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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD kicked a child in the face

833 replies

OutlawTorm · 27/12/2019 14:04

Took DD (10) shopping for clothes to spend her Christmas money. She was trying on clothes in a cubicle when a little girl (aged about 6?) came along and bent down to look under the cubicle door. DD told her to away. The girl laughed and stuck her head under the door again. DD shouted at her to stop it. I tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her to stop it as it was rude. The girl laughed at me and stuck her head under the door again. DD shouted and banged on the door. I asked the girl where her mum was and she stuck her tongue out and put her head back under the door. DD then kicked her in the face. The girl scrambled away, started crying and holding her face. I shouted at DD and asked the girl if she was ok and where was her mum (so I could go and speak to her!) the girl shouted “shut up” at me and ran off. I followed her, out of the changing room, into the main store, followed her until she went up to an adult and started walking over. The woman asked her why she was crying and the girl shouted at her to shut up. I walked over and explained that my DD had kicked her as she kept sticking her head under the door whilst she was getting changed. The woman said “well, now you know not to do that!” ... she apologised to ME and walked off!!!

DD came out of cubicle as if nothing had happened. I said “what were you thinking? You could have seriously hurt her” and DD replied “wish I had”.

She is currently under CAHMs for behavioural problems, suspected aspergers, worrying behaviours. DH thinks I’m over reacting as “even the kids mum wasn’t bothered” but I am! It’s not a normal reacting to being annoyed is it? Kicking them in the face?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:03

To be fair, we do not know if the 6 year old was neuro-typical.

However, one would hope that if her mother knew that she was at all unable to behave appropriately, she'd have been far more vigilant in supervising her.

I know my six year old's (NT) would never have contemplated such behaviour. As much as anything they'd be very aware that response could be swift and harsh.

Jenpop234 · 28/12/2019 19:05

Imagine someone was annoying you by tapping on the door and being abusive. Is it right for you to hit them?! No. You are raising a future adult and violence should never be promoted as a solution.

Jenpop234 · 28/12/2019 19:07

@WatchingTheMoon nobody said her behaviour was acceptable. A violent reaction is also not acceptable.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:09

Actions = consequences. Sometimes those consequences are worse than you're expecting. But your actions caused that consequence. . . if you don't like that consequence, possibly you won't perform that action again. Just in case. . .

That doesn’t make this okay.

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:12

That doesn’t make this okay

Didn't say it did. Just logical. From the point of view of two kids, one being continually harassed in a vulnerable position, with limited tools with which to address it, and another kid who is continually harassing the other kid in the face of continued requests to desist.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:13

mbosnz

But nobody is saying these things never happen. We know people lose their tempers. But what to do afterwards? Do you tell the child who resorted unnecessarily to violence that they were right, or that they were wrong?

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:13

Once again for the back row, understanding why and how this happened and having empathy for the 10yo doesn't mean we think it's ok, that we go round punching people or teach our kids to round kick anyone that looks at them funny.

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:17

From what I know of kids they do tend to be rather more physical in how they resolve disputes, than adults are.

From the point of view of the ten year old, they did not resort 'unnecessarily' with violence - they'd already sought to resolve the situation without violence, multiple times, which is commendable. I'd be surprised if the six year old had not had previous actions resolved in a similar fashion by fellow children, given their behaviour.

I wouldn't be telling the ten year old that they were right, or wrong, I'd be talking it over with them, and exploring how we could both behave differently in a similar situation in future, so that the ten year old didn't feel the need to resort to violence, to finally get the six year old to stop continually harassing her and invading her privacy.

Branleuse · 28/12/2019 19:19

Kids sorting out an issue in a non adult way, does not need anyone to say either side deserved it. It just requires understanding why it happened.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:21

From the point of view of the ten year old, they did not resort 'unnecessarily' with violence - they'd already sought to resolve the situation without violence, multiple times, which is commendable. I'd be surprised if the six year old had not had previous actions resolved in a similar fashion by fellow children, given their behaviour.

No, it’s not commendable. It was unnecessary. The standard is “self-defence”, and “in proportion”, not “I was annoyed.”

WaterSheep · 28/12/2019 19:23

churchandstate

mbosnz clearly meant the fact that the OPs daughter asked repeatedly for the girl to stop was commendable.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:24

WaterSheep

That’s not commendable. It’s exactly what I would expect a ten year old to do.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:25

Kids sorting out an issue in a non adult way, does not need anyone to say either side deserved it. It just requires understanding why it happened.

This. I think it sums up the thread without any blame or name calling or vilifying needed for either child.

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:29

^That’s not commendable. It’s exactly what I would expect a ten year old to do.*

And she did it. Multiple times. It did not work. And, remembering this is a suspected non neuro-typical ten year old.

Kids sorting out an issue in a non adult way, does not need anyone to say either side deserved it. It just requires understanding why it happened.

Exactly.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:31

And she did it. Multiple times. It did not work. And, remembering this is a suspected non neuro-typical ten year old.

I do remember. If my non-NT ten year old kicked a smaller child in the face and I thought it was because they weren’t NT, I would still correct them.

Sceptre86 · 28/12/2019 19:31

Well done to the other mum for acting appropriately and apologising to you for her child behaviour, most wouldn't. Yes the little girl was 6 but that is not too young to know that she was annoying your dd. I agree that your dd will need to learn other ways in which to manage other people annoying her but regardless of her diagnosis she is a child herself and many kids will lash out physically when upset and pissed off. She did her best to warn the child off first so good on her. I think given the situation she did ok. I would not be telling her off in this instance. You can work on ways with her to deal with annoying behaviour.

That the other child was in changing rooms for a period of time without a parent is more cause for concern!

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:34

If my non-NT ten year old kicked a smaller child in the face and I thought it was because they weren’t NT, I would still correct them.

How?

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:36

PanicAndRun

“That was very wrong. What else could you have done? Why was it wrong?”

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:38

I hope you'd also correct your six year old who had been harassing and upsetting a child to the point that they finally physically reacted and point out that their actions had caused them physical pain.

I know I would. That's possibly part of why my kids would never have contemplated behaving in such a manner. They know their parents would never be apologists for such behaviour in the face of a fairly reasonably foreseeable consequence.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:40

mbosnz

Of course.

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2019 19:42

I have physically stepped in between my DC's and bullies. Parenting isn't a spectator sport.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:43

@churchandstate that's entirely fair enough, a lot of us agree with that.

But would shout at them, not ask if they're ok,leave them alone to follow the injured child and then again berate them and ask what were they thinking?

Would that behaviour from you make your non NT child respond empathetically and with remorse? Would it have taught them anything?

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:45

*But would shout at them, not ask if they're ok,leave them alone to follow the injured child and then again berate them and ask what were they thinking?$

I rarely shout, I always want to know if my child is okay, but I would probably ask them what they were thinking, yes. But then, it would never have reached this point with me.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:53

But then, it would never have reached this point with me.

Ideally it wouldn't have happened with OP either. And while it was the child that kicked the 6 yo, her mother needs to accept some of the blame. Teaching moment for both of them.

Understanding why and how it happened means both of them can take steps to avoid similar things happening in the future, but not by putting the full blame,shame and outrage on the child.

churchandstate · 28/12/2019 19:55

but not by putting the full blame,shame and outrage on the child.

And I haven’t suggested this.

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