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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse invitation due to dress code?

247 replies

justdoityourself · 27/12/2019 12:00

Been invited to a birthday party with a specific dress code. It’s an old friend and I’d like to go, but the dress code is something that I just haven’t got. I could buy a total new outfit but I wouldn’t be comfortable in it and would never wear it again! Aibu to not go? If I mentioned my reason to them they’d say “oh come and wear what you like” but I’d look totally out of place if I did that.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 27/12/2019 15:58

I know people who have got pretty decent posh frocks for their daughters prom etc from ASOS for very cheap. Worth a look? Could order a couple if they’re cheap enough and send back what you don’t want

TSSDNCOP · 27/12/2019 16:01

I am not the right shape to fling on a "little black dress and heels" sadly. This is half the reason I'm not happy with the dress code, as it favours those with slim figures and does nothing for the rest of us!

Is this getting to the crux of it? Given the choice of what to wear to a party, what would you wear? Even without a dress code I do think if it’s a 0 birthday party, Christmas party etc you’d probably expect to make a bigger effort than jeans and a jumper.

tararabumdeay · 27/12/2019 16:11

A lovely girl in my office, a temp at the time, was about to turn down a permanent job because there was a skirt jacket uniform. She thought it made her look fat. She was fat! It didn't make her look any different to how she normally looked but in a different wrapper.

I'm fat and I was also a temp. I persuaded her to take the job and she's now a top rep in an internationally known company.

Nothing makes me look good. I refer to my work clothes as different bin bag, different day but a slightly posher bin bag with friends would be worth it.

Aworldofmyown · 27/12/2019 16:16

Fgs wear what you want and go to your friends party. I'm quite sure no one will bat an eyelid.

XXcstatic · 27/12/2019 16:26

Fgs wear what you want and go to your friends party. I'm quite sure no one will bat an eyelid

This. Unless the friend is Her Maj, and the party is at the Royal Enclosure, Ascot, no one will give a monkey's. Dress codes are there as a guide, so that your guests know whether to punt for the top hat and tails end of the spectrum or the jeans and sweatshirt end. You're not going to get thrown out by the butler because your dress isn't black tie enough.

I suspect most of the people who moan about this sort of stuff on MN never actually host a party themselves. I also suspect that they are the guests that the host secretly hopes won't turn up.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/12/2019 16:26

Where do you live op?
What size are you and what type of thing would you like to wear?
I reckon MN can get you sorted x

milveycrohn · 27/12/2019 16:26

It depends on what the theme is really. I did not go to a 'Vicars and Tarts' party, though I briefly considered going as the vicar. It just sounded like too much hard work.
I have been on a cruise (once), but we could just omit the formal evenings (I am not spending my holiday dressing up, and DH definitely not).
However, I once went to a party that was a 'chapeau' party (hats). I actually did not wear one, but DH managed to find or borrow someone's old school cap! I still went.
Finally, one year at work, there was a 'worse shirt' day - coming up to Christmas. This was really funny as the men (most of them, but not all), wore their most garish, frilly, bad colour, awful shirts. Of course, women could join in, but there were not many in the office at that time. (I did not join in, except to laugh at everyone else's efforts).
As you can see, I prefer 'normal' clothes everytime.

BackforGood · 27/12/2019 16:54

From your title and OP, I was going to say YANBU.
I've turned down invitations before now once people start imposing fancy dress rules on the invitation.

However, later you indicate that it is just intimating that you "dress up nicely" / that it is a suggestion that people will make an effort to 'look nice', which puts a whole different perspective on it.

So now I think YABU

I appreciate a 'heads up' as to if a party if likely to be a 'jeans and flat boots' affair or a 'nice frock' affair, as most people do tend to want to be in the 'right clothes for the occasion'. I'm sure the host would rather you came in whatever you wanted to than not at all, but wouldn't you feel more comfortable in a similar style of clothing to most people ?
Surely you have something that looks a bit smarter than joggers and a fleece top ? What would you normally wear if asked out somewhere a bit smarter ? Wear that.

One of my dds likes dressing up - any opportunity, and loves a 'nice frock'. The other hasn't been seen in a dress for many a long year, but she has 'levels' of smartness within her own comfort zone, and would appreciate knowing in advance what most people will be wearing, so she can make the appropriate amount of effort, even though she wouldn't be in a fancy dress like her sister will.

BlingLoving · 27/12/2019 17:03

If it's just a smart party, I honestly don't think this is so challenging. "Normal" clothes can be beefed up with a bit of bling (check my name) and a pair of heels. Just because its formal, doesn't mean you have to be wearing a slinky black number with a Liz Hurley slit so I do think you are over reacting a bit. A nice, every day dress can be turned into a lot more with a black stole/ slinky scarf, lots of make up, heels/sparkly shoes and long dangling earrings and a good hairdo. For example.

