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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
NewName73 · 28/12/2019 17:41

I would have expected them to ask what you would like them to contribute beforehand. Failing that, they should have brought at least 2 bottles of champagne and a large box of chocolates with them!

ArranUpsideDown · 28/12/2019 17:42

I was brought up to not so much as accept an invitation to someone's home for a cup of tea without bringing something. The flipside of that was that, as children, we wouldn't accept invitations because we couldn't afford even a small gift. I can't imagine staying overnight or longer without a gift.

Even now, I never know whether or not people can afford the petrol money/public transport costs to make a visit.

I have no idea how people negotiate the costs amongst themselves or if general embarrassment about finances means that there are lots of assumptions and almost no discussions.

NewName73 · 28/12/2019 17:42

We spent Xmas with my parents - 2 adults and their 2 teenage grandchildren.

We brought the meat, Xmas pudding, sprouts and mince pies.

All agreed in advance with my parents.

Notso · 28/12/2019 17:43

Did you invite them?
Did they invite themselves?
What's happened in previous years?

If I invite people I don't expect them to contribute. If they ask if they can bring something then I say bring a bottle of whatever they'd like to drink.

DH's siblings never offer contribute if we invite them here. They do do the dishes though. His parents offer to help or bring something but it's usually something only they like and they also insist we invite two of his siblings.

AlessandroVasectomi · 28/12/2019 17:43

Our son and his wife brought a Pannetone, but we didn’t expect or ask them to bring anything. As a previous poster said, just be happy that they spend Christmas with you.

That said, I would always take a token offering, such as a bottle of wine or champagne. Actually I think the Pannetone was a lovely idea.

MIL also spent Christmas with us. She brought Jaffa Cakes, chocolate biscuits and some other odds and ends. Just a token is fine. Perhaps the OP should calculate the overall cost of her Christmas, apportion it between those who attended, making allowances for the smaller appetites of children, and invoice the family accordingly. Not that she minds the cost, of course.

musicposy · 28/12/2019 17:45

DD1 actually asked if we wanted her and boyfriend to bring anything. I was quite surprised but said yes, could she bring enough wine/ sparkling for the 7 of us that were there. They were quite generous and brought quite a bit of drink. They took back anything unopened as I told them to. I thought that was fair - I’m not trying to profit out of them. Dsis who came also brought plenty of non alcoholic drink. They got two day’s worth of lovely meals in return so I think they did ok.

DD2 and boyfriend didn’t contribute, though boyfriend brought a big tub of chocolates as a thank you from his family (they were away and we had him over Christmas), which I thought was lovely. Otherwise I didn’t expect them to contribute as they are still in education (so I don’t yet count them as adult although they technically are).

I think if you want them to bring stuff, just ask. PPs are right in that you tend to revert to a child a bit with parents and not do what you would automatically do with friends. They sometimes need a nudge to behave like the equal adults they are.

needanewnamechange · 28/12/2019 17:45

Yeah it's rude if it was just her than not so bad but her dh & dc so 4 of them eating & drinking so quite expensive. I don't think that's the norm . My dd at uni didn't contribute but bought her own alcohol spirit & mixer and food she likes she's a vegetarian so I don't mind so much but she drinks my coffee eats bread etc but when noticed low on something ie cheese went out and bought some more . I think you need to suggest she brings a dessert or some wine next time . Does she ask that shall I bring something beforehand?

FairytaleofButlins · 28/12/2019 17:47

It wouldn't even occur to me to expect a contribution from my own children! The idea when you have them around is to treat them, it seems so mean not to. You are not a hotel, you are their PARENT?

I appreciate that on MN kids must be kicked out at 16 or 18, make their own way and pay for everything, but in the real world it's not something I had ever heard about! People help out their kids as much as they can, expecting a contribution for Christmas? Really? How depressing.

Cryingoverspilttea · 28/12/2019 17:49

You raised her OP Confused didn't you teach her as she was growing up to be a kind guest? If not then what are you moaning about?

Ohyesiam · 28/12/2019 17:49

We all descended on the in-laws. I took all the meat, bubbly and crackers. My 82 year old mother crossed London with crackers, bubbly, chocolates and cake.

Who turns up empty handed?

Toucan123 · 28/12/2019 17:50

Yes absolutely they should have contributed something and as they were staying for several days they offered to take you out for dinner as well. That's just basic good manners. When I go to my parents for Christmas Day I always ask my mother what she wants me to contribute in the way of food but she always says nothing. So I always bring a couple of bottles of champagne and some wine.

