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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
Pixxie7 · 28/12/2019 23:58

If you could afford it I don’t see the harm but if money is tight they should at least have offered.

Ledkr · 29/12/2019 08:24

There are other threads on this and it's a mixed response so I wonder if it very much depends on your income?
We are very average earners (public sector) and after the expense of buying presents for 5 kids and all the extra food and Xmas activities, I am skint. So feeding a lot of extra mouths for a long period of time would be tricky. Also you tend to do nice meals too for guests don't you? Not a bowl of Weetabix and a freezer dinner? So it works out expensive .
I started a watsap group this year with my ac and we agreed what contribution they would make to the day which worked well.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 29/12/2019 08:41

@bbcessex - I will. It has honestly never occurred to me which just makes me realise how much I take them for granted.

CherryPavlova · 29/12/2019 09:01

AhNowTed I think it a bit odd you are judging others so harshly. It’s normal and acceptable for many families to just arrive. Life’s complicated enough with three little ones without fretting about whether the grandparents expect a box of marzipan fruit.

StepAwayFromGoogle I wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe like us, your parents have no expectations of someone arriving after finishing late with armfuls of contributions. Maybe the joy of your presence is sufficient. My children would willingly bring things if asked but it’s usually only if I text to say pick up some sour cream or something. We speak most days so no need for cards etc either. I wouldn’t particularly want to make a more formal guest/host relationship with them.
Different families have different ‘rules’.

I would expect offers of help though. Or rather I’d expect them just to join in preparation and clearing or other household chores without being asked.

20viona · 29/12/2019 09:09

We went to my parents and I made the dessert and some sides to the main meal. Im certain my mum would never expect that of me. My MIL always brings shit things to mine when I host and I wish she wouldn't bother, ie some chocolates she was given 3 months ago etc.

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 09:48

FFS it's Christmas, all this "contributing", and making sure you pay your way, it's so depressing.

no wonder we see articles in the trash press about families physically charging their "guests" for a Christmas meal. How do people get so horrible, entitled and money-grabbing?

Most normal families don't visit each other in exchange for money or goods, aren't you happy to see each other? You visit parents for Christmas, they stay with you in the summer, do you really to count every expense and make sure you are even?

It's not about taking anyone for granted, but why does it have to be about money? You are there, presumable you give them a decent gift for Christmas, you help out if you are not stuck with babies, you take them for diner if it works for both.

I would feel like an absolute failure to my kids if they had to make a budget on how much they have to spend when they visit us. You help out each other because you are family, not to be "polite".

People on MN really are depressing.

BlouseAndSkirt · 29/12/2019 09:58

FairyTale my sibling hosts because if space. 17 people for 3 massive meals. Top quality free range turkey / prime rib of beef/ quality sausages / seafood / desserts / good wine, sparkling, desert wine / good cheeses ... the cost is VAST. It is important for us to be together so we contribute. Joyfully. It is not depressing.

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 10:01

We don’t expect anything. Our adult children brought wine, gin and flowers but all we wanted was the joy of their company.

Mummyshark2018 · 29/12/2019 10:06

I would never go to someone's house and not offer to bring something. Even if the host says no thanks I would always bring wine/ flowers/ chocolates and take them out.

I hosted Xmas for the in laws, so 8 adults and 3 kids in total. My FIL and his partner never offered to contribute towards food and didn't bring anything either. My SIL did offer to bring meat or pay a contribution but I wanted to buy and cook myself so I knew what I had. I also didn't want to take money as that feels crass to me when it's your home. If I'm hosting I don't want anything from anyone and am happy to pay for it. If money was an issue I wouldn't offer to do it.

NewName73 · 29/12/2019 10:07

I wonder if it very much depends on your income?

No, it depends on whether you were brought up to have good manners.

I will always take a present for someone who is hosting me - whether they are related to me or not.

At Christmas even more so because I know how much work goes into the preparations, my parents are elderly now and love hosting us and all being together but we do try and make it a bit of a joint effort - same if they come to us, they will always bring a contribution to the food and drink.

It's about sharing the work, rather than the costs.

snowball28 · 29/12/2019 10:16

I hosted for everyone this year and told people I didn’t want any money etc but still people came with wine, cheeses, dessert stuff, flowers and some money in envelopes for me. I totally wasn’t expecting it but it was nice to know they appreciated me and my efforts. My mum always said no to money or contributions so I’d just give her money by force lol and take some extra bits for her

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:19

my sibling hosts because if space.

but it's not the same as "contributing" then, is it? You SHARE a family gathering, they happen to host it, but you share everything else. It's not the same mindset.

If I invite anyone, I don't expect them to pay their way. I am not a B&B. If we were organising a joint party, then yes, we would share the cost.

I sincerely hope I am not raising my kids in the same grabby way than so many posters I can see on here .

