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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
Freshprincess · 28/12/2019 16:55

My parents wouldn't let me, Last year I took some biscuits and cake and she packed them all up again and gave me them back as I was leaving.

I've only managed to succeed in paying for lunch once with my dad, I caught him off guard when he went to the loo. Next time my mum came round she left the money on the mantelpiece.

Anybody else I would always offer and take something with me.

RedskyAtnight · 28/12/2019 16:56

I think it depends on family dynamics.
My parents would be insulted if I brought food or drink when staying at their house - they would see it as an indication that I didn't think they were hosting me properly.

NeverTwerkNaked · 28/12/2019 16:57

It depends. It costs us several hundred pounds to visit my parents, they rarely visit us but are much wealthier. So I take token gifts but really see us doing all the travelling as our contribution

IndecentFeminist · 28/12/2019 16:57

It would never occur to my parents to ask is, or expect it. We will often take a bottle, chocolates etc but those are extras really. Likewise my in-laws.

SourAndSnippy · 28/12/2019 16:58

I would have bought something like a case of wine and I'd have definitely helped. There were two of them so no excuse that they were looking after the kids.

I would ask them to bring something next time.
I don't expect or ask my adult kids to contribute anything though but they all
Help out and are very very grateful. I would feel comfortable asking them to bring something if I wanted them to.

MarciaDidia · 28/12/2019 16:58

I had my in-laws for the day on Christmas Day. They didn't bring so much as a bottle of wine or a tray of nibbles. Nor did they help to clear the table or make a cup of tea or coffee. My MIL did wash up the glasses and my BIL dried them up and also played games on the Switch with the kids. My SIL did nothing and FIL the same. My SIL has never hosted Christmas- I don't think they have any idea of what it costs and how much effort goes into it.

FrivolousPancake · 28/12/2019 16:59

I agree with you OP.

Very bad manners!

SerenDippitty · 28/12/2019 17:00

Rude and entitled.

burnoutbabe · 28/12/2019 17:01

Just spent a week at my parents but never occurred to me to bring anything. I sent flowers beforehand but they are well off and at most we get one bottle of wine to drink (none of us drink much).
I did offer my sister £100 gift card for posh food shop when she hosted but she isn't as well off comparatively.

winterisstillcoming · 28/12/2019 17:01

It was rude of them not to offer, either help or food. It's good for grandchildren to see their parents helping their own parents.

Whatever you do don't blame yourself for their bad manners.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 17:02

Well, now you know why they are so well off!

Rosebel · 28/12/2019 17:02

I normally ask my parents if,they'd like us to provide something and they always say no but I tend to make some sort of dessert or starter anyway.
I don't for my in laws as they never bring anything (apart from wine that they don't share) and I don't wash up anymore either as last Christmas I did all the cooking and washing up.
So if you contribute when you stay with them they should do the same. If you don't then I understand why they don't.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:03

So, instead of discussing it with them as adults you decided to go online and invite endless strangers to bitch about them? Nice.

I don't think it's the supposed rudeness of your offspring that's the primary issue.

Leflic · 28/12/2019 17:06

How did it not come up in conversation though. I know of no adults ( regardless of whether they are offspring or not) who would stay anywhere for a few nights without contributing sonething.

Are you massively loaded maybe? Did they think it’s a bit pointless giving you stuff you clearly gave got in already?

Stroan · 28/12/2019 17:07

I would have contributed at least a starter or dessert to the christmas meal, taken some treats and paid for a meal or takeaway for some of the other days I was there. My parents wouldn't have expected it, or asked for it but I wouldn't feel right.

My adult siblings would have to be asked. They would never even think about it. Sometimes I wonder how we managed to be so different when raised by the same people!

BrieAndChilli · 28/12/2019 17:08

This is mumsnet - you will get lots of people saying no, you hosted you should foot the whole bill.... meanwhile in the real world most people would either contribute cash or actual items.
We have my sisters family of 4 for Christmas. I had my niece and newphew to stay from the Saturday before while my sister and BIl worked and they can up on Xmas eve.
My sister gave me £100 towards the food, brought some gin and wine and a Yule log and a couple of other little bits. It was easier for her to give cash rather than trying to work out what she would bring and what would last the 2 hour journey etc
I provided all food and drink for all the meals, got all the kids Xmas eve pjs, got the crackers and napkins and snacks etc.

lovemenorca · 28/12/2019 17:09

My single 30 year old brother transferred £100. He was here less than 24 hours, for Xmas eve dinner, lunch and breakfast. He had maybe two drinks.

He didn’t even tell me! I just saw the deposit and questioned him, and he refused to accept it back.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2019 17:10

To my parents’ home, as a youngish adult (up to 30+ish), it wouldn’t have occurred to me to take a wine or some sort of thank you gift, though I would have done that staying at friends or a distant relative’s. But I would also have done whatever my parents asked me to do to help with the weekend. And that seems to have generally been the case for most of my friends too from what I have seen of visiting habits. But by the time I was 40ish I would barely expect them to do a thing and would take them out for meals, do a shop for them, cook, order takeaway, etc. Again - what most of my friends seem to do going from discussions and FB posts.

I think it takes a while to shake off the role of being the child with the parents being the ones who set the expectations and give out while you, as the child, are the one who receives and follows. Then you get to grips with it (perceived relative wealth probably also plays a big part) and it all flips quite quickly.

Apolloanddaphne · 28/12/2019 17:10

My DD and her partner always bring wine but I don't expect them to contribute to the food. I love having them here and we see them so rarely. Just having them in our home is a big enough gift. They do help out with chores though but they have no children.

Purpleartichoke · 28/12/2019 17:10

When my parents visit, I host. When we visit them, they host. It balances out.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2019 17:10

5 days is a hell of a long time to provide food and drink for 5 extra people. I’d expect them to bring something, like 2 days’ worth of food for everyone, a big meat joint, the turkey that would last 2 days.5 days! Blimey, did they bring nothing?

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/12/2019 17:12

I don't expect anything when my children come but they visit for less time and are all short of money. As they get more settled financially I'd be happy to ask them to bring something ie the wine/beer/spirits they like as we don't drink much.

Savingforarainyday · 28/12/2019 17:12

It wouldn't occur to me to ask my children to contribute.

Would you not alternate Christmas for this reason?

WhereverIMayRoam · 28/12/2019 17:12

I agree with you. It’s not so much expecting a contribution as though you’re breaking down the cost per person, more that not contributing anything for such a long stay suggests they are thoughtless and taking you for granted.

We have relatives who stay with us a couple of times a year and it’s very much the same. They don’t spend a penny and while we can afford it and we love to see them, an occasional gesture such as picking up a bottle of wine or paying for a takeaway would feel like a “thanks for having us” and an acknowledgement that there is actually a lot of time, effort and expense involved in hosting them for that long.

Peridot1 · 28/12/2019 17:12

Of course they should have contributed. Just rude not to.

My sister and her family are coming to us for NY and staying for three nights - she has just messaged me to say she has done a Sainsbury’s delivery to come tomorrow which will be wine, beer and champagne I’m sure.

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