AIBU to expect AC to contribute to xmas?

[Sandygran]

We've just had my adult daughter, her husband and 3 children staying for 5 nights over Christmas.
We provided all the food and drink for all of us for every meal, including the Christmas dinner of course. They were welcome to it and it was lovely to have them. It wasn't until they had gone that I thought "Gosh, when we used to say with my in-laws when our kids were young, we would provide the turkey and take drinks with us and we only stayed one night!"
Have times changed or should they have made a contribution or at least offered to take us out for a meal one night? (They are well off btw , and could easily afford to contribute).

I think it's rude and I would spend this year addressing it; just talking about always turning up with something.

We tend to rotate hosting for Christmas in my family and it would always end up being a joint affair.

Outside of Christmas my family and I visit my mum on average once a fortnight. If she cooks us dinner then we bring contributions and always take her out for lunch the next day. We often come and cook for her.

It's not about manners it's about family upbringing/tradition so some of you can pack that crap right in, you're not better than anyone.

My grandparents used to host Christmas for one and all and we would offer to contribute and they would outrightly refuse. It was something they did for the family once a year and they revelled in it. It was practically offensive to bring anything other than a box of chocolates.

We are the same. We are hosting and all we want is the company of our family, we want nothing else.

My dad buys the turkey but he absolutely insists due to the sheer numbers/cost and mum insists on bringing a bottle of Asti as it's her favourite (we don't touch the stuff) but we buy everything else and are happy to do so as it's a rarity that we're all together and are conscious we won't always be.

YABVU. If you don't want the cost, dont host.

This makes me feel guilty.

Yes - they should’ve contributed or reciprocated in some way to show their appreciation.

We used to go home for Christmas and stay several nights at both sides of our parents. They lived on opposite sides of the country & we lived in the middle.

It was home. It didn’t occur to my DH & me to contribute until my mum said to me privately that she couldn’t afford all the food and drink.

After that, we bought groceries on every trip and shared the burden.

I miss my mum. She died two years ago. I wish I could spend just another afternoon with her.

I think they should be contributing and you shouldn't have to ask or suggest that they do!

I go to my mum's for Christmas and we never show up empty handed.

On Christmas Eve we hosted my family for nibbles and drinks. On Christmas day, we cooked a starter, main and dessert to take along and left half of it all behind with the other boxing day leftovers. We also took wine and a bottle of gin which was for everyone to drink.

I'd never dream of letting my mum pay for, and cook, everything on her own!

I honestly don’t get why, if someone is hosting you for Christmas, it wouldn’t occur to you to take a few bottles of wine at least.

My mum doesn’t drink alcohol, always has enough food to feed hundreds and isn’t interested in flowers. In our family the delight is in seeing people; not what they bring.

And conversely, I don’t drink alcohol, usually have enough food in for guests (and can afford to buy more if needed) and don’t like flowers. So I prefer not to get token gifts.

Amummyatlast - wow passive aggressive much😂😂

Every family is different- but we see Christmas dinner as a family meal, prepared by the family for the family. I wouldn’t want one member left with he burden of three courses, plus drinks and children’s options etc etc. Also the prep is exhausting, Christmas Day should be spent enjoying g each other’s company. Therefore someone arriving at the door with a course for the meal is amazing.

Manners are also very Important in my family - arriving at anyone’s door empty handed is rude. A hostess gift is the minimum you should bring.

so you only accept to host the kids that can afford to "contribute" and not the one who is currently struggling financially? Charming, very MN though. grin If you bring the same generic "gift" you would take to a neighbour you hardly know, it sounds like your relationship is a bit shit frankly.

I'd expect them to at least help, not rock up then never lift a finger. And my mum is my best friend so no, the relationship is not "a bit shit, frankly". I really appreciate her for a million reasons and would never just arrive with my family and expect her to do and pay for everything. We are a team.

Again, it's not "contributing". It's showing that you don't take someone's kindness and effort for granted.

You sound unhinged.

It's not about manners it's about family upbringing/tradition so some of you can pack that crap right in, you're not better than anyone. I agree with you on this. Presumably everyone is bringing gifts and not turning up empty handed anyway. Every family dynamic is different. I haven’t done Xmas with my mum for years due to a bad relationship with her, but I remember the minefield of always bringing the wrong thing or not enough etc. The wine wasn’t expensive enough, they had too much of some other thing etc etc. In the end she gave everyone coming a list of stuff to bring (then moaned that it wasn’t ‘the right brand’) which was easier. My grandparents and great grandparents never wanted anyone to bring anything when I was growing up and catered the whole thing.

No wondered they stayed so long, you were running a full board hotel for them. Of course they should have offered to contribute to the cost at least for the Christmas meal if nothing else. Think twice for next time.

It's not about manners it's about family upbringing/tradition so some of you can pack that crap right in, you're not better than anyone

Also agree. My parents would be extremely offended if I turned up at their house with food - they would see it as a slight against their hosting (and would send me home with whatever it was). They don't drink alcohol so bringing wine would be pointless. At Christmas I would be bringing a gift anyway, and nothing else would be wanted or expected.

DH's parents always turn up with food as their "contribution". I actually find this annoying - if I've planned to host them, I already have enough food and I don't necessarily find it helpful to have to find somewhere to store more food and factor in when it can be eaten (if fresh and about to go off).

