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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with MIL?

279 replies

AforEffort9 · 29/12/2019 10:38

I'm getting married this year. I'm from a family of 4 sisters (so have 3 aunts plus my mum, and associated cousins) and we are very close. DPs family are from a small town, all live very local to each other.
I've planned a little get together at my house (2-8 hours away for my family who will make the effort to come for it, 1.5 hours for DPs family) as a hen party as I know DPs family won't want to come on a boozy hen do and I'd like the families to meet prior to the wedding. There will be afternoon tea and some civilised games suitable for nans- mainly just to get people chatting. We've been together for 6 years and our parents only met each other this year.

DP and his brother sat his parents down this year and told them they were worried about how increasingly insular and isolated they are becoming. MIL has given up driving (no health concerns, still active and well 69 year old), relies on FIL to drive her everywhere, doesn't go out and socialise at all unless with FIL. Her boys politely said they were worried what will happen if one of them dies and the other one is left so isolated.

I let MIL know last night about the meet up and she said she wouldn't come. DP and SIL say I should drip feed encouragement- but with a wedding to plan, a house renovation, working long exhausting thankless hours as a junior doctor, I just don't want to take this on too.

AIBU to be offended that she can't even make an effort for this when I have gone out of my way to plan an event to accommodate her?

OP posts:
cabingirl · 30/12/2019 13:33

You don't seem to have very much empathy for her feelings and decisions.

It comes across as if there must be something wrong with her because she has different wants and needs to you and your family.

Did anyone ask her what she wanted to do for her 70th birthday?

onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 13:37

Ah sorry I misunderstood your use of the word 'decline' I thought you were implying that her refusal was evidence of her health declining.

Gazelda · 30/12/2019 13:41

Instead of trying to fix problems that you and her sons think she has, maybe try getting to know her better and understand how she feels about things?
I know you we're trying to include her at the Hen, and I'd be disappointed at her refusal if I were you.
But it seems as though her family have decided what her problem is and decided how to fix it.
Try asking her, getting to know her, respecting her wishes, treating her as an adult who is loved and cared about.

FWIW, I am very close to my MIL. She drives me crazy, but I understand her motives. For instance. She doesn't like to travel or visit unfamiliar places as she needs to be close to a toilet at all times which embarrasses her. She is also losing her hearing which also saddens her. But her pride prevents her from confiding these issues with people she doesn't know very well, and she'd rather die than admit her 'woman's problems' to her son.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/12/2019 13:52

It’s really shit of her but you can’t make her be arsed about you if she isn’t.

No. It isn’t really shit of her. She doesn’t want to go so she’s declined the invitation. I have found one of the main joys to getting older is that you stop people pleasing and can do what you choose to. Or not as the case may be.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/12/2019 13:57

Her sons just told her they have booked and paid for a Centre Parcs break for her birthday. She claims to love spending time with her family and has been on similar holidays before and loved it. They needed something to keep a toddler to their ages entertained. The men spoke for hours about what was best and what would suit her foibles. She looked at them with disgust and walked out of the room. I don't think we can win.

Your poor bloody MIL. All these men who think they know what’s best for her and make arrangements accordingly. Patronising bunch. I too would be disgusted if my family booked me a Centre Parcs break for my birthday. In fact I’d be devastated and would probably tell them all to get to fuck.

ButterflyBook · 30/12/2019 14:02

I too would be disgusted if my family booked me a Centre Parcs break for my birthday

But think of all the fun you'd have! The water chute is heaving with 70 year old ladies, hadn't you noticed? And no need to worry about being near a loo. We can just pee in the pool!

bigbubbles · 30/12/2019 14:09

This has be a wind up- no-one can be as insensitive/thick skinned as the OP in real life.

She is 69- great time to give up driving.

It is not customary for a MIL to go on a hen do- I probably wouldn't go on my DILs.

Centre Parks -hell on earth. With extended family-the burning fires of Satan- why would anyone buy that as a gift? A gift should be thoughtful or personal. Why not get them a holiday they would enjoy?

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/12/2019 14:14

Ok boomer.

Juliette. How pathetically puerile. Can’t you be a bit more original? On second thoughts, probably not. 🙄

Original poster
AforEffort9 · 30/12/2019 14:20

Thanks BigBubbles.

I hope that comment makes you feel better knowing that you have made a stranger on the internet (and someone at a really shit time in life for reasons I haven't gone into on here because it's not relevant) feel like you have made me feel. I'm actually in the process of getting an adult diagnosis of autism and have battled my entire life to do what is "socially correct". I've tried to think what others would want and that takes 10x more brain power because I'm having to use mimickry and learned experience to answer this question, rather than a NT person just getting it.
Merry christmas.

OP posts:
ButterflyBook · 30/12/2019 14:30

Thanks BigBubbles

That's not fair. That's a massive drip-feed.

bigbubbles · 30/12/2019 14:35

I'm actually in the process of getting an adult diagnosis of autism and have battled my entire life to do what is "socially correct".

Which you didn't say!

If that is true and this is not just part of some wind up thread then I apologise, but drip feeding is not acceptable on mumsnet.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 30/12/2019 14:37

It's not really relevant though.
Bottom line is that MIL is trying to live her life but her family are trying to pigeon hole her and force her into what they consider appropriate.

Your Hen Do I'm sure will be nice for the guests there.

For other it does not sound an enjoyable time. And she is free to decline. She doesn't need to know your family. I'm sure they're nice. But she can not be interested in them.

It would've been appropriate to talk to her before booking centre parks.

You know better for future.

SilverySurfer · 30/12/2019 14:44

There isn't enough money on the planet to persuade me to go and play party games with a group of people I don't know.