I know a woman who turned up wearing a black suit at a swanky event, well tailored and with nothing underneath and sky high heels. Admittedly, she has a gorgeous figure and I'd never attempt it. But it wasn't something she bought specially but rather a work suit that she jazzed up.

Original poster
justdoityourself · 27/12/2019 17:06

@BackforGood there is a definite theme where people are required to wear a very specific style. it's not just "dress nicely". The style just won't suit my body shape so I'll be uncomfortable even if I manage to borrow something. However, I do really like the person and there will be people there I'd love to see, which is why I'm torn.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 27/12/2019 17:09

We've been invited to a red and black party. I thought it sounded quite sensible. Except now I've realised we have nothing smart in black or red (I never go out). So I'll have to splash out in Primark for outfits we're going to wear for two hours 😫.

GrannyBags · 27/12/2019 17:09

How ‘outing’ can the theme possibly be? Surely if your friend is reading this she must be wondering anyway!

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2019 17:13

Just go in your own clothes. Your friend will be happy to see you anyway.

Josette77 · 27/12/2019 17:18

Flapper dress 20's theme?

If she would tell you to come anyways then do that. Throw on something you feel good in and go!

starsky22 · 27/12/2019 17:26

Im trying to work out what kind of dress code favours those with slim figures? Is it cocktail dress code? If so that doesn't mean you have to wear a dress, it means semi-formal, so less formal than black tie, but not casual. You could wear trousers and a nice top for instance.

Whatever the dress code is I'd say go to the party, wear something you feel comfortable in and enjoy yourself. Your friend will care more about the fact that you are there, than what you are wearing!

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 27/12/2019 17:34

OP- you said your friend will tell you to just wear whatever you want, so do that. Dress smartly, but not totally to the theme. I'd arrive later so others wont really be still thinking about what others are wearing.

spacewitch99 · 27/12/2019 17:54

My DP has a friend who insists on having themed parties...however, we are never ever going to dress up for any of her future parties...she had the cheek to not dress up for her last one when everyone had gone to huge effort to comply with her ‘code’...she said she couldn’t be arsed! Pretty much how we had all felt but hadn’t wanted to let her down. Still raging about it now...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/12/2019 18:01

The party is next week, so I'm going to guess it's a New Years "20s Theme" Flapper Girls.

TheSandman · 27/12/2019 18:02

Do they want their friends and family, with all their weirdness and quirks and individuality, or a bunch of background extras for a photo opportunity?

Personally I would either turn up in your best 'Going to a Wedding' outfit or send them the address of a casting agency.

Divebar · 27/12/2019 18:02

It’s possible to buy very slightly worn evening dresses on eBay for £10. Ive had some great bargains that way. I’m a size 18 hourglass shape and would suit a 50s type dress but wouldn’t initially look good in a flapper style ( Peaky Blinders ?🤔). It is possible to get the feel though with a plain black dress and a distinctive accessory that gives a nod to the period.... feathered headband or tasseled bag. It’s a way of faking it without having to invest in the full shebang. A Hollywood theme id probably
Concentrate on setting my hair and copying the make up style ( a la Marilyn Monroe) and trying to borrow a fake fur coat to throw on.

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2019 18:08

Surely your friend isn't going to tell you not to bother coming because you don't have something that complies with her dress code?

IM0GEN · 27/12/2019 18:10

No of course YANBU. If hosts want to dictate what their guests wear, they have to accept that some guests won’t be able or willing to obey and so will decline the invitation.

It’s a risk you take when you invite people to an event but lay down rules.

I prefer my friends and family to come as themselves and be comfortable, but each to their own.

VenusTiger · 27/12/2019 18:12

Wear a trouser suit and cravat with a top hat?

AutumnRose1 · 27/12/2019 18:15

Dammit, now I want a cravat for the next one of these!

HeckyPeck · 27/12/2019 18:24

I think you should go OP.

If you feel you need to dress up a little how about adding an accessory - hat, socks, top rather than going all out. For example:

20s dresses. Wear what you’d usually wear on a night out and add something like this:

amazon.co.uk/ArtiDeco-Womens-Sequin-Evening-Vintage/dp/B07F2DRZWV/ref=mp_s_a_1_11?dchild=1&keywords=20s+top&qid=1577470797&sr=8-11]]

Or:

amazon.co.uk/ArtiDeco-Crystal-Rhinestone-Headpiece-Accessory/dp/B079JGNWJF/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=20s+top&qid=1577470953&sr=8-5]]

Why not get this thread deleted then re-post saying you need ideas then you can say what it is and I’m sure people will find something you can wear.