AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

[Sandygran]

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

We have just been to my mum’s for 4 days. We some some bits and pieces, some beer, all veggie main courses and Boxing Day dinner. I tried to make a £££ contribution, but DM waved it away, and pointed out that we’d driven 6 hours and put fuel in the van to get there, and that was quite enough.

I hosted my parents and in laws. Mum provided a few vegetable sides and the cake. In laws did the cheeseboard.

I have always contributed to Christmas, since I moved out of home. Before then I would help make it.

Is this the norm for them?
Context is everything here. It was 5 days not one night, with 3 small children and you day they are well off.
Did they bring any gifts at all??!
I think they could have treated you to a lunch out to say thanks.
If you don't pull them up on it though then don't be surprised if they do it again.

I don't think you're unreasonable. Even just a bottle of wine.
For years we hosted my parents and parents in law. Mine would bring mince pies, a pudding, etc, but never anything from in-laws. Then when fil died, mil would spend up to to three weeks at ours over Christmas. She was a fussy eater, expecting meat and pudding every day (I'm veggie). Never contributed a thing. It really pissed me off. I put my foot down eventually, over both the length of the visit and the cost. My dad was disgusted by her behaviour. She also had form for never tipping in a restaurant and moaning loudly about the cost of items. Extremely rude and tight in my opinion.

I wouldn't take or pay for anything if I stayed at my parents, although occasionally mum will ask me to pick something up if I'm on my way over and passing the shop. I would help out with clearing up etc.
Equally I wouldn't expect them to bring or pay for anything at mine, although my mum does always bring the brandy butter & meringues for Christmas.
But then none of us have any problems with covering the costs. If we did it would be a different matter, I'd either take things, take them out or host them more.

We are another family where all prep is shared. Everyone brings a couple of dishes and drinks and nibbles.
This means the host family does not have the financial brunt of the day.

Fuck sake I give up.

This was FOR FIVE DAYS, with the DAUGHTER, SON IN LAW AND 3 CHILDREN. Who brought nothing.

Those who are saying they'd bring fuck all "cos it's family", and they "wouldn't expect anything" or "should have asked".

You're frankly MEAN and UNGRATEFUL and have NO MANNERS.

Jesus!

I brought multiple cheese and crackers and wine but we ended up with too much as my mum and dad hadn't expected it and had provided everything. Obviously it depends on the individual family and circumstances, where they are travelling from etc. Just ask if you want them to contribute, it's no big deal. If my dad had asked me to provide turkey, carrots, potatoes I'd have happily brought them.

5 people for 5 nights and they didn't so much as bring or buy a bottle of wine?

I could never go to anyone’s house empty handed. Even if my parents invite me for tea on a week night I take wine or desert.

They raised me right😊

DM would have thought I'd gone mad if I took food round to her house!

I'm buying some stuff in my weekly shop for her tomorrow but would never occur to be to take anything and she wouldn't expect anything.

I had 3 under 6 and would have found being at home much easier...

For 5 nights, I would definitely be expecting them to share in the cooking and clearing away and to have bought at least a few bottles of wine.

However I do agree with pp's that it costs guests to travel and having to pay eg train fares + chip in for food can turn expensive. And it's a family visit, that benefits everyone spending time together rather than them turning up for an inconvenient holiday at your expense.

So token contribution but sharing the work seems a fair exchange to me.

Only someone extremely mean or dragged up, would think it appropriate to stay anywhere for 5 days with their husband and children and neither contribute nor help out.

I would be mortified if a child of mine behaved like that.

As a mother herself, your daughter should know only too bloody well whats involved with looking after and catering for that many people.

She sounds like a rude, ungrateful pup!

Forgot to mention lazy.
Both herself and her husband must be extremely lazy to watch you do all that OP.

