Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
Catapillarsruletheworld · 28/12/2019 18:04

We went to my parents for dinner and I took desert. I was the only one of 5 adult children to bring anything though, but on the other hand I bring the most people (DP and 2 DC), so felt it was fair to bring something.

JJTWhite · 28/12/2019 18:05

I had this exact conversation with someone over Christmas, the whining these guests did was incredible and the little comments and they didn’t contribute at all, I wouldn’t dream of turning up anywhere without a contribution at all, I brought drinks, dessert and part of the main and I was visiting a parents with my 3 children. It’s just a courtesy.

BrusselPout · 28/12/2019 18:05

It's incredibly bad manners for them not to at least offer - if you turn them down that is different, but the should at least offer to a) bring things with them b) help with the food prep on the day.

burritofan · 28/12/2019 18:09

I always turn up to my parents' house for Christmas with a panettone, champagne, flowers, etc; do a top-up shop, cook a couple of the meals including fancy puddings, etc. Parents provide bountiful feasts, endless chocolate and booze supply, all the crackers and extras. And at the end of the visit they reimburse me for the shop and the stuff we brought along, by wodging cash into my suitcase, because that's what they do.

As a pp said, they're my parents, not a hotel. They like treating us (and are also a lot better off than I am anyway).

zzzzzzzx · 28/12/2019 18:09

I had my sister, partner and 2 adult boys come to me. I have a husband, 3 children (one adult) and adult child’s partner. Me and my sister split the cost between us. We roughly calculated all we spent and made it £29 per person but only me and my sister paid. It wouldn’t have occurred to our adult children.

mcmooberry · 28/12/2019 18:09

Yes very rude, when we stay with FIL for a max of 3 nights with our 3 children we take him and his partner out for a meal plus give him money towards the general food. Would hate to think of him going to a huge expense due to our visit.

Yeahnah2020 · 28/12/2019 18:12

Very rude. I would never do that.

countrygirl99 · 28/12/2019 18:13

We had both DS and their girlfriends this Christmas. We told them not no buy us presents just bring some drink. The vegan girlfriend brought a few special things and both sets have cooked a meal over the break. DS1 lives at home he and his girlfriend frequently cook a meal.

cptartapp · 28/12/2019 18:13

Well - off PIL brought two £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons to our Xmas lunch. For six adults and four teenage boys. Plus six mince pies and took home those uneaten

MarciaDidia · 28/12/2019 18:17

For me, it's definitely about feeling appreciated - if it's only for Christmas Day, I don't expect a contribution per se but it would be nice if someone brought a bottle or a box of chocolates or something.

nowaypose · 28/12/2019 18:19

I think staying for five nights without contributing at all is a piss take. Coming to Christmas dinner empty handed wouldn’t piss me off too much but five nights without so much as an offer to wash up is CF material.

LuluJakey1 · 28/12/2019 18:21

We had lunch at PIL's and took a bottle of champagne, some flowers and naice chocolates. It is just a gesture to say 'Thank you'.

RhymingRabbit3 · 28/12/2019 18:21

You could have asked.

cloudyrain · 28/12/2019 18:21

No overnight stays but we have been to a wider friends gathering/party where a light buffet lunch was provided, we were asked not to bring contributions although would normally have taken at least 1 dish and wine.

Christmas dinner at parents with my siblings and their DC, my sister and I did the puddings, my parents provided the food, but me and my siblings did most of the prep and clearing up. Dad always does the wine and those that drink something else bring it with them.
In-law lunch (this year the venue was PIL house) starters and desserts provided by us, main courses each family made one, meal planned and executed by DH with a little assistance from PIL.
DC come home from Uni but don't bring or provide food but then after 5 hours on a train not sure I would want it!

However, our parents and siblings have a comfortable standard of living so there is no financial hardship when providing the food.

JaceLancs · 28/12/2019 18:22

I hosted my parents when DC were young - they always bought the turkey and DM used to make n bring the Xmas pudding
If DD and DS are with me for a celebration meal normally one will bring something for a starter and other one dessert
They also help with food prep and washing up
I don’t have people staying often but if I did wouldn’t bother me if they didn’t bring anything or help (they invariably do though)
If I stay at friends I will either take them out for a meal, pay for a takeaway or cook - depending on my state of finances at the time
I will also arrive or leave them with flowers

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/12/2019 18:24

Hmmm.

I think if everyone knows you can afford it, there are no 'shoulds and oughts' about contributing to cost. I didn't when I used to go 'home' (to parents) , but now another family member does the hosting (due to the biggest space) we share the cost between us siblings.

If I was a guest where I knew money was tight I would contribute a properly fair share (not just a bottle of wine and a box of chocs) , in kind or by sharing the shopping bill.

It is surprising that they didn't turn up with champagne or wine, maybe.

What they definitely should have contributed to is meal prep and clearing up. 'Looking after the children' is no excuse - presumably they manage to cook when they are at home, and that is when at least one parent will be at work? And no grandparents to play with the kids while they do it! They should have done at least alternate meals, and done all the washing up and clearing up after Christmas dinner, mucking in like family.

GOODCAT · 28/12/2019 18:26

We had my mum with us for Christmas. We would never expect her to contribute. Aside from anything else she paid to get here. The same would apply if we went to her. It would be different if there were a massive disparity in incomes.

I would possibly think differently if it were always one way traffic, but it isn't. We are family and always try to be generous towards one another.

Goldwispa · 28/12/2019 18:26

My mum would never ask me to contribute, if my parents came to stay I wouldn't expect them to bring anything.

Babybel90 · 28/12/2019 18:26

No, I think if you host then you pay, guests should bring something to drink or dessert but most of the costs should be borne by the hosts.

WatchOutLurkerAbout · 28/12/2019 18:27

I went to my mums this Christmas for Christmas Day, night and Boxing Day. We bought Christmas dinner, snacks, dessert, treats, our drinks and everything. I even cooked Christmas dinner. I definitely come from a family where the adult "kids" treat the parents and not the other way round. I'm always amazed when well paid adults allow their elderly parents to pay for fancy meals out etc. Feels wrong to me Confused

chillandrelax · 28/12/2019 18:27

It depends on your relationship. My parents wouldn't expect or accept anything. I always take flowers and did take a cake this time. We don't stay overnight though.

ArtichokeAardvark · 28/12/2019 18:29

They should definitely have contributed. Every Christmas all the adults in my family (including adult children) have a conversation about who will bring what - someone does the turkey, someone does pudding and cheese, another does all the veg, etc. It's been that way since we each left university and started earning a salary!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/12/2019 18:31

They should have brought something in appreciation, OP - and not require instruction to do that either. It's rude of them and I know its the fashion on mumsnet that children don't have to lift a finger for their parents but it's not they way I do it or see in real life either.

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/12/2019 18:31

No, I think if you host then you pay, guests should bring something to drink or dessert but most of the costs should be borne by the hosts

For 5 guests? For 5 days? No contribution at all?

Fr0g · 28/12/2019 18:32

As a young adult, wouldn't have takem anything.

My brother would turn up with wife and children, ask my mother for the cost of the petrol, and invariably order take aways in addition to very large meals cooked by my mother and expect my parents to pay.
Then invariably whinge incessently not being able to pay the electricity bill/buy kids shoes until my mother forked out for that as well.
He and wife would once grabbed a tin of chocolates and sit there in a room full of people and eat them between the pair of them - even my Dad, who was usually quite blunt, was too stunned to object to that. The first time.