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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 30/12/2019 08:06

"It's a very small wedding with 10 guests (siblings and parents) with a small party to follow for family"

Hi OP, Are you expecting people to travel "(2-8 hours)" for your hen do when they aren't even invited to your wedding? You might find a few others decline or drop out if that is the case.

As far as MIL attending hen do you have invited her to a suitable event. She has declined. That's it.You should respect her decision. Maybe following on from a PP thoughts about their MIL in Wales you could say to her "OK I realise that might not be your cup of tea, you and I can go for lunch the last time we get together before then - Just us". She might think that sounds great or she might decline- either way respect her decision. You can't control other people's behaviour - only your own.

ddl1 · 30/12/2019 08:10

'And it's extremely rude to walk out of the room in disgust when someone has booked a birthday treat for you, even if it's not entirely your cup of tea.'

If it's a one-off, yes. But it sounds as though MIL's family are, perhaps with the best of intentions, refusing to accept her wishes about how to spend her own life, and basically nagging her to change. I can see how she could end up very frustrated and bad-tempered over this.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 08:12

In my experience people celebrate milestone birthdays over several weeks or months, doing things for themselves and also getting family together.

Not in my experience. No one I knows would have 2 holidays.

And this is her birthday present from her sons
Her birthday present is a holiday they fancy. Not really her thing. In which case ita not a birthday present.

I disagree with all those saying it's not about bringing two families together- it IS and it's a lovely idea what you're suggesting.

It's really not. My brothers wifes family are not my family.

Fairylea · 30/12/2019 08:14

Not everyone wants to join families when people get married. It’s perfectly possible to get on with your children’s husband / wife and not have anything to do with their side of the family, or want to.

cherryblossomgin · 30/12/2019 08:15

Stop trying to force your idea of family and living on her. You sound like my aunt, she is always trying to plan things for the family that we don't want to do. She also judges us for not wanting to do what she has planned. Leave her to do what she wants to do. It's not isolation if it's a choice and she is happy.

Ponoka7 · 30/12/2019 08:15

Read the thread about the older man who has just died in prison for killing someone while driving dangerously.

If someone feels that they want to give up driving, then everyone should respect that.

She's developed anxiety and had a massive loss of confidence from what it sounds. That isn't unusual as we age and start to become physically vulnerable.

She's decided how she will manage this and that should be respected. The studies show that usual treatments for anxiety etc don't work as well, without a load of side effects, in the over 65's.

How dare 'the men' try to dictate to her and not ask and be directed by her. As you should be.

Littlemeadow123 · 30/12/2019 08:16

You sound like you want her to be more extroverted and social. You can't force a person to be someone that they are not. If she is happy with her 'isolated' life then so be it. You are in no place to judge whether her lifestyle is lacking or unhealthy in any way.

Babooshkar · 30/12/2019 08:21

Why are you all so invested in MIL’s decisions?

I would feel very uncomfortable if family members booked a holiday for me without my tacit agreement. That’s would feel very controlling.

The whole ‘joining of two families’ is very bizarre, unless there’s a strong cultural element you’ve not mentioned?

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 08:23

As I said in my first post though, it's pointless trying to get her to change her mind. Just make plans, invite her and if she doesn't want to come then ignore her. Some people will never consider how it could make others happy for them to just be there and be a part of things, or just don't care that it will.

hettie · 30/12/2019 08:41

I'm going to say this gently.... You (and perhaps your dp and future bil) obviously think lots about what she night like but you are clearly very bad at guessing. She doesn't like/ isn't interested in keeping driving/going to centre Parcs/attending a fun hen do.
Look at it as you would a patient, would you tell them that you knew what was best for them without asking about their symptoms? Ask you mil what she would like I'm assuming she's not deaf or incapable of speaking? Because if you want to be nice or kind or helpful the starting point is "how can I help" not "I'm doing this for you".

onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 08:41

Foibles says it all. Woman is just living her life, but has the whole family discussing her foibles.
She sounds ace btw!

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 08:47

She's developed anxiety and had a massive loss of confidence from what it sounds. That isn't unusual as we age and start to become physically vulnerable.

Or maybe she just never like driving and has decided she needs to start living life how she wants. There doesnt have to be a problem.

