To refuse invitation due to dress code?

[justdoityourself]

Been invited to a birthday party with a specific dress code. It’s an old friend and I’d like to go, but the dress code is something that I just haven’t got. I could buy a total new outfit but I wouldn’t be comfortable in it and would never wear it again! Aibu to not go? If I mentioned my reason to them they’d say “oh come and wear what you like” but I’d look totally out of place if I did that.

I would absolutely not attend a themed do of any description.

Totally agree with you op.
I worked in a small office and had a colleague who invited us plus partners to her 50th birthday party:
1st request - ‘could you all complete the attached slip regarding food choices?’ - ok, that’s fine.
2nd request - ‘can you all stay over in the hotel for the night? It will be such fun, we can all have our hair done together in afternoon before party’ 🙄
3rd request - ‘you can bring your kids but they have to go to bedroom at 7pm’.
4th request - ‘I’ve decided it’s going to be black tie with a black and white dress code’ 😱
One by one we all gave our apologies. She was very offended, but what else could she have expected?

"I would absolutely not attend a themed do of any description."

If I really wanted to go, but didn't want to stick to the dress code I would still go, but I am sociable and like to see my friends. A dress code that I didn't like wouldn't be enough to put me off.

Accessories are your friend! Just wear what you want and add a fancy head piece and some costume jewellery.
Job done.

People specifying dress codes get my goat. What does it achieve? A pleasing view for the host? A power trip? What on earth is the point, beyond a degree of ballache for the guests, ranging from “I didn’t really want to wear that” through “I look dreadful in that colour” to “ffs now I have to go shopping”. That’s exactly the mindset you want in guests before the event.

YANBU. I’d avoid like the plague.

People specifying dress codes get my goat. What does it achieve?

All sorts of things. A dress code can set the mood at a party, as well as helping the guests figure out whether they need to show up in jeans or wearing something special.

For a big celebration, black tie makes it feel special.

For a more relaxed evening, if the hosts specify casual, or smart casual, it helps people to know ...

It's not about creating "ballache" but rather ensuring no guest is embarrassed by being over- or under-dressed for the occasion.

I'd buy something from a charity shop.

I am not the right shape to fling on a "little black dress and heels" sadly

Everybody’s the right shape for a black dress and heels. Which is why it’s such a ubiquitous look.

Go to a dress hire shop

Just sell your outfit after

Our family got invited to a Forties/Wartime party for a 90 year old. We knew it was to be held in an absolutely fabulous location, and we all loved and treasured the 90 year old. So we all made the effort, the fatties, the skinnies, the youngsters, the oldies. Search hard enough, use imagination and there will be an outfit you can rock that won’t break the bank, and might just get worn again. No one judged anyone, no one was nasty about “that doesn’t suit you” it was just about honouring the 90 year old, enjoying the whole thing and having a cracking good day. We all have photos we now treasure, of a very lovely special event, sadly a few of those present are no longer with us. There were folks who didn’t want to dress up, but no one judged, they were made just as welcome.

I don't get all the hate for "dress to impress" on here - in my RL world it's just a quick code way of saying "let's all have a good night in our fav dresses or smart stuff and our heels, it's not a night for slobby jeans and guys, put on a proper shirt rather than a football top for once!"
That's all.
Not literally "impress the hell out of the group with a staggeringly amazing outfit or you'll be turned away at the door".

Have we discovered the theme yet? I’ve missed a bit of this I think.

@Alsohuman my very good friend is the wrong shape for any kind of dress, black or otherwise. She is tall and broad and a bit masculine. In a dress or skirt she looks so uncomfortable- she says she feels like a bloke in drag! She would rock a pair of smart trousers and a nice top though.

I can't think of any theme which would only suit one body shape, although I think if it was "swimwear" people might feel too self concious to sit around someone's livingroom in a bikini.

If you tell us the theme, OP, I bet you anything we can come up with a suitable suggestion which you'd feel comfortable in!

My guess is Roaring 20s flapper style - everybody is doing that, in my small village I know of at least 3 NY parties with that theme and there will be thousands more across the country so if it IS that theme OP, I think you can safely say so - it's the least "outing" party theme ever this year!

I love a theme or fancy dress but get that I'm in a small minority. It can be such an ice breaker if everyone really goes for it 😊

I really think it's a sari

Awww - I think if she's a good friend you should make the effort. I'm guessing its some kind of Roaring Twenties/ Cocktail/Speakeasy/Gatsby/Deco theme. To be honest if I'm close to the theme, most women are going to be in beaded dresses. Just wear something simple and accessorize- its all about the head-dress, the long beads and the gloves.

Or what about trouser suit, slick back your hair and wear a monocle- very Radcliffe Hall. Or go Agatha Christie- think turban and cigarette holder.

However, I do really like the person and there will be people there I'd love to see, which is why I'm torn

I don't see why you should feel torn. Would your friend really tell you not to come if you are not going to be able to adhere to her dress code? Just go in what suits you. I certainly wouldn't worry about sticking to a dress code if I didn't feel comfortable with it.

The underlying issue is one of confidence. One way or the other, dressed up, or simply attending not dressed up, that’s all there is to it. No one is perfect, perfect shape, beautiful face, etc.... but holding your head high, getting yourself into a comfort zone, and relaxing rather than stressing over what others think, can work wonders. Not going, staying at home, isolating oneself is not a good mind set. Hope it works out for you.

If you want to go to your friends party wear whatever.

I’m guessing 20s/gatsby/Peaky blinders too.

If so - just wear whatever you’d wear had no dress code been specified and get a string of beads/ feather boa/ feather headband or something from eBay/amazon/ charity shop.
Peacocks have some little faux fur wrap things in for a fiver at the moment, I know because I bought some for my bridesmaids at my wedding recently (it was mild enough for them not to need them but for £5 I didn’t mind too much and perhaps they’ll use them again).

If you want to go that is, if you don’t then make polite excuses - but if you would like to be there don’t let the dress code put you off.