AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

[Sandygran]

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

I think it depends on a lot of things. When we were younger we never offered to contribute as our parents were much better off. Now we tend to host and no one contributes much - they tend to pop out and buy particular wine or beer they like but we basically provide 95% including meat and that's fine as they have to travel and we can afford it. Bil also did all the washing up which was much appreciated.

I was slightly taken aback though when I had the huge Christmas shop delivered including bottles of Champagne which had been requested and lots of meat and party food as Mil is remarried and her new husband had invited some of his family to come round Boxing day (which is fine they're welcome), anyway when the big shop arrived Mil's new husband said "wow you must have spent £100 on that lot". It was clearly ALOT more expensive than that. Still don't think he meant anything by it.

Horses for courses. If you go to stay with them next year, do you contribute?

We’ve just had my family here. They brought drinks, cheeseboard, champagne and Christmas cake! And we do similar when we go to them for Christmas. They stayed four days.

I depends on the dynamics. I used to take wine to my parents but don't nowadays as I have to travel to see them which costs more and is more hassle for me compared with hosting. I therefore stopped contributing. If they want me to buy food and/or cook they can visit me.

My parents cake and brought food (pre agreed who was bringing what) and I brought cider for DC and asked them to bring whatever else they wanted to drink.

They have only recently moved out and are skint bless em.

*came

Hmm when my kids were young my Mum just provided everything. I think I said 'can I bring anything?' and she just said not to' Now my kids are adults we have just visited my Mum and I paid for travel, nearly all food and a theatre trip for 7.

It depends on relative wealth etc. Maybe next year say something like 'I'll provide food if you provide drinks/take us out on Boxing Day etc...'

We don’t contribute when we visit my parents for Christmas Day, neither do either of my siblings with their families but we do all host everyone at some point over the holidays. 1 for a pre-Christmas PJ party, parents do Christmas Day, 1 Boxing Day and 1 New Year’s Day so it all averages out over the course of the festivities.

It really depends on your family dynamics. Some people don't contribute but take turns hosting. We always take loads for the host, be it DM, DSis ir our adult DC.

"For 5 guests? For 5 days? No contribution at all?"

Some people are just takers.

I can't believe that a family of 5 would turn up for 5 days and contribute literally nothing.

Think it depends on your respective personal finances. We contributed £100 to my parents (which definitely more than covered our bit) but we have a lot more disposable income than they do (they’re both retired). Besides, they’d made the big effort of making the house look amazing, doing up the bedrooms nicely, cooking the dinner etc. I don’t think it should be expected, but I’d feel weird not contributing given that we can easily afford to.

Myself, dh and dc, my siblings and their partners go to my parents house for Xmas every year. They have the biggest house with most space. I usually do all the shopping online and it is spilt equally between us. It’s not fair for my parents to have to pay for everyone.

We just stayed at my parents for four nights (me, DH, three DC and a baby)
We took all the soft drinks, nibbles, some wine and chocolates. I didn’t feel that was enough! So yes should defo contribute

Wow! Lots of opinions. Thanks all. It seems that the grans are the ones who are mostly saying they wouldn't want a contribution and the daughters are the ones saying they would always contribute.
To those wondering if I asked in advance - no I didn't. We are not hard up and I wouldn't like them to feel they had to contribute. They do travel a long distance and I appreciate that is expensive. It wouldn't be practical for them to bring food as the car is always packed full.
As a few of you have commented, it's more about feeling appreciated - a bottle of champagne or a bunch of flowers would have been lovely!
When we stay at theirs, I always pay for items when we go shopping (especially if it's something that they wouldn't normally get) and we always take them out for at least one meal.

I think it definitely depends on relative wealth. When we were young adults, with rich boomer parents we contributed nothing (we don't drink much wine anyway) but did do the washing up and offer help round the kitchen. Now we're older and better off it's our turn to host and don't ask for anything although people tend to bring wine/chocolates/cheese board.