You mentioned they travel a long distance. While I normally always bring a host/hostess gift and help with set up and clean up, when DH and I lived far away we never brought anything as we were unable. We were knackered from travel (three hour time difference) and had spent quite a lot on the trip. I’m sure I was a bit of a rubbish houseguest, although I did try. It happens on occasion, and if they’re usually lovely I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Oops, just saw the three small children bit. That’s a lot of extra work and cooking for you, OP. I guess I can kind of understand them being busy with the little ones, but I’d be sending a lovely card/flowers thanking you for having us as soon as I got home. Normally in this case I send the flowers ahead, though, so they can be displayed/enjoyed during the holiday. Have to agree they could’ve tried harder.

Erm. I stayed with my Mum and Dad over Christmas for two days with DH and 2 DDs (1 1/2 and nearly 5) and I didn't contribute a thing. Have just realised what a crashingly rude twat that makes me. I love my Mum and Dad to bits. Will be sending something significant to say thank you.

I think it depends tbh - for a 5 day visit, definitely offer something but not necessarily just for a lunch. As you said it didn't occur to you til after - maybe it didn't to them either?
I'm single and went home for Christmas this year to my parents. I didn't take anything although that's probably because I view going there as going home, rather than being a guest somewhere, if that makes sense? Also I know without a doubt my parents wouldn't accept any contribution off me - mam was asking what I wanted bought in and then refused any money when I offered.
5 days, two adults and children, is a bit different to one person for 2 days though!

I think charging for Xmas lunch can depend, too. A close friend went to her partners family for Christmas this year. Close friend is veggie and has been since we were 14, partners family has asked for 40 pounds each off everyone for lunch! Considering that they won't make anything special for friend - just the roasties, veg, gravy etc - and that friend will take the wine and beers and other family members take dessert / cheese / etc, that's a bit cheeky I thought (so does friend although she won't say anything and will stump up the 40 quid)

AIBU? I’ve been with my partner 25 years on an off, during our off times we both had children with other people! Now we are officially back together and living with his youngest who is 13. (My dd is 21 and lives by herself) so my 13 yo stepdaughter got herself into trouble as she was sneaking off to meet boys, arranging to fight a girl at the park and lying every step of the way, well I grounded her and took away her iPhone, her phone was put on the shelf in the walk-in cupboard. Ff a couple of weeks and partner decided to decorate, everything on the shelves in said cupboard was thrown in the kids room in a big pile on the floor, now it can’t be found! Stepdaughter been moaning to her dad and now her mum is calling my partner saying I should replace the phone! Stepdaughter isn’t without phone she is using her old iPhone. So AIBU by saying no I won’t replace the lost phone?

Well that’s embarrassing!! My post wasn’t meant to be in your comments... 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

As a family we don't bring stuff to each others houses if we're invited for dinner bbq whatever but we generally bring the alcohol we want even though there's always some on offer. Staying for so long without contributing is a bit rude though even at your moms. We didn't go but this year's invite to xmas dinner at pils included us being in charge of the alcohol for everyone, Sil in charge of pudding

I think they should definitely have brought flowers or champagne as a gesture but not contribute no. They had the expense of travelling and will no doubt provide for you when you go there. It usually swings on roundabouts and parents like to help out. Unless you are hard up and then would be different.

I wonder if you might get thank you flowers sent? Do you take flowers to her house?

Once I was earning properly, post graduation, I always contributed towards Christmas - usually buying turkey. I stayed at my Mum’s for a couple of nights over Christmas and whilst she was chief organiser and cook I very much did my share of preparing, table laying dishwasher etc. I never earned nearly as much as her. All this was in addition to presents.

Now my Dad comes to stay from away, he made a generous £ contribution to presents but nothing else, no gift of any sort for me - so I had nothing to open on Christmas Day. He stayed 2 nights and drank 2 very nice bottles of wine. He didn’t clear a cup to the dishwasher or even make himself a hot drink. He didn’t even think to ask if the things he had paid for needing wrapping or setting up. When he left he had left his wet towels on top of the duvet on his unmade bed. His pension is far more than my wage and I’m a single parent with 2 children to support. If he’d have stayed in a hotel he would have least have had the decency to leave a tip!

@StepAwayFromGoogle - all families are different, but if you can afford it, it would be a good thing to thank them with something, or even a card to say we 'we had a lovely time and really appreciated it'.

@Wiaa - that seems a little unbalanced .. is that why you didn't go?