I do however help out with the cooking/cleaning up whenever I'm visiting friends or family. or would, for example, make everyone a hot drink. Expecting to be waiting on hand and foot would be the thing I'd take issue with if I was the OP - not that her AC hadn't read her mind and realised they were expected to bring food, when that had never been expected before!

I think if it was one day then I think not bringing anything to a family meal is understandable but not for 5 days!!. They should have contributed in some way for that long a visit

I guess it depends on what you are doing.

I wouldn’t want one member left with he burden of three courses, plus drinks and children’s options etc etc.

We have two courses, no alcohol and no children’s options. So no burden at all. In fact, it was just my DH doing a slightly more fancy version of what he does when my parents pop round for Sunday lunch.

My heart jumped because I thought this was about me for a moment.

We went to my DP's house for boxing day, and I was supposed to make an apple crumble for them. Didn't have the time and there was some miscommunication which resulted in me not making it. I felt so so bad, but we took drinks with us instead as my DF told me not to worry about it.

I'd expect to contribute especially if there for 5 days

I think it needs to be planned who's bringing what, we went to my brothers this year and they had done a huge shop of everything imaginable not expecting anyone to contribute and everyone brought something along anyway which meant we had enough to feed an army, such a waste when they didn't need to spend so much but communication is key and we've learnt that this year.

We spent Christmas with my MIL, staying for 4 nights. I wouldn't have felt comfortable without contributing to some of the cost of us being there. We took some food and booze with us and gave MIL some cash towards the shopping, which we went out and did together soon after we arrived. Whenever we stay there I make sure I help out with food prep, washing up, a bit of tidying... We go to spend time with her, not to be waited on hand and foot. Christmas is no different. My BIL was there a couple of days while we were there, and him and his wife are the complete opposite. They were sat on the sofa snoring their heads of within an hour of arriving (mid-afternoon) and that pretty much set the tone for the remainder of their stay

Agree its not about manners it's about family dynamics.
I just had my adult dd and her child for 5 days. I travelled 300 miles to get them and bring them home then hosted them for Christmas week. I provided the food (we don't drink) and bought all the gifts for my grandson from Santa and us. At the end of the week I drove her the 300 miles back home. She bought us some Christmas presents but didn't contribute anything else, I wouldn't want her to, she's a struggling single mum, she gave us precious family time, she came home, what more could a mum want?

I really cannot understand any of this, it's always good manners and polite to offer some form of appreciation to your host.

It's kind to ask and offer to bring something even if you know the offer will be declined. It's kind to make the gesture to offer so the host knows that you are grateful and appreciative.

If the host doesn't want something material or you couldn't afford it, I still think it's good manners to make the effort to show your appreciation by helping out on the day, washing up etc. Giving affection and saying thank you and letting them know how much you appreciate them and their efforts in person.

This is how all our family and friends behave and I can't imagine anything different. Surely it's basic consideration and kindness to others in return for their kindness in extending an invitation to you.

PrimalLass
I am unhinged because I would always happily have my kids over without expecting them to "contribute" all the time? Well, I am not their team mate, I am their mother, I intend to help them out as much as I can, not expect them to pay for their drinks when they visit.

Each to their own.
When I invite my own parents on holiday, I don't charge them for their stay either!

Thehogfatherstolemycurry

100%!

I can go to my parents with a newborn, or unwell, and use the time to rest and be looked after, even at Christmas. I can also come and visit another time and repaint half the house because I am well and more than happy to help.
Point is ,it's never a chore to visit family, because there are no weird expectations that you MUST do x or pay for z.

The idea that you have your kids around and expect them to bring all the booze for example, it's weird. And a bit sad.

I even go so far as to shit in my parents' downstairs loo

Perhaps look at it this way. They have young children. They are probably run off their feet. They had to attend various school plays/ Christmas events in addition to packing, loading up the car with presents and entertaining the kids in the car (plus the cost of petrol). They took time out of their busy hectic lives to spend time with you. They are family. You were the host. Maybe next time they will take a turn and invite you to theirs. If the money isn't an issue to them, then perhaps they would have no objection to having you stay with them and paying for the food next time, esp if it means not having to drag the kids away from home at Xmas. If you're a close family it should all even out over time. I would hope that as the kids yet older, and you do, they will invite you over in time. I would avoid making it transactional if you can.

It wouldn't have been done out of malice, I'm sure. I always offer and have family who in turn offer things when going over to each others houses. But, she is your daughter with young children and sometimes we can forget mum may need help. Are you sure she didn't offer before Christmas day to bring something and you inadvertently shut her down? My mum has a tendency to do this but gets irked later on about it when no one contributes. Next year, just say "can u guys do pudding please" done! She doesn't bring it no one gets it! Sorted x

Gosh, I wouldn’t even go for a meal without taking wine.
We stay at my sisters I do the starters, my mum contributes cash and my other sister takes dessert. Also loads of wine, gin, cider, board games and snacks. This year we stayed later on Boxing Day and I took food for then too. I appreciate her hosting so much and know how expensive that is.
I also have three kids - it makes me take more not less...

There is the assumption that the person hosting is the one making all the effort and with the costs but that isn't always the case. I would much rather be the host but my parents will never travel to anyone elses house so my siblings and i always have to visit them. If they expected me to provide food or drink on top of that I would visit less.