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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

331 replies

Sandygran · 28/12/2019 16:37

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 29/12/2019 12:53

I honestly don’t get why, if someone is hosting you for Christmas, it wouldn’t occur to you to take a few bottles of wine at least.

there have been quite a few reasons posted on this thread ... perhaps go and read them?

NewName73 · 29/12/2019 13:05

It is NOT about the money.

It IS about good manners.

I would never dream of turning up at someone else's celebration without bringing a token of my appreciation of the work they had done for it, unless there was some very good reason why I couldn't.

I would also offer to pitch in and help - but mindful of the fact that some people prefer to get on with things themselves, I would not force myself on them!

Good manners are about showing consideration for other people.

Kiehlingmesoftly · 29/12/2019 13:16

Good manners are about showing consideration for other people

So so true!!

brassbrass · 29/12/2019 13:19

But she is your daughter. Why doesn't she know better. Did you never talk about this stuff growing up?

chocolatefudgecake17 · 29/12/2019 13:33

My mums brother, his wife and 2 adult daughters came to us one Christmas. They announced the minute they arrived that they had forgotten the wine.

Sometime throughout the day they decided they'd stay over, so they drove home to feed the dogs(over an hours drive) and came back. Again without the wine.

They are and drank like they were on an all inclusive holiday. Asked for a fry for breakfast the next morning. The 2 daughters asked me to cut their hair(I'm a hairdresser) no payment offeredConfused then they suggested a Chinese for tea that evening and let my parents pay! They ordered a ton of food. Cheeky greedy fuckers. We never invited them again. For anything.

PeapodBurgundy · 29/12/2019 17:31

I think if you needed a contribution, you should have agreed this in advance. I agree with the majority though, that it's odd to have turned up empty handed. We spent the day at DM's on 27th with the extended family (myself, DP and 2 DC), and I took three cakes and a few bottles of soft drinks. I'd not have turned up with nothing to contribute however long we were staying unless it wasn't over a mealtime.

PrimalLass · 29/12/2019 17:38

It's about having the manners to realise that turning up without even a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers is really rude.

nuxe1984 · 29/12/2019 17:39

Moving forward, if you host again next year, speak to your DD in advance and say something along the lines of "planning the Christmas food and want to sort out/delegate items". Then ask her if they can bring alcohol, cheeseboard, nibbles - whatever suits and can be transported.

I spent Christmas Day with my DD and family and took lots of alcohol for everyone, made a Yule Log, mince pies, the bread sauce and stuffing (these were her requests as she prefers mine to hers!).

So not only shared the cost but also the cooking.

Pintsizedblondie197 · 29/12/2019 17:39

They should have definitely made a contribution by either bringing food/alcohol with them; offered some money towards costs or took you out one night. We had my fiance's mum and step dad for Christmas Day, I picked them up and we fed them three courses and they didn't bring anything with them at all to say thanks which I thought was incredibly rude.

PrimalLass · 29/12/2019 17:44

I would feel like an absolute failure to my kids if they had to make a budget on how much they have to spend when they visit us. You help out each other because you are family, not to be "polite"

I'd feel an absolute failure to mine if they turned up and took the piss for 5 days without lifting a finger or bringing a bottle or six.

PrimalLass · 29/12/2019 17:50

when you think that your guests should "contribute" to be polite, it's the opposite of good manners. It's quite sad actually.

It's not about contributing exactly. It's about appreciating your host. If we are at my mum's for even a non-Christmas dinner she will have gone to effort and expense. So I will bring a bottle of wine, which says 'thank you, I appreciate you'.

timeaftertime79 · 29/12/2019 18:07

If it didn’t occur to you until after then it couldn’t of made a huge difference to you. I would just enjoy the company, not everyone has family to be around at Christmas. Yes it is always polite to bring something but maybe as it did with you, it just didn’t occur to them at the time.

timeaftertime79 · 29/12/2019 18:07

*didn't with you

Suzypoo10 · 29/12/2019 18:23

My adult son came to stay for five days over Christmas, he didn’t contribute anything, and I didn’t expect him to. He did however do all the cooking, which gave me a really relaxing break.

pavlovarules · 29/12/2019 18:30

My PIL rolled up on xmas morning, stayed overnight and for lunch on Boxing Day. They didn't bring so much as a bottle of wine and didn't lift a finger to help. On the other hand, my DM was unwell on Xmas day but joined us for a cup of tea later in the day. She had already made us two Christmas puddings, chocolate truffles and brought some after dinner mints. She also provided crackers and gave me a bottle of prosecco that she'd been given but doesn't drink. My DB & family came for the day on Boxing Day, brought homemade sausage rolls and two different desserts and SIL helped with clearing up after lunch. I will be using my family as an example to DC's of good guests!