On the other hand DH's uncle tends to host his side of the family every year due to his being the best geographical location and the fact he has a big enough dining table. He isn't at all well off and he'd have to save all year to pay for Christmas which would be unfair (even the additional bills with the guests staying is significant for him). They have a family email about what is needed - everyone brings different things and they split the cost of the big shop. The uncle is left with various leftovers, wine, coffee, crisps etc which is his bonus for hosting. Everyone is happy with that arrangement.

I think it is polite to ask what you can contribute and even if the answer is ‘nothing’ surely you take wine/flowers or chocolates?

My 86 year old DM cooked Christmas lunch this year, I asked her what she would like me to bring and she said ‘just the brandy butter’, I made some and also took boxes of her favourite chocolates. It’s not always about the cost ( my DPs gift to me was an extremely generous cheque, plus all the leftovers to take home ) but just showing thanks and appreciation.

We always bring our own drink to my parents as well as baileys and creme de menthe. I brought a few cheeses,chutney,crackers and did all the washing up after dinner - I in return am having everyone round tomorrow night (although anless fancy affair more of a Buffett) I think it all works out

I think the point about them living some distance away is relevant.
It costs me a fair bit to go and see my parents, if they also expected me to contribute towards food/drink etc during our stay, this would definitely factor into how frequently I chose to go and see them.

The reverse applies as well - I wouldn't expect my parents to contribute anything if they visited me. So surely it evens out?

OP your right. 5 days for 5 extra people, and not even a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates from them. I’d be ashamed if I done this to my mother.

Worst in my view is their utter laziness not helping you with cooking or clearing up after each meal you cooked for them.
What do they do in their house not eat as it’s seemingly takes 2 adults to watch their children ha ha.

You’ll have had to sort out linen for extra beds give the rooms a tidy dust vacuum etc. Then sort them once they’ve gone.
I’m all for giving our adult children a bit of a rest but this amount of time is taking the proverbial.
Say something next year plz especially with helping, where did you get a rest over the time they were here?

I think that's the norm - in laws (pil / sil) didn't contribute for 6 day stay, we provided everything including specific food items for "dietary requirements" It is rude and it pissed me off so much so I won't be opening my fridge again to them!!

Did they strip the beds or anything

We went to my sisters for Christmas dinner. I provided all the dessert of which there was a good selection and lots of savoury nibbles. We also took lots of soft and alcoholic drinks.
I always take a contribution to family meals/bbqs whenever I go.
Your daughter would have been rude for not contributing to one meal never mind 5 days worth of food and drink! I would have brought stuff with me and given an amount of cash on day 1 or paid for shopping if any was done while I was there.

Oh and between 3 siblings and 3 partners with multiple kids we all took turns in looking after the children, stacking dishwasher, laying table etc. We have lots of get togethers and we always work it like this.

My DM wouldn’t allow us to contribute, but equally I would expect to take her for a meal out, or pay for coffees/pub drinks after a Boxing Day walk, or something if I was there for five days (I know I’d have to argue the case though, she wouldn’t want to accept it).

We hosted this year and provided everything, and we were happy to do so. Part of the enjoyment of planning a Christmas meal for me is buying lots of nice things for people to try. If my family turned up with a load of stuff too I would feel that they didn’t trust me to put on a good enough spread without parental input (I’m in my 40s). They can always treat me via my Christmas presents if they want to give me something.

As a mum I guess it just wouldn’t occur to me to expect my children, regardless of age, to treat me as anything but mum. So it’s their home where I provide for them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My inlaws stayed for four nights over Xmas and gave us £100 towards food, as well as bringing up booze and a tin of chocolates etc. When I nipped to the supermarket yesterday for a top up of milk and bread etc my MIL also insisted on paying for that (£10). TBH £100 didn’t really make much of a dent as the turkey on its own was £70 but it was still much appreciated.

I went to my mum's with my 5yr old and I bought all the food except the turkey and any extras others may want. From sprouts, to bacon, double cream, biscuits for cheese, large bottle of navy rum, baileys, cola, - the lot. I always do.

My mum cooks (I peel & prepare veg) so it's the least I can do. I enjoy it too. I also clear up after.

Gobsmacked at your daughter & BIL's CF,ery to be perfectly honest!!