DD kicked a child in the face

[OutlawTorm]

Took DD (10) shopping for clothes to spend her Christmas money. She was trying on clothes in a cubicle when a little girl (aged about 6?) came along and bent down to look under the cubicle door. DD told her to away. The girl laughed and stuck her head under the door again. DD shouted at her to stop it. I tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her to stop it as it was rude. The girl laughed at me and stuck her head under the door again. DD shouted and banged on the door. I asked the girl where her mum was and she stuck her tongue out and put her head back under the door. DD then kicked her in the face. The girl scrambled away, started crying and holding her face. I shouted at DD and asked the girl if she was ok and where was her mum (so I could go and speak to her!) the girl shouted “shut up” at me and ran off. I followed her, out of the changing room, into the main store, followed her until she went up to an adult and started walking over. The woman asked her why she was crying and the girl shouted at her to shut up. I walked over and explained that my DD had kicked her as she kept sticking her head under the door whilst she was getting changed. The woman said “well, now you know not to do that!” ... she apologised to ME and walked off!!!

DD came out of cubicle as if nothing had happened. I said “what were you thinking? You could have seriously hurt her” and DD replied “wish I had”.

She is currently under CAHMs for behavioural problems, suspected aspergers, worrying behaviours. DH thinks I’m over reacting as “even the kids mum wasn’t bothered” but I am! It’s not a normal reacting to being annoyed is it? Kicking them in the face?

I once kicked a child in the head when I was climbing on a climbing frame because they kept pulling my legs. Think I was about eight. The adults were all utterly disgusted and horrified by my terrible behaviour. I went on to be a peace-loving vegetarian hippy teacher and have never harmed another human being. People always say how calm I am. I really wouldn’t worry. Sounds like she kicked the child because it was the only place to target and the other kid was being a bit of a terror.

And yet I bet not one of those adults waggle gave any through to the fact you were being physically assaulted first and had you not put a stop to the other child's behaviour they could have pulled you down and broken your spine or it could have been fatal. I know a child who got pulled from a climbing frame and fractured their spine. The child who did it was 6 and was asked to stop repeatedly. Their parent repeatedly said "they're just playing".

30 years later they still suffer the guilt.

She is on her daughters side snd thats why shes worried about her daughters reaction regardless of the fact that the mother of the said child brushed it off.
I suppose the other child has issues as well.
OP hope your daughter gets the support she needs.

I'd also kick someone in the face if I repeatedly told them to stop looking under my changing room door. Your daughter did the right thing!!!

No she did not do the right thing

@churchandstate She was in no danger whatsoever.

Fight or flight is HUGE within autistic people. At 10, she would have been worried about the situation, and not able to access the reasoning part of her brain in order to assess the situation and react as you, and adult would.

Therefore, she may have felt exactly like she was in danger, especially as her parent didn't actively intervene.

So saying "but she wasn't in danger" shows very little understanding of autistic people & what they go through.

But the child has not been diagnosed with Autism?

@Bourbonbiccy but you (who don't know her and weren't there) have concluded she didn't really mean it.

Just as you concluded that she wasn't scared? Even thought you weren't there either?

@Bourbonbiccy That sounds like she was annoyed and frustrated not scared.

She is currently under CAHMs for behavioural problems, suspected aspergers Suspected....that doesn't come from nowhere.

@PanicAndRun - agree with everything you have said!

@Thelnebriati I have physically stepped in between my DC's and bullies. Parenting isn't a spectator sport.

This.

Fight or flight is HUGE within autistic people. At 10, she would have been worried about the situation, and not able to access the reasoning part of her brain in order to assess the situation and react as you, and adult would.

Be that as it may (and it may not be), it is still my job as a parent to correct her misconception.

Everyone crapping in about a six year old being ‘only a child’ and ‘a bit annoying’ while ignoring the fact that a ten year old is also a child, with child emotions and lacking in adult thought process and capabilities.

I’m also uncomfortable with those saying “it’s never ok to kick someone in the face under any circumstances”. I’ll sure as shit be teaching my daughter it’s ok to defend herself if she needs to or she’s being violated.

I reckon the responses would also be very different if the six year old in question was a boy. There would be cries about him growing up to be a perv or a peeping Tom and a quick kick in the face might teach him a lesson.