Trust me when I tell you that 69 year olds are fully capable of deciding what they do or don't want to do in their life.

Leave the woman alone to do her own thing and that goes for her sons too. It's not a personal insult to you, she just has zero interest in attending.

PooWillyBumBum · 30/12/2019 14:46

I understand you’re upset, but can you imagine if she came on here:

“I’m 69, anxious in social situations and my DIL invited me to a hen party with relatives I don’t know to play games and I can’t face it”

Surely our advice would be to decline?

Similarly with the “concerns” her sons raise...no one wants to be told how to live by their children!

I can understand it’s a bit of a knock but if no one from your husbands side is coming, why not re-arrange closer to where you’re from and make a weekend of it? If she doesn’t want to engage, that’s fine, your part was done when you invited her. Her sons’ strange pushiness around their parents social life doesn’t give you any responsibility to hound her about it.

onalongsabbatical · 30/12/2019 14:55

Dear OP. Don't panic! Ignore the very rude people, they are just doing their thing. I had a sense of you struggling to understand. I think I'm a bit like you (no autism diagnosis but I think I am that way inclined). I'm going to say just one thing here and try and say it clearly, and also it's something I have had to learn, it did NOT come naturally to me AT ALL.

This bit - I've tried to think what others would want and that takes 10x more brain power because I'm having to use mimickry and learned experience to answer this question, rather than a NT person just getting it. You can't do it. No-one can. You can't think what others WOULD want. You can only ask them. We're all different, and we're all complicated. What's more, we want different things at different times. Liking centreparcs once doesn't have to mean liking it again. I really, really think you have to ask her what she wants, and if it's to not come, to be alone, to be left alone, accept her for it. I think human beings are so difficult and I think you are trying your best. Wishing you well. Flowers

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 15:50

I'm actually in the process of getting an adult diagnosis of autism and have battled my entire life to do what is "socially correct". I've tried to think what others would want and that takes 10x more brain power because I'm having to use mimickry and learned experience to answer this question, rather than a NT person just getting it.

If this is the case, and you are actively pursuing a diagnosis, surely it must have crossed your mind that you are being unreasonable. Thats why you posted? And why you are pursuing diagnosis. Because you notice how you see things isnt how everyone else does?

Or you posted because you are so convinced you are right, you wanted people to join in telling you how awful she is.

At the end of the day, she is her own person and her sons seem to spend a lot of time telling her how she should be and what she should enjoy and how she should live.

If you cant read the signs, you just cant. But your husband to be needs to leave his mum be. And you need to accept a an answer when she gives you it.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 16:00

What I do know is that there are a lot of horribly selfish and nasty people in her generation. I don't know what went wrong there, but boomers are really terrible for it. War babies and older are/were lovely.

Bollocks. My mum is a war baby and has never considered anyone but herself for her whole life.
I, a boomer, along with many others, care for several generations of family and volunteer in my spare time.

You can fuck off with your 'OK boomer', frankly. Grow up.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 16:03

OP, you've tried to do a lovely thing. As have your MIL's sons, who appear to have thought about all the things she likes (and has done before) and wrapped them up into a lovely present and event for her big birthday.

I honestly don't know what most posters in this thread are on.
It turns out that MIL has changed her mind about CP (which she loved last time). But how was anyone to know, and how does that excuse her walking out in disgust?

My daughters did a similar booked trip for my 60th. I loved it. The fact that they'd sat and worked out a weekend that would include all the things I like , made me feel very loved.

Scarsthelot · 30/12/2019 16:15

Perhaps she didnt love it. Perhaps she was told she would love it, because that's what they wanted her to do and think.

Maybe she loved it, but didnt want to do it again. Maybe she wanted her birthday to be about something she actually wanted.

choli · 30/12/2019 16:36

I'm laughing that people think I've booked a "sneaky holiday" by booking CP with the in laws and children! There are much easier and more relaxing things I could do. Tiptoeing around the inlaws is not my idea of a holiday!
It seems that your MIL feels the same way.

saraclara · 30/12/2019 16:40

If my daughter's booked me another weekend away with them because I enjoyed the last one so much, I wouldn't walk out in disgust even if I no longer enjoyed weekends away. I'd appreciate that they wanted to make me happy, and suck it up. And make sure that at some point in a few months I let them know the things that I now enjoy.

It sounds very much as though MIL is having some kind of personality change, and I think the sons are right to be worried.

diddl · 30/12/2019 17:02

Perhaps she does want to spend time but at hers or theirs?

Maybe she's sick of falling into other people's plans & is finally saying no!

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 30/12/2019 17:20

Or maybe she walked out in disgust because there is much more to the story.

Like she has repeatedly asked them to stop interfering and trying to control her life.

BlueLadybird · 30/12/2019 17:35

I don’t want to scare you but my MIL was like this in the early stages of dementia.

Yes it’s a shame she doesn’t want to come especially as you’ve tried so hard to accommodate her. But better she isn’t there than there and miserable. Accept she isn’t coming, move on and have a great night with those who are there.

Lunde · 30/12/2019 18:10

As a junior doctor you must have considered whether a 70 year old such as your MIL is entering a phase of cognitive decline or even dementia - one of the early but noticeable symptoms is difficulties in socialization and communication, especially away from her familiar home and people. It was certainly true of my mother's slide into dementia that although she might want to meet with family she could no longer cope with making small talk with people she didn't know (or couldn't remember well). She did some pretty rude stuff at family reunions to make sure that she sat with immediate family (such as switching seating cards or occupying someone else's seat and refusing to move). She also found it increasingly hard to cope in noisy, confusing places - which we first noticed in the swimming centre at CP.