Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 17:13

@Savingforarainyday

"It wouldn't occur to me to ask my children to contribute."

No, but it should occur to THEM to contribute something.

It's just plain manners.

lovemenorca · 28/12/2019 17:16

@WhereverIMayRoam

Out of interest - do you invite them a couple of times a year? And do they return the invite to you?

MRex · 28/12/2019 17:17

It really all depends on your finances and family norms. If you can't afford it or simply don't want to pay then you should have asked, before they came. My mum would be horrified at the thought of us paying for anything, but equally confused if we didn't at least offer to help with the cooking and cleaning up. DH's family each like a dish and booze (specifics agreed in advance) as contribution, but hate having anyone getting in the way in their kitchens. In my house they can bring a dish or booze if they really want, but I'm not bothered if they don't.

MitziK · 28/12/2019 17:17

I did it the first Christmas down with the DP's mother.

Spent £50 on enough food and drink to cover the time we'd be down and leave her not needing to shop until after the New Year, knowing that she is so worried about bills that she turned off everything except the fridge at all times, measured water out for showers and switched if off once there was 2 litres of water in it, switches the heating on once a day for seven minutes exactly and would keep half a cherry tomato for the following day if she had a sandwich.

She went out and bought duplicates of everything and we had to carry it all back 280 miles on the train.

Since then we've made a point of eating out on visits. Well, since then and her six week trip over the Far East, the week in Morocco, the fortnight in France and 17 long weekends in various places.

MrsLinManuelMiranda · 28/12/2019 17:19

My DH, DD and I went to my DSis last year. We took 3x desserts, 2 bottles of wine , case of lager , case of cider , soft drinks for children and a tin of .chocs. When I hosted a few years ago my DSis brought a similar assortment. When our DPs used to host my DSis and I would take turns to provide the turkey and we would each bring drinks etc. I think it was quite entitled of your DC to not even offer to contribute anything.

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/12/2019 17:22

We split courses, so one of us brings starters, one dessert & cheese board and the other canapes. We also rotate so whoever is doing the main changes each year (although my Dad prefers hosting)
We arrange in November who is doing what. We all live close enough that we don't have to stay as well which helps. Next year perhaps in the family group ask who wants to do what.

kateandme · 28/12/2019 17:23

mum buys all the food in here.all for very adult children staying over christmas.
all the adults will help out.cook.clean.if we go out offers will go of treating the parents.or buying bits.
one night one sibling went out and got ingredients for spaghetti carbonara and cooked it for everyone.
so its not a given but mum and dad would never ask.and i get the feeling mum loves her children coming home again and so buying food for everyone ispat of preparing for that...but now im worried!is she secretly thinking what you are op?

kateandme · 28/12/2019 17:24

if we go to wider inlaws we always offer to make or take

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2019 17:25

I think next time you ought to ask her to please contribute, wine, cheese board and a cake. If you've never told her to bring a gift to the host, then she didn't know.

WhereverIMayRoam · 28/12/2019 17:26

@lovemenorca No I wouldn’t say we invite them, not in any formal sense! It’s more a case of we were thinking of coming for a week over Easter and us saying when we’re free. I know we could refuse but I don’t feel that strongly about it Grin. They’re dhs sister and her family.

Oh and no, they don’t return the favour! They prefer to come here as it’s a “holiday”. If we go there we stay in a hotel as they don’t have the space (2 adults, 4 dc) and we pay for eg lunch out, day trips, takeaway, wine/beer for everyone. We are financially better off than they are but they’re not on the bones of their arse either - it’s just a bit one way traffic really Hmm.

8Track · 28/12/2019 17:26

My DP and I went to my parents for Boxing Day. We brought a home cooked ham and 2 bottles of wine.

My brother, who suggested the meeting (he doesn't live with them!), brought nothing.

Dollymixture22 · 28/12/2019 17:27

When my sister hosts I do starter and desert. I also take booze - much more than I could ever drink (champagne, Prosecco and wine).

Next year assign them a course. I cant believe they turned up empty handed. Not even a few bottles of wine?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 28/12/2019 17:27

Me and DS went to my parents' and stayed one night. We took alcohol and home made crackers, and I helped cook the dinner. In previous years, DH and I would take the turkey, but this year is the first without him and it was too painful to do that. My sister lives at home and doesn't contribute at all (not even board), so I think my mum was happy.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 28/12/2019 17:29

Myself, DH and two kids go to my parents every year for an overnight on Christmas day. Before we had kids we wouldn't have brought any food but now I bring wine, dessert, all the veg and the ham. They do turkey and potatoes and drinks. We also bring gifts and my husband always gives €200 to my dad as a thank you!

