AIBU to be upset with MIL?

[AforEffort9]

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

You’ve tried, time to do what suits you best!

Have your afternoon get together and then go on a fun night out with your sisters and cousins.

The inevitable message from her is that she doesn't want to spend time with her family

I wonder why ...

I would be the same as your mil, sorry. Not everyone enjoys those type of things. I wouldn't really be interested in socialising with the other family.
She sounds very much like my own mil who id completely dependent on my fil. She never goes out alone. It used to annoy me but now I accept it as I can see it makes her very anxious and uncomfortable

MIL will be told she can either come or not to the holiday but we will be going as it is paid for.

So it wasn’t a gift for her, was it? It’s a holiday for kids passed off as a 70th birthday gift, and expecting her to be grateful..

It sounds like she’s just tired of everyone’s shit and want to be left alone in peace.

Don't most people do things that aren't quite spot on with what they like from time to time ? I have just hosted a massive family Xmas gathering- I'd certainly have preferred to have been just chilling with my dh and dc but I did it because I love my extended family and it's a way of showing that and giving all the cousins chance to get together and have fun. If we all did just what we wanted life would be poorer for it. I would agree with other posters if OP had organised a boozy weekend away somewhere but it's basically afternoon tea ffs!! Mil should think about someone other than herself and accept graciously!

I think it's quite sad when you go to so much trouble to ensure that people don't feel left out, that they then choose to opt out anyway.
It must have been a lot of extra hard work and planning to organise an event that your MIL could attend and enjoy and you didn't have to.
There maybe a few reasons why she's slowly shutting herself off from everyone.
One could be that she's losing one of her senses and doesn't want anyone else to know. If she's losing her hearing for example, she may decline large gatherings because she struggles to hear over all the sounds and may secretly rely on your FIL to talk so no one notices.
She could possibly be having memory problems and the FIL is covering.
She may never have liked to socialise or drive and just did it because she had to and now she doesn't have to.
I would talk to your MIL directly, explain how much you have gone to to have her at the event and ask her if there's anything that would help her feel more interested in joining in. Then decide if she's worth the effort.

“happy 70th birthday, you’re spending it a CenterParcs with toddlers”

I think I'd cry with disappointment.

Presumably they wouldn't be all in one large unit so the toddlers would be there in measured doses. And the OP doesn't have kids.

She leaves a tiny town a few times a year at most probably because FIL books the cruise, goes to bed at 8pm every night, has cut everything out to the point she doesn't even meet friends for a coffee, doesnt do any hobbies or integrate with other people in any way, she will not go anywhere without her husband and would not even get a train to the next town on her own.

This is pretty odd. I would be trying to unpick why.

Is he controlling?
She she have social anxiety/hearing difficulties making her struggle with other people?
Does she struggle to sleep?
What’s happened with her friends-have they fallen out, if so why?
If she used to have a big social life but now doesn’t-there will be a reason for that.

My mum is in her 70s and is anxious about travelling to places alone-I’m not sure that’s terribly unusual. Would she come to places if you or your boyfriend came to collect her?

"The inevitable message from her is that she doesn't want to spend time with her family. Why can't she make the effort -I'd be hurt by such an off hand disassociated approach to family life."

Or you could wonder what is behind the change. Or are only young men allowed to have bouts of poor mental health?

Pipsqueak11, does aging not play a factor in this, don't you think?

Or do you all think that older people are just the same as fertile younger women, they've just lived longer? Like children aren't small adults, as we age there's a whole physiological change.

It’s odd but entirely her choice. The sons have said they are worried, that’s enough, let her be now.

How about doing a couple of things that would please others for once in her life?

And you seriously think she's reached her sixties without being up the her eyeballs with trying to please others? I'm in my sixties and from here on in I'm going to please myself, providing it doesn't actually cause distress to others.

I don't want to make wedding dresses out of tissue paper with people I don't know, nor do I want to watch other people doing it. I'm still too young to reminisce about my wedding, dewy tears in my puffy elderly eyes. I want to go on cruises and avoid uncomfortable social contrivances that misguided do-gooders think will buck me up.
I do feel sorry for this woman.

@PaprikaPringle - I don't think it takes too much wondering does it?!!! Poor MIL.

She might not feel confident driving now. Her eyesight for example, night vision and reactions she might feel have deteriorated. Traffic near where she lives might have got worse. She might have health issues she does not really discuss. Relying on lifts might make her feel equally anxious especially if people are hinting she still should be driving.