Travellingmamma · 29/12/2019 18:37

We’ve been with family for 5 days, bought some drinks and one meal and token biscuits/sweets and helped clean up, wash dishes etc but that’s it! My parents bought enough food and drink to feed everyone well into January and would feel like I was saying they were doing something wrong if I rocked up with all my own stuff for the week. We don’t see each other as much as we’d like and I pay for everything when they come to stay with us. Off to show DM this thread to see if she secretly resents us eating the masses of food they bought for us...

expatinspain · 29/12/2019 18:37

Well, yes they should have brought things with them, but equally you could have been direct before Xmas and allocated them some bits to bring. They're your kids, not your acquaintances and you should feel comfortable asking them to bring provisions. It's no good being put out after the event and it becoming a 'thing'. Lesson learnt for next year.

thesunhasgothishatontoday · 29/12/2019 18:49

I would have brought or bought contributions to the meal etc.
Recently split from long term DP but on the odd occasions we did Christmas at his sisters I'd make the soup and make a huge trifle. Also bring champagne and desert wine. Whenever we hosted (which was about 90% of the time) they never ever brought anything. They are very wealthy- now we know why 😂. They also never offered any help with clearing up not even taking plates to the kitchen.
I always found them very rude. Definitely won't miss having to put up with their shit anymore 😂

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 29/12/2019 18:53

We automatically contribute whoever’s house we’re going to (2 adults, 3 children here). I would say in this circumstance it’s an oversight, as they were probably so grateful and excited to be hosted? It would be to me anyway, but I would bring something or offer to help, even if you turn the offers down, I agree going forward if you were to do this again, ask them to bring drinks or dessert or something, to contribute.

Lippy1234 · 29/12/2019 18:58

When my adult DC stay with us they don’t contribute anything towards the food or alcohol. I wouldn’t expect them too.
They are very good at buying thoughtful gifts which is very much appreciated.

Gilld69 · 29/12/2019 19:00

we do it every year and i say they could at least offer to bring something along or help tidy up afterwards but they dont and we still do it again the next year the joys of parenthood x

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 29/12/2019 19:01

Since we have as kids we host Christmas. This is because my parents house is too small to accommodate us, in laws and whom ever else my MIL chooses to invite. And in laws 100% will not accept alternative years without causing unbelievable upset for my husband. We went to my family one year and it was awful for months. They are arseholes.
My parents offer to contribute so will bring drinks or one year paid for the turkey. In laws never offer, don’t help with clearing up or washing up. Complain about the kids being too noisy. They invite at least 4 extra people without consulting us so consume more. Never offer. Even try to dictate what I should cook.
I hate it, I haven’t enjoyed a Christmas since I had kids because of the in laws. I know they are rude so I don’t expect anything. I just suck it up as they are my husbands family. There are siblings but they are estranged. Which I completely understand. But my husband is a very lovely and kind man who refuses to turn his back on his parents, which I have to begrudgingly admire.
Christmas brings out the weirdness in families. I now enjoy Boxing Day more as we get the house to ourselves and can relax at last.
If it upsets you op don’t have them stay so long next year so you can enjoy some of the holiday without feeling taken advantage of. Hopefully they don’t realise they are being rude and think if you wanted a contribution you would ask.
We have asked i laws to bring cheese or mince pies, something but they never do. So we’ve learnt not to rely on them bringing anything. Some of their guests have been great. Some awful. I’ve accepted that this is it for the next few years and then we can enjoy Christmas abroad with the kids.

Roxy9176 · 29/12/2019 19:16

My mum doesn’t expect anything but I think it the right thing to do to take a contribution. My grandma was staying with her for a couple of days over Christmas and paid for the Turkey and we went for Christmas dinner and contributed two quite nice bottles of wine 😀

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 19:34

I'd feel an absolute failure to mine if they turned up and took the piss for 5 days without lifting a finger or bringing a bottle or six.

so you only accept to host the kids that can afford to "contribute" and not the one who is currently struggling financially? Charming, very MN though. Grin

If you bring the same generic "gift" you would take to a neighbour you hardly know, it sounds like your relationship is a bit shit frankly.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 29/12/2019 19:46

Rude

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