LH1987 · 28/12/2019 17:29

I think that is really rude, when I got to my parents, I always buys lots of wine, spirits and a bunch of nice food. Aswell as cooking dinner on Christmas day.

Its a difficult one as you don't want to seem demanding but maybe next year could you suggest on of them cooks Christmas Eve Dinner (And brings the ingredients), one cooks Boxing day dinner etc?

AnyOldPrion · 28/12/2019 17:29

I’m amazed by these replies. Surely whether it’s rude is entirely dependent on family dynamics.

In my family, the norm is that visitors are provided for. If it was Christmas, I’d take my parents presents, and I guess other times I might take a token gift, but there would be no offence taken if I didn’t. They’re simply glad to see me. When they come here, I wouldn’t expect them to bring me anything either. I consider my home theirs and theirs mine, up to a point.

It was the same when I was a child and we visited grandparents. They didn’t expect anything to be brought. Presumably if money is short, then tactful help is in order, but otherwise not necessary. It’s family and one of the best things about family is surely that they don’t take offence at unimportant things?

In addition, your daughter and son-in-law were caring for three children, the youngest of whom is pretty much still a toddler. I bet they arrived and were wholeheartedly grateful for a rest. I know when my children were that age, it was a massive treat for someone else to make the dinner.

Now I would help out much more in the kitchen, as would my young adult children.

When you were young and you went to the in-laws, were they struggling that you felt the need to take the turkey? I think if people are struggling for money, it’s a different matter.

OP, you say you were perfectly happy and enjoyed their company. Why spoil the memory for yourself now? You’re setting yourself up for future resentment unless you plan to embarrass your daughter by telling her off for “being rude”.

AhNowTed · 28/12/2019 17:30

"If you've never told her to bring a gift to the host, then she didn't know."

No one needs to be told to do the decent mannerly thing to bring wine or pay for a meal out.

Can't believe the DH was happy to show up empty handed either.

Just plain rude and mean.

OhTheRoses · 28/12/2019 17:31

Hmm.

SiL and BiL stayed once when our dc were small - for about 10 days whilst travelling. They saved a fortune on hotels, left theor bedroom a tip and ate breakfast and dinner on us - with a 2 year old and 5 year old I cooked every evening and they didn't so much as put a plate in the dishwasher.

When they left - they left a brief thank you note on an old envelope with 4 Stellas.

The other SiL is not disimilar. Personally, and no offence meant op, but I blame the mother. Children copy what they see.

AnnaMagnani · 28/12/2019 17:34

Most people revert to being children around their parents. So your adult daughter might always at least bring a bottle of wine to a friend's dinner party but it could easily never occur to her to offer to chip in at mum's, the provider of all things.

If you want them to chip as part of an adult arrangement that's totally fine and normal. But it isn't necessarily rudeness on your daughter's part that means it hasn't occurred to her, she probably doesn't see you exactly like the other adult-adult relationships in her life.

LastInTheQueue · 28/12/2019 17:37

Had it been just for Christmas lunch, this wouldn’t bother me too much. But to stay for FIVE nights with your partner and children and not bring anything is just plain rude.

user1471590586 · 28/12/2019 17:37

I always ask parents and on laws etc who are hosting what they want us to bring. Sometimes they say nothing but on Chrustmas day I usually provide the Christmas puddings and crackers at least.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 28/12/2019 17:40

We stayed with family this year over Xmas - offered financial contribution to the food and when that was politely declined I offered to make some desserts, bring a cheeseboard and we also took a tin of chocolates and several bottles of booze.

When it was my year I don't remember anyone bringing/offering anything! But I remember how expensive it was when you factor not only breakfasts (usually a full English!) the turkey dinner and all the other extra bits like nibbles cheese nuts etc to keep half a dozen adults and the same number of kids happy and fed!

Baguetteaboutit · 28/12/2019 17:40

All families have a different way of doing things and normally the rules around it evolve through discussion and precedence.

Given that you didn't ask, have never asked and that it's never occured to you to ask it seems a bit mean to throw up their behaviour for judgement because you are feeling a bit pissy about it this year.

namechangenumber2 · 28/12/2019 17:41

If we go to my parents we always provide Boxing Day breakfast - usually a full cooked and a selection of cold things for those that want it.

This year they came to us ( but didn't stay) and they brought wine, soft drinks , Yule log and a Christmas cake

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/12/2019 17:41

It wouldn’t occur to me either to expect my child to contribute. This will always be their home to return to.

If going to a friend or relative, I would expect them to take a small gift for the host.

I never understand why people offer an invite then expect others to pay/contribute for accepting.