I can’t imagine a ten year old could kick hard enough under a small gap in a closed door to actually cause any damage, the posts about lost teeth or eyesight are quite hysterical.

If someone stuck their head under a door while I was changing, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t boot them right off the bat, let alone give four warnings. Why do we hold children to higher standards than we would an adult?

Bottom line is - if you fail to supervise your child - the real world may react not so kindly.

I’m also uncomfortable with those saying “it’s never ok to kick someone in the face under any circumstances”. I’ll sure as shit be teaching my daughter it’s ok to defend herself if she needs to or she’s being violated.

Nobody has said this.

Everyone crapping in about a six year old being ‘only a child’ and ‘a bit annoying’ while ignoring the fact that a ten year old is also a child, with child emotions and lacking in adult thought process and capabilities.

Indeed the ten year old IS also a child. My problem and reasoning for 'crapping in' is not with regards to the ten year old action but the awful attitudes of the grown adults on here suggesting the 6 year old deserved it.

I’m also uncomfortable with those saying “it’s never ok to kick someone in the face under any circumstances”. I’ll sure as shit be teaching my daughter it’s ok to defend herself if she needs to or she’s being violated.

Probably you would have stepped in at the point OP failed though, so the situation would not have escalated.

I reckon the responses would also be very different if the six year old in question was a boy.

Well not really, a 6 year old is a 6 year old.

There would be cries about him growing up to be a perv or a peeping Tom and a quick kick in the face might teach him a lesson.

Actually, this has rather bizarrely been given as a possible!

I can’t imagine a ten year old could kick hard enough under a small gap in a closed door to actually cause any damage, the posts about lost teeth or eyesight are quite hysterical.

It's not about what you can imagine. The potential to damage was there. Minimal risk re teeth and eyes, but a risk all the same. Or are you planning to teach your children it's ok to kick someone if there is no permanent risk to them?

If someone stuck their head under a door while I was changing, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t boot them right off the bat, let alone give four warnings.

Another non comparable situation.

Why do we hold children to higher standards than we would an adult?

We don't. People have been jumping for joy about a six year old getting a kick to the face.

Another non comparable situation.

Why isn't it comparable? It's exactly what happened in the OP. The 6 year old didn't know who was in the changing room before poking her head under.

@WaterSheep

Because adults and children are developmentally different. It's really that simple. You can't compare what an adult would do in any given situation to what a child would do. That includes the ten year old btw.

At 10 years old, I would have very likely have reacted the way the OP's DD did, in my case because I was being abused and it would have been triggering, and it would have been fight or flight. But I would never do it now as an adult. Because I'm now able to properly assess actual risk.

Some of you may not realise it, but you are expecting a 10 year old (and a child with SN to boot) to respond like an adult would. I've been guilty of expecting too much from my DD1 at times. I forget that she's also emotionally immature so can't even be judged on the basis of how a NT 10 year old would react.

I reckon the responses would also be very different if the six year old in question was a boy

They'd certainly be different if the 10 year old was a boy.

Some of you may not realise it, but you are expecting a 10 year old (and a child with SN to boot) to respond like an adult would.

I have said many times I would expect them to act like a ten year old. That includes not kicking anyone in the face. In fact my very first reply was about how important it is because of the possible autism that the OP ensures her DD know that's it's not okay to be violent.

Nobody has said this.

Someone said exactly that.

ForkThis

Where?

@eveshopper but my point was that when a 10 year old has SN, then expecting them to respond like a NT 10 year old is unrealistic. With my DD1, I've learned not to expect this. She's emotionally a preschooler when she has a meltdown, and we have to understand that in order to help her.

What the OP needs to do is help her DD learn strategies to cope at those moments when she's about to have a meltdown and lash out.

And a NT child of 6 or 7 can actually bully an SN child of 10. Believe me, I've seen DD2 do exactly that. DD1 is doing better at coping now at those moments, which only happen with her family in her case, thankfully.

How was the 10 year old supposed to evaluate from inside the changing room, that this was a 6 year old girl?

@Lizzie0869 You can't compare two ASD children. Especially one who is emotionally a preschooler and one who is coming under investigation age 10.
I know it often presents later in girls but it is a huge spectrum.
We could suggest the 6 year old has SN it sounds likely from her actions.
OP I hope both of the Children in this situation are okay.