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:21

No, it depends on whether you were brought up to have good manners.
when you think that your guests should "contribute" to be polite, it's the opposite of good manners. It's quite sad actually.

Singlebutmarried · 29/12/2019 10:23

We always take something with us.

If it’s going to MILs we usually take the lot as she can’t be bothered to provide even a cup of coffee.

Have said we’re not doing it again, I’ll happily cook in my own house, but I’m not carting the gubbins for 14 people over to MILs and having the pleasure of her being rude as and refusing to speak to anyone but her youngest son.

Next year my house, my rules and if she feels the need to be insulting she can bugger off back home.

ThePlantsitter · 29/12/2019 10:29

During my year at uni I came home for a weekend with a box of chocs or something because my housemate had told me it was rude to do otherwise. My mum cried because I'd gone all stuck up and stranger-like. So family norms are what's important here.

MRex · 29/12/2019 10:34

It's about sharing the work, rather than the costs.

It's really just about how your family does things. Bringing food helps with cost, not work. Clearing up, prepping veg or meat, setting tables, cleaning bathrooms etc is what helps with the work. It's fine to get a financial contribution if that works best for your family, but where that isn't needed some hosts don't want it. What's best is to find out and do whatever the host actually wants; when it's my family we do stuff to help but bring nothing, while at DH's family we bring a dish but don't help apart from a bit of clearing up of mess into the kitchen. I don't want DP nor DPIL nor any other guest to give me money for events at our house. I let DH's family bring dishes to mine, my family help cook / clear up, DH's DC's wife clears up too instead of bringing a dish because that's her family norm. Everyone's happy.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2019 10:36

Fairytale, I agree.

We hosted friends this year and when I offered the invite it was because we wanted their company not their money. When my children leave home they can return at any point as this will remain their home and I don’t expect them to pay for that as they are my children.

An invite shouldn’t cost people to attend. It’s like weddings and birthday celebrations, most invites now expect guests to pay dressed up as a gift etc.

Mustbetimeforachange · 29/12/2019 11:35

I don't think you should be charging or expecting anything, but it's polite to offer. It was a tradition with us that my parents got the turkey. Any polite visitor would bring a box of chocolates or wine, or offer to make a dessert/provide a cheese board, or SOMETHING. If you don't want them to you can always say no, but it's polite to offer.

OhTheRoses · 29/12/2019 11:43

In my experience people split fairly equally into givers and takers.

I have hosted Christmas for 30 years and ILs, now just MIL have come for 30 years. Never, ever has anything been brought or offered not even help with the washing up. Her dd's are the same. MIL however if we were to visit her would never expect anything to be taken but happily receives the flowers, chocolates, wine, etc., but would still be stretching a lb of mince around six and fil was known to pour four small glasses of wine and put the bottle back on the sideboard saying "ee there's enough left for tomorrow" before MIL started counting potatoes to make sure everyone had the same.

My side however, would bring wine, chocolates, flowers, etc, and help (they laugh and have a good time too).

SerenDippitty · 29/12/2019 11:49

I honestly don’t get why, if someone is hosting you for Christmas, it wouldn’t occur to you to take a few bottles of wine at least.

ClumsyFool · 29/12/2019 11:54

My parents would never expect a contribution but I would always bring something. I had Christmas dinner and a Boxing Day buffet at my parents so bought a couple of bottles of alcohol and some food for the buffet too.

BlouseAndSkirt · 29/12/2019 12:05

family norms are what's important here

Indeed.

And the whole spirit and context.

Splitting the Sainsbury’s bill and demanding a per head amount (with deductions for those who don’t drink and a surcharge for gluten free mince pies) and a family all chipping in in different ways to spread the load over a 3 day feast, or taking wine and flowers as a gift for a host for a meal are very different things.

73Sunglasslover · 29/12/2019 12:12

Do you take things when you stay at theirs?

SpiderHunter · 29/12/2019 12:28

No, it depends on whether you were brought up to have good manners.

I disagree wholeheartedly with this. DM hosts Christmas every year. She provides food, we all bring alcohol and some treats - apart from one sister and BIL who come to stay for over a week and bring literally nothing. It isn't always about upbringing (we were all treated the same) sometimes it is just thoughtlessness. They have money so have no idea that DM simply could not afford to provide everything.

Kiehlingmesoftly · 29/12/2019 12:52

We've hosted PILs and BIL for Christmas while they stayed at an Airbnb 5 min away. We covered every meal (for 7) every day other than christmas eve and a cafe lunch on boxing day. No suggestion from anyone that they contribute. MIL kept going on about the crate of wine they brought with them which it appears they've taken back with them Crown Hmm I wouldn't normally mind except that we seem to have covered all the same costs we do when we visit them for Christmas every year, and we'd agreed not to travel this year since we are broke (MIL knows this).

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