Ponoka7 the OP doesn't mention any Mh issues so I have assumed that's not a problem . You're right it could be though. As for age - well we are all different . I'm late 50s and my older sibs are not far off of 70 and are all fit and still actively participating in family life so I guess I don't think of 70 as old .

Wow Op. From what you say I very much doubt your MiL has any intention of becoming dependent on you in her dotage. She managed her life perfectly well before her DS met you and I'm sure she will manage perfectly well in the future.

Much better that than spend the next decade fitting in with your plans in hopes of the odd begrudged taxi service. Wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't already started building up her taxi fund from all the mind numbing trips out for coffee she no longer bothers with.

And you seriously think she's reached her sixties without being up the her eyeballs with trying to please others?

We just don't know do we? Some people are selfish all their lives.

What I do know is that there are a lot of horribly selfish and nasty people in her generation. I don't know what went wrong there, but boomers are really terrible for it. War babies and older are/were lovely.

How about doing a couple of things that would please others for once in her life?

I won’t do anything I don’t want to any more. I’m 66, raised my son as a single parent, step parented three more kids, worked for 45 years and looked after my frail elderly parents. I’ve spent my entire life pleasing others and I’ve done enough. I’m pleasing me now. I imagine Mil is the same. Good for her.

I won’t do anything I don’t want to any more. I’m 66, raised my son as a single parent, step parented three more kids, worked for 45 years and looked after my frail elderly parents. I’ve spent my entire life pleasing others and I’ve done enough. I’m pleasing me now

Ok boomer.

I don't get this mentality at all or the seething resentment at doing anything for other people. If people want to be an island, why form any additional family connections at all? Why get married and have children? I bloody love being a wife, mother and daughter, employee and volunteer- this all involves doing things for other people, that's just society and life itself.

Piss off with this boomer crap. There’s no seething resentment at all. I’ve done my time of pleasing others. I still do things for other people if I want to just not if I don’t. So shoot me.

@ButterflyBook I'm with you on this. Mid 60s, would loathe making wedding dresses in bog roll and my wedding was a hippyish do, not a meringue one

Centre Parcs as a birthday treat? No thanks!

Yes Juliette fuck right off with the boomer crap. There are people who will put themselves out for others and people who won't in every generation. I am a similar age to the MIL and would make the effort to come. These days asking me to drive a long way is the worst possible thing you could ask me to do though. I would rather have surgery I have become so nervous of motorway driving. I think I try to do things other people would enjoy though. Also people hate their parents and in laws interfering in their lives- well that works both ways, it is up to her whethrr she wants to be social or not.

Mid 60s, would loathe making wedding dresses in bog roll and my wedding was a hippyish do, not a meringue one

Yes great, but that is you. Mine is not a meringue either. But I know my grandmother with dementia will enjoy this and it will be something she can talk about for once rather than feeling overwhelmed at not recalling short term memories. I'd tried to plan something to suit everyone because I am trying not to be selfish. I only have 10 going to my wedding because it is a fair distance to travel and I didn't want people to feel resentment. I've arranged a party for a city with plenty of accommodation and choice and have told people there is no pressure to attend, they can wear what they like, can bring their children (or not if that is their choice).
Being part of a family group can mean doing things that may not necessarily be your cup of tea but that others enjoy. I've done countless outings that weren't what I would choose to do for birthday's, weddings etc but I do them because I know they mean something for someone else and they will be happy to have their family around them. And you know what? Sometimes things suprise me! A day I thought was my cup of tea I didn't actually enjoy, or something I forced myself to go to I really enjoyed.

Any chance that this ageist, patronising "okay boomer" bollocks could be left on Twitter?

I know AIBU can be pretty direct and/or brutal, but come on...

She adores her grandchildren. Likes being outdoors. Likes gardening and woods. Not a city person as gets overwhelmed. Likes to eat at a specific time each day (CP good as we can cater whenever). Likes to spend time with her sons.
We've booked CP as it seemed to tick all boxes and she has been before and loved it. We had even arranged for her distant family who dont see her very often and she always says she would love to spend more time with to meet us all for a lunch.
All we have tried to do is think of something to cater to her (increasingly more demanding and rigid) needs.
I'm laughing that people think I've booked a "sneaky holiday" by booking CP with the in laws and children! There are much easier and more relaxing things I could do. Tiptoeing around the inlaws is not my idea of a holiday!