AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

[Sandygran]

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

PrimalLass I am unhinged because I would always happily have my kids over without expecting them to "contribute" all the time? grin Well, I am not their team mate, I am their mother, I intend to help them out as much as I can, not expect them to pay for their drinks when they visit.

No. Because you keep putting "contribute" in "" for some reason and said my relationship with my mother might be "a bit shit" because I buy a bottle of wine to thank her for feeding us. My mum had me at 16 and we've been through a lot together. As a family we treat events like Christmas dinner as a team effort because we love the planning, cooking and being in the kitchen. That's probably because we are very close, not "a bit shit".

For years my parents did 'treat' us because they were fortunate to have no money worries, but there comes a point when adult children have to be adults. Even when I had two small children I would not have sat around doing nothing and letting them pay for everything.

Having experience of other close family members letting parents do the running around and paying really makes you see how juvenile it is. It's embarrassing - I'm 45 not 14.

Of course I won't resent paying for things if I can afford it and my adult children need help, but if they are well off and just take me for granted once they have some life experience I'll be very disappointed.

The OP feels a little taken unappreciated and that's reasonable.

As a guest you can contribute in the following ways:

• bring wine/cheese/dessert
• bring or send (afterwards) a thank you gift (flowers or chocolate)
• muck in with the food prep/keeping people topped up
• roll up your sleeves and clean and tidy throughout - after dinner, tidy away the gift wrap etc

We go to my mum and dads each Xmas. They never ask for financial or contribution by way of bringing food/drink (although my sister does the spuds) but we always tidy and clear the table and run the hoover around etc. DD is 18 months and my mother’s shadow, so while she’s having a cuddle I’ll run around and do some bits in the mean time. I know it’s always appreciated and it’s a small way to say thank you to them. When we visit each month we take a bottle of champagne and dessert and I do some housework.

My FIL always provided the turkey from the butchers. We always when going to the DCs provide the turkey, wine and bubbly. One DC and his wife always bring wine and flowers. The other DC and his wife never bring anything. If they are staying for five days I would expect some kind of contribution say a meal out together.

It is problematic it does depend on the individuals. OH moans when we go out as a family on birthdays he gets dumped with the whole bill for twelve people. So we have cut back on restaurant get togethers.

@DreamTheMoors oh, your post brought a lump to my throat

My XP came to stay last Christmas. He was with me and my four kids for 9 days.. didn't contribute, didn't lift a finger to help with anything, didn't get me or the kids a present, didn't even bring me a bunch of garage flowers on arrival. Then complained about food - no sprouts, no roast potatoes, what is this red stuff (red cabbage)... I'd bought all the food for 9 days, wine, beer, sweets, biscuits.
I'd bought concert tickets for Christmas the week before, paid for a hotel room and train fares to get there and back. And got nothing in return.
This year it was just me and the kids. I've had the best Christmas ever.
And I'm taking flowers, chocolates and wine to my parents when we visit after new year.

Very strange concept on rudeness being mentioned in this thread.

If you have invited someone to your home, then you are hosting and should expect the guests to bring nothing other than themselves and for great company.

The guests may bring a small gift to the hosts, but even if food or drink should definitely not be consumed during the stay of the guests – as this would be insulting to the hosts. If they brought Christmas presents, this is potentially covered in any case.

If you want to arrange a joint meal where people bring things to consume, so you are not really hosting, then this should all be agreed beforehand - nothing implicit.

Unlike many of the strange responses, It is rude to expect guests to bring food or drink to be consumed, and extremely rude for guests to do so unless agreed in advance.

The pleasure of hosting and having guests company should mean the OP concerns should never occur. If you have a family arrangement then of course it's fine to deviate - but it doesn't sound like there is an agreed arrangement.

We would be devastated if people felt they had to bring food or drink to be consumed when inviting people.

No yanbu, we always offer my dad when we go round for xmas dinner at his, he never accepts but we take alcohol and will make dessert. My inlaws accept money.

I don't take anything to my mums when we go for Xmas. I offer, she says no, and tbh she'd be insulted if I offered to pay / bring much etc as she says, I'm not a guest, it's my home..

But instead, we host my parents coming over to us on another day over the Christmas period, where we provide all the food and drink. My parents don't bring anything when they come to us on that day, so it sorts of evens out a bit.

I would always take something if I was visiting someone else, but I guess with family it is different.

We've just come back from a week at my parent's where we spent Christmas. I gave mum $100 towards food, bought bread and milk as required, cooked dinner one night and bought her flowers as a thankyou.

My in-laws do not help much. They never help clean up. I spend days getting ready and days cleaning up.

This year they did not come ( not sure why, it was first time in years.) I wondered if they were miffed and wanted us to feel bad.(see below)

Joke is on them if that was the case! DH who always puts his foot in his mouth said during their holiday call "this is the best Christmas in years! No work! It is GREAT!"

Oh, well. It really has been a fine, restful Christmas season. DH was correct.

I was very upset last time they came bc they slide in just in time for dinner, eat, then, while I would like to enjoy dessert, their dd goes into the kitchen to pack up MY leftovers for them to take home and so I have choice of making sure she doesn't take everything or resting for first time in hours/days. One year DH was furious that they did not leave him ANY turkey!

I finally said that their arriving just in time to eat and leaving immediately afterwards was not my idea of a family dinner. ...so they decided to not come for Christmas.

