To refuse invitation due to dress code?

[justdoityourself]

Been invited to a birthday party with a specific dress code. It’s an old friend and I’d like to go, but the dress code is something that I just haven’t got. I could buy a total new outfit but I wouldn’t be comfortable in it and would never wear it again! Aibu to not go? If I mentioned my reason to them they’d say “oh come and wear what you like” but I’d look totally out of place if I did that.

I’ve got some great things on eBay, charity shops or Facebook selling shop. Just a black wrap dress can be made posh if you add some costume jewellery

"I'd love to come but I don't have any clothing to fit the theme, nor can I justify the expense. Are you happy for me to come as me?"

If the answer is no she isn't a friend.
If the answer is yes then all is well.

a simple dress/or skirt/smart trousers & top but decent accessories - a nice shawl & pretty necklace or broach or a simple elegant bracelet ditto handbag & hair do (I believe getting hair done- - dry haircut? its cheaper- makes you feel better - or get good quality shampoo/conditioner) source Peacocks for top or M & co or Matalan

I’m with the other poster who said to add an accessory. Wear something you would be comfortable in but adding a tiara from Claire’s or something to zhush it up a bit. I know what you mean about being uncomfortable and I know I’d spend the whole time just really wishing I could leave which makes the going there pointless. Don’t force yourself to wear something you won’t like x

You're a grown ass woman. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Shame you're missing out though, sounds like a fun party with good friends!

It's totally possible to attend any event in any style on any budget. DS1 goes to a lot of black tie events due to an activity he does. He loves dressing up and spent over £250 on his black tie suit. DS2 hates dressing up formally but was invited to a handful of black tie events so he went down to the charity shop and picked up a jacket, bought some dress trousers second hand on eBay that almost match, and gets away with it.

@Episcomama It isn’t the other way round at all - she was meeting the letter of the dress code: “black tie,” but not the spirit of the dress code “all the women wear posh dresses and look as beautiful as you can.”

AutumnRose1
Sexism?? Get a grip love.

Guess it depends on what level of friend she is. An acquaintance? No. A friend? Hire something. A close friend? YABU

Depends on how good a friend she is.

If she's very important make the effort, if not, refuse the invitation.

op if its ball room or whatever than you could look to the past & think empire lines (high waist) - translation get an extra(too) long skirt & hitch it up with short sleeved (puff?) or sleeve less blouse underneath - or where a high waisted dress over the top of a long skirt - I still think go plain & do token towards theme - like feather in hair or headband & pinterest or do search for images on search engine with theme I bet ideas will come through that you could work with - look through wardrobe & jewellery etc & see if you adapt!

I loathe themed parties, especially 'Vicar and tarts' bashes. An excuse to dress in tacky fishnet stocking and crappy 'slutty' gear. I got more or less emotionally blackmailed to attend one. So, I turned up dressed as a tart. Literally. A Bakewell tart. I pretended it was a cultural misunderstanding...

Go and get a nice vintage dress or something alternative that you like and just go and enjoy yourself. Life’s too short! She might not invite you next time

I'd suck it up and go for a good friend. Where's your sense of adventure? Jeez no one would have a party if all grumpy people turned down the invite.

'Vicar and tarts' bashes.

Do these still happen?! I thought it was something that went out with clackers and the Bay City Rollers.

For me it would entirely depend on how much I wanted to go. If it was a good friend and I wanted to be there I would go in normal clothes with a nod to the dress code if I could. If I couldn't do that I would go anyway and let my friend know that I didn't want to miss her party but didn't feel comfortable with the dress code. Once everyone has been there half an hour no-one will be bothered anyway.

@Grumpelstilskin

A friend had a Denim and diamond party which I though was a great open theme

@justdoityourself
Can you please tell us the theme and well probable be able to give you loads of cheap and easy ideas.
Is it flappers?
If it is, do you have a black knee length dress? Buy some black tassel fringing from the haberdashersery, get multi layer (buy on line), tack a couple of layers around them of dress )and maybe neck depending on neckline?). Get a strip of black elasticated sequin too and sew into band around head, stick feathers in. Wear lots of cheap long Pearl's and long gloves from ebay.
You can do this easily, you don't even need the fringing to be honest, the headband gloves and pearls work.
I'm only guessing it could be this as people associate a flapper shape with being boyishy stick thin and the vast majority of people dont fit the bill.
Otherwise burlesque?
Help us, we can help.
How eccentric are the hosts other friends? Are they wildly out there or pretty average? Quite a life of people wont actually go anything near the whole hog, they'll do a midway compromise, a dress with Pearl's, or a frilly skirt and heels for burlesque with red lippy, that sort of thing. Most wont turn up in knickers and a corset i probably would, but I'm a bit bonkers😉

I love fancy dress. But I am aware that not everyone does so I'd make the theme very open to interpretation.
This is very outing but the theme for my 30th was favourite songs. So I made an outfit out of bin bags and I was Trash by Suede, my best mate came in a charity shop 80s wedding dress and she was White Wedding by Billy Idol.
But another friend came in ordinary clothes holding a child's beach spade painted gold and she was Goldigger by Kanye West.

Off topic sorry 😐

Can you definitely not get away with just dressing smartly/in an outfit that makes you feel good? Our work parties are generally themed e.g. Great Gatsby, silver and gold etc. Regardless of the theme most people seem to wear a normal party outfit and just add an accessory that sort of fits.

Do we still not know what the theme is???

@GlamGiraffe I'm very much in awe of what you consider easy!

I hate hate hate wearing dresses since menopause belly. I know it’s ridiculous but Im determined to see the back of it and in the meantime I prefer to wear skirt or trousers. I would really struggle with a black tie invite, can’t get in any of my many dresses, and sadly I wouldn’t go.

I end up going to a couple of posh dos a year because of DH's hobby. I always buy from charity shops - never spent more than £10. If I like the dress I keep it, if not it gets donated back.