OlaEliza · 28/12/2019 17:52

I always give my mum money towards big family dinners. If we get takeaway we never expect my mum to pay, or when we go out.

She says no to money but I leave it tucked away in the fruit bowl on the dinner table or on the side table where the keys and letters etc live.

She was a single parent with 4 kids, 2 were twins and youngest disabled. She did her bit bringing us up, it's our turn to treat her and sort her out now.

Kit19 · 28/12/2019 17:53

Wouldn’t occur to me to go & stay at anyone’s house & not bring something even if it’s just something small like a bottle of wine

Went to see DM & DSD, DF & DSM & DS & BIL over Christmas and took wine to all as well as making all the puddings for Christmas Day

CatFaceCats · 28/12/2019 17:53

We hosted for my in laws this year - my MIL offered to give us money for all the food (we are by no means struggling but they are millionaires!) but we politely declined. They offered to bring starter or dessert, also declined as I’d bought everything already. Told her I was more than happy for her just to bring a bottle! But we do go to them most years and I always offer a dessert/starter/booze combo and she also declines it all so I bring booze anyway!
When we visit my parents, I can be bossier so I usually put my foot down and take gin/pudding!

Donkeykong2019 · 28/12/2019 17:55

I always offer but my parents never ask for anything! Think it's rude not to offer

Angeldust747 · 28/12/2019 17:55

We always bring something, this year we bought a hamper from the butchers with the turkey in but other years have bought booze etc. As a guest you should bring something, whatever you can afford really but it is rude to turn up empty handed

OlaEliza · 28/12/2019 17:56

So I think your children were rude op.

Dieu · 28/12/2019 17:57

It was very bad form on their part. I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed.

Actionhasmagic · 28/12/2019 17:59

I would always turn up with a bottle of champagne but at my parents house they love feeding us

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 18:00

@LastInTheQueue

“Had it been just for Christmas lunch, this wouldn’t bother me too much. But to stay for FIVE nights with your partner and children and not bring anything is just plain rude.”

This exactly.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2019 18:00

I voted YABU because you're complaining that they didn't contribute but you didn't actually ask them to.
I used to do big family christmasses before we downsized. Myself, sisters and parents would discuss beforehand what each of us was providing, like meat, dessert, starters, booze, chocs etc. My brothers would just turn up! They are both much less well off than the rest of us though.
Before that, we would all go to mums for a couple of nights. She wouldn't pay for everything but we would all help out with cooking and cleaning whilst mum would play with the little ones.

Next time, ask them what they'd like to bring!

Dipsydoodle · 28/12/2019 18:02

I think it depends on your family. When we visit each other, we aren't 'guests'. We arrive and put the kettle on and muck in. There's no sitting around waiting to be entertained or hosting that goes on, really. If my mum wants us to bring something, she'll ask! Otherwise it will most likely be surplus to requirements anyway. They have enough wine and other stuff to sink a battle ship.

Baguetteaboutit · 28/12/2019 18:02

As a guest you should bring something, whatever you can afford really but it is rude to turn up empty handed

Well, if you are popping around to a friend's house, then yes. But families are different and the tone and expectations are built over decades. I wouldn't ask or expect my family to bring anything on nye when we get together, not because they are rude but because this is how we roll. If I'm hosting, I'm treating. I guess I could change my mind, keep it secret and play the injured party on MN.

KnightandDay · 28/12/2019 18:03

We all went to my parents on Christmas day, we stayed over but my sisters didn't as they live close by. Everyone brought a contribution; we brought starters, my sister brought all the veg and other sis brought dessert. We all brought wine.
It's just manners, even if you are visiting parents. Christmas is an expensive time, it's not fair for one family to take the full burden of food and drink for everyone.

GlomOfNit · 28/12/2019 18:03

I think they should have offered to bring the makings of a meal/take you all out for one meal but when you invite someone round it's traditionally expected, I suppose, that you supply the hospitality. That said, coming empty-handed without even wine, nibbles, chocolates etc is very strange.

It can depend on the family though. We always go to my PIL for Easter and if I brought the makings of one of our meals I'd get a really chilly 'what, you think we can't cook/afford the food?!' reception. (nb. they can't cook and I dread the grey, leathery lamb for weeks beforehand) I always, always come with some things - wine, because we drink it even if they won't have more than half a glass the whole weekend, beers ditto, maybe some nice fruit and a bunch of flowers. Also a Simnel Cake that I make, but to avoid treading on toes I make sure this is ok first (even though my MIL's baking is a bit hit and miss) because I don't want unnecessary upset. And she is perfectly capable of taking the bringing of a homemade cake as a negative comment on her cooking.