It sounds like it's her sons second nature to tell her, she isnt living how they want her to. Maybe she is just fed up with it.

unfortunateevents · 30/12/2019 08:51

Leave the poor woman alone! She is not isolated if she and her husband are going on multiple cruises and holidays abroad each year - she just doesn't want to be pushed around by people who think they know better than her! The Centre Parcs break wasn't chosen with her in mind at all - it was chosen to accommodate someone's toddler! Similarly, an afternoon tea for a few people to meet does not require party games - age-appropriate or not. If you are having 10 guests at the wedding this must be a tiny tea which truly doesn't require wrapping people in tissue paper. Stop trying to push your agenda of "joining two families together" on your MIL. Given some of the distances involved, it is entirely possible that some of these people may never meet again after the wedding or at best meet very occasionally at other family occasions.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 08:59

I'm going to step away from this thread now. It's like being eaten alive by a pack of wolves. All I have done is try to involve her. My family will all be coming, we love to spend time together and it doesnt happen very often due to how busy everyone is so we like an excuse to set a date aside, I just thought it would be rude of me to not extend the invite.

She has previously loved a CP holiday with the family, will be in no way expected to babysit (pretty offended that some of you would think that- we are childless and adore looking after our nieces and nephews) and the "men" planned this because they are her son's. Nothing more to it that that.

I'm sorry if some of you think everything is a personal attack but this was all done with the best of intentions. I have taken the feedback on board about not expecting 2 families to have interest in meeting (although mine are keen). MIL will be told she can either come or not to the holiday but we will be going as it is paid for. We can't afford to pay for a cruise for her and knowing her better than a forum online she is equally as likely to hate those too.

OP posts:
Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 09:03

She's not ace and "living her best life". She leaves a tiny town a few times a year at most probably because FIL books the cruise, goes to bed at 8pm every night, has cut everything out to the point she doesn't even meet friends for a coffee, doesnt do any hobbies or integrate with other people in any way, she will not go anywhere without her husband and would not even get a train to the next town on her own.

I this is living your "best life" I'd hate to see the worst!

OP posts:
Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 09:08

Quite right, OP. YANBU to be upset, she sounds both rude and a bore. But you can't change her. You have only been thoughtful and tried to include her.

Boom45 · 30/12/2019 09:12

You are getting a bit of a hard time, and people on this thread don't know what your MIL was like before she stopped driving about to extended family parties so maybe something is going on with her but if it is then maybe a party with people she doesn't know and probably wont see often again isn't the way to help her. She doesn't have to come to your hen do, it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy, and if she's struggling then maybe surprise trips to Centre Parks and games with strangers arent the way to help? Or maybe she's just reached an age where she doesn't fancy crowds and games anymore?
Either way I wouldn't take it personally, if she's turning down other invites it's not about you so enjoy your party and don't fall out with her about it

Alsohuman · 30/12/2019 09:12

If this is living your "best life" I'd hate to see the worst!

She’s living the life she wants. It’s her life, not yours. She’s entitled to live it the way she chooses. All of you should just get on with your busy lives and leave the poor woman in peace.

PaprikaPringle · 30/12/2019 09:29

@Juliette20 - oh do shut up.

MIL sounds like she's had a lifetime of (mostly) men telling her what she should do. She's probably had enough hence she goes to bed at 8pm where she can at least get some peace and quiet.

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 09:31

That's fine. Happy to leave her doing what she is doing, I have many more things to do than worry about MIL. But what I will not accept is, if FIL goes first, having to run her around to appointments or listen to any talk of being lonely. She's made her bed.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 30/12/2019 09:32

Op I think you have to accept you have a completely different view to her about what is a good life. That’s ok, but you can’t say her idea of that is wrong, it’s just different to yours.

PaprikaPringle · 30/12/2019 09:43

But what I will not accept is, if FIL goes first, having to run her around to appointments or listen to any talk of being lonely

You won't have to if you don't want to. That will be her sons' duty.

Juliette20 · 30/12/2019 09:44

MIL sounds like she's had a lifetime of (mostly) men telling her what she should do

That's your interpretation, it's not the objective truth.

hettie · 30/12/2019 09:49

You can't manage her out of her anxiety op. It's like addressing any health concern. You can't get diabetics to be compliant and not mess their blood sugars around if their intent on eating sweets. You can't get people to stop smoking or drinking and you really can't people who are anxious to stop avoiding the things that make them anxious. There are plenty of approaches and treatments that could help but she'd have to want to. You need to accept this about her and recognise it will mean she doesn't want to do things you think she'd like. If you want some genuine insight go and speak to your colleagues in older adult psychiatry... It's very common and sad but you really aren't helping but getting cross that she won't change.

Pipsqueak11 · 30/12/2019 09:51

I'm with you OP. Part of being in a family and showing you love and that you care is , you know, making a tiny effort to do things together. You're not expecting much and it would be polite of your mil to show an interest in your family and your very low key hen do would be a great way of doing that. I also think it's v unkind and rude of her to reject the CP trip . The inevitable message from her is that she doesn't want to spend time with her family. Why can't she make the effort -I'd be hurt by such an off hand disassociated approach to family life.

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