I have also decided that those who cannot be bothered to attend do not get my holiday baked treats. Every year they magnanimously say, "oh aunt cat, don't buy anything, we just want your baking...of course, my favorite is blah blah blah." Hours of baking, every year.

No more. When they were young it was nice, but adults should understand that thank you gifts, cards or help are appropriate.

Did I miss the point? I am sorry. I always bring hostess gifts, help with clean ups/ meals, empty loo waste before leaving and often strip the linens and wash them. I also try to not be under foot the entire day.

We try to go out to one meal on our own every day. (Breakfast or lunch usually to give hosts time to have their house back, private conversations, etc.)

If we go to my parents for Christmas, it costs us up to 800€ in flights, plus other travel costs. So no, other than token food gift that we can fit into our luggage, we don’t take anything. My mum wouldn’t take money off us for bed and board - they can afford it and they enjoy spoiling us, we only see them 2-3 times a year. Our contribution is to be good guests - help with cooking / washing up, buy occasional bits at the supermarket, Relax, have fun, chat and enjoy our stay with them.

My sister and her partner usually bring food - but that’s because they live locally and usually cook a meal on Christmas Eve. They don’t bring wine or spirits despite drinking plenty - there’s no point as my parents have it all.

At the heart of it, my mum especially likes to feel she’s “looking after” us all, and she wouldn’t dream of accepting money from us. If we go away on holiday with, that’s different and we all chip in for food. But if they are hosting, they pay for it all.

We don't contribute either in our family. We all cook for each other throughout the year and all of is are doing well financially. It's our family dunamic thst you're always welcome and never complain sbout what you're given (so could be simple food).

It's my pleasure to provide for my daughter and I would not wish her to contribute, her company is enough. She's only 22 but unless I had financial difficulties I cannot perceive this changing. She does help out though and she brings gifts.

Yes they should have brought something wine or a dessert. It is not cheap supermarket shop this time of year.

You need to say something. We had a much happier Christmas this year when we all (adult children with families) took a day to shop and cook and clear up for the crowd, rather than MIL doing it and resenting it. She had to relinquish control of the kitchen but was much happier (and still did Christmas dinner her way). It's been a gradual transition over the years from parents hosting to a more equal contribution, though we would at least have arrived with wine etc to start with!

It is really simple.

To expect anything is crass .

To turn up for Dinner let alone Christmas empty handed , is appalling. I would be so embarrassed to have raised a child to behave in such a thoughtless manner.

For those saying 'my parents would be offended' - then think outside the bloody box for a minute and buy your parents/host a bunch of flowers/chocs/wine/smelly candle .. SOME THING to express your gratitude for the enormous amount of prep, expense and work in the day .
(And no. Looking after young DC is not your free pass to sitting on your arse and letting others do/pay for everything.

Many of us have somehow managed to have kids, work full time AND do Christmas meal.. (my MBE must be in the post )

My family isn’t so big any longer sadly, but back in the days of huge family Christmases everyone contributed something - even if it was just your time helping out, prepping, tidying up, etc. I think your AC was incredibly rude.

If you have invited someone to your home, then you are hosting and should expect the guests to bring nothing other than themselves and for great company.

As a host I don’t expect guests to bring anything. As a guest I would feel it incredibly rude to turn up for a five night stay, even with family, without some wine or chocolates, or at least take my hosts out for a meal.

no wonder it all kicks off about inheritance when you see how some people seem to have a spreadsheet in their head and take note to make sure they are not taken for granted and spend more than someone else, then resent a sibling who spent less that year.

It's not the relationship I have with my own family, and not the one I wish with my children. We don't do things because we are "polite" with each other, but because we are close. Clearly missing from many around here. No wonder so many people actually dread visiting relatives when it's all about obligations, politeness and no joy whatsoever.

My daughter's both asked if they could contribute. I said that I was absolutely happy to provide everything, but if there were any extras they'd like, to bring them. Also any drinks that they'd want (I only have wine and juices, so if they wanted beer, cider or Coke, to bring it.

One daughter appeared with drinks, crisps, home made mince pies and nibbles (she knows I don't tend to buy crisps etc) and the other, on leaving, gave me a box of fancy chocolates as a thank you for hosting and providing.

When my sister was alive, whoever hosted bought the mains, ie the turkey and the other sister would bring the starters and dessert.

This year was with a friend for a Polish Christmas Eve, I brought the Pigs in Blankets and the Prosecco. I was then dish washer stacker and child wrangler.

You should have brought them up with a few more manners. Rude rude rude whether your parents or not!

you sound very grabby, why is that Belly?

When visiting my in laws we take a bottle of wine and flowers. However, my family we do not. My father would be offended. We don't live near either family so we spend up to 3 weeks with my side and a few days on the in law side. This is your daughter and grandchildren. If you don't see them all the time, they are there to see their grandparents, then I would think this is not an issue. Do you want a formal relationship with them or are they your immediate family?

then think outside the bloody box for a minute and buy your parents/host a bunch of flowers/chocs/wine/smelly candle .. SOME THING to express your gratitude for the enormous amount of prep, expense and work in the day

How about just saying thank you, we really appreciate it, where can we help out? Why does an expression of gratitude have to include buying, and handing over some material item? My parents have a housefull of chocolates (which they don’t eat), they drive to France every year to stock up on wine, they have a garden full of flowers and any smelly candles they receive generally sit around unused to become dusty and lose their scent. they don’t need - or want - token gifts.