
If they choose not to accept then it's sad for them but you cant force them to attend. The families will meet at the wedding

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 13:18

So the options are ignore mils birthday or get her something she doesnt like?

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 13:20

I really don't understand why I am getting slaughtered for a birthday present that her sons got her?

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 30/12/2019 13:22

Nobody is slaughtering you.

But all of your posts paint a very clear picture and my sympathy lies with the badgered woman who just wants to do what she wants.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 13:24

It's a decline because I invited her and she declined to come. I'm allowed to be upset and a bit confused when I'd tried to make it accessible to her. She was going to be driven here because we know she won't drive.

I've taken the advice on board. Have not pushed anything and won't do in the future. Will continue to stay out of things that the sons decide.

Some of you seem to feel like I have almost vindictively done things to spite her?

OP posts:
Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 13:25

I don't speak to the woman for months on end except when we go to visit-how am I badgering her??

OP posts:
ddl1 · 30/12/2019 13:28

Sometimes we can't please everyone, because of people having different wishes and preferences. Selfish or unselfish, you cannot arrange things to suit everyone. If there is a conflict of preferences, I would indeed suggest that you put your grandmother with dementia first, as she is the most in need of an occasion adapted around her, and the most likely to be left out of many everyday occasions.. As you say, 'I know my grandmother with dementia will enjoy this and it will be something she can talk about for once rather than feeling overwhelmed at not recalling short term memories'. Good for you, doing this! But it is not fair to be offended because someone else chooses not to attend: you seem to be contradicting yourself when you say on the one hand that 'there is no pressure to attend' and on the other hand seem to complain that your MIL (who does not, I presume, know most of the others attending) is not prepared to make the effort to attend and that she ought to be 'doing things that may not necessarily be your cup of tea but that others enjoy'. It is not her duty to do so. Some people just hate parties. The one thing that could accommodate her to the point of making her more likely to come would probably be to invite her and her husband together, and that would rather spoil the point of a hen party! I do think that it would be rude of her to refuse to attend the wedding without a very good reason, but beyond that, expecting that she should participate in associated parties, with people whom she doesn't even know, is not really fair. It would be nice if she did, but she isn't obliged to. And you also aren't obliged to persuade her. Concentrate on yourself, your grandmother, and others with whom you are close.