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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse invitation due to dress code?

247 replies

justdoityourself · 27/12/2019 12:00

Been invited to a birthday party with a specific dress code. It’s an old friend and I’d like to go, but the dress code is something that I just haven’t got. I could buy a total new outfit but I wouldn’t be comfortable in it and would never wear it again! Aibu to not go? If I mentioned my reason to them they’d say “oh come and wear what you like” but I’d look totally out of place if I did that.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 27/12/2019 13:53

I like posh frocks, but couldn't do one at my house,its a bit too cold, so would have to be a thermal underwear party.!

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2019 13:54

Is the dress code compulsory or optional? I would feel very hurt if someone didn't come to a party I gave because they didn't have the right clothes to wear.

But then, I would never impose a dress code anyway. I prefer to see my friends, not what they are wearing.

Jayneisapain · 27/12/2019 13:57

Hmm, depends on you. When I was larger this would have been a massive big deal to me and caused much stress. Now I'm smaller I would just message a couple of friend groups saying 'does anything have anything that i could borrow?' And shove on whatever they had.

GrannyBags · 27/12/2019 14:00

Why don’t you speak to the party host? Perhaps she has something you can borrow or a suggestion. I’m sure she would rather you went in your normal ‘going out’ clothes rather than not go at all. If the theme is just ‘posh frocks as opposed to something like Wild West then you won’t look too out of place in something smart.

fuzzyduck1 · 27/12/2019 14:00

My partner went to a works do where the dress code was black tie and cocktail dress. She turned up as a Pirate complete with eye patch and sword. No one battered an eyelid.

Where what you want. Be yourself.

Ginfordinner · 27/12/2019 14:00

I agree with GrannyBags. If she is a good friend wouldn't you have asked if it was OK to wear your normal going out clothes?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/12/2019 14:02

Or try Ebay. Brand you like plus size and get something used. Then you can sell it for a few quid at the end and it isn't cluttering the house. I love Ebay!

HugoSpritz · 27/12/2019 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burnoutbabe · 27/12/2019 14:14

I'm have now worn smart black trousers and fancy sparky top to every single recent event that asked women to wear nice frocks.
It's fine, a suitable top is easier to get off eBay than trying to find any sort of dress or trousers.

Pinkyyy · 27/12/2019 14:16

I don't really understand why you'd made this thread and then not say what the theme is. That's a large part of the answer. I think YABU anyway because dress codes are not laws.

FruitcakeOfHate · 27/12/2019 14:17

Themed parties suck! Wasteful, too, throw away costumes. Or going through faff of borrowing and fannying round online or trawling charity shops. I'd decline, too. Wouldn't go wearing what I liked. I'd just send along a nice gift. Silly childish nonsense.

HeyMac · 27/12/2019 14:21

Just tell your friend the truth. You'd like to go but you don't have the ability to get a costume together. Can you still come. It may be that she has something you can borrow and if it's a real friend they won't care. Smile

PineappleDanish · 27/12/2019 14:22

Charity shop!!

Just before Christmas I helped a woman who had been invited to a James Bond themed party, she wanted ultra glam. We cobbled together the perfect outfit with a sequin dress, massive jewellery, strappy sandals and even a jewelled feather thing for her hair. All under £20.

RandomMess · 27/12/2019 14:26

You can in the Male or female stereotype option?

TSSDNCOP · 27/12/2019 14:28

I always think a dress code is the sign of an anxious host; they need a “twist” to get people talking on arrival. But after that it’s just a bunch of folk wearing black and white/Bond inspired/come as your favourite chess piece.

That said, only fancy dress is the one I particularly dislike.

Elieza · 27/12/2019 14:32

Ask the host or other party goers who are attending what they are wearing.

I can’t imagine you looking out of place with something classy on like a little black dress and heels.

If it’s Ascot or Mother Of TheBride type themed just add a large hat perhaps gloves, jewellery, and clutch bag. Job done.
No dilemma here if you own a dress at all. If it’s Polo themed no gloves and wedges. If it’s glamour themed you can do your hair all fancy with a stole.
You surely must be able to borrow what you don’t have.

Or Have an accident with a bottle of juice or something spilling on you and having to turn up in something else as an emergency as the dress you planned is ruined and wet.....

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2019 14:34

If they are good friends, I would just go and wear what I liked. No way would I miss a good bash because of a so-called dress code. And if they are good friends who want you there, they won’t care anyway. Go, wear what you want, and have a great time

XXcstatic · 27/12/2019 14:37

I’ve refused an invitation recently that said “Dress to Impress.” Impress who?? The party was at the person’s house as well, not in a posh hotel. I do not feel that me wearing anything I have or anything I could buy would impress anyone. So I didn’t bother going

They must have been gutted.

AllergicToAMop · 27/12/2019 14:40

If you wouldn't be comfortable in a dress why not borrow a suit from someone? Or just suit trousers, shirt and vest. Accessorise with what you got at home and voilà.

Also. WTF @NameChangeNugget 🤦
Better to Remain Silent and Be Thought a Fool than to Speak and Remove All Doubt

DickDewy · 27/12/2019 14:42

I’ve refused an invitation recently that said “Dress to Impress.”

My friend did the same on christmas eve. She weighs 20 stone. As she said, 'I'm not going to impressing anyone unless I dress as a blimp'.

AutumnRose1 · 27/12/2019 14:45

I'd refuse a "dress to impress" as well.

to me, hosting a party means providing food, drink, music etc and not stressing anyone out with ...well, anything really.

Spitsandspots · 27/12/2019 14:48

My partner went to a works do where the dress code was black tie and cocktail dress. She turned up as a Pirate complete with eye patch and sword. No one battered an eyelid

@fuzzyduck1 did she misread the invite or just fancy being different?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/12/2019 14:50

If she's a close friend, I'd just go and wear whatever you have available or use some of the tips on here to glam up your existing outfits

I love dressing up but I wouldn't go out and spend loads for one party. Just go and enjoy yourself!

LiviaSoprano · 27/12/2019 14:52

God I hate dress codes and fancy dress. I avoid them where possible.

We couldn't get out of a gatsby themed one a while ago so I just wore a sparkly headband with my jeans.

Fair enough if lots of people find it "fun" but it pisses me off when it's suggested to be compulsory.

Scattyhattie · 27/12/2019 14:54

I've always enjoyed chance to dress up for parties & seeing others outfits usually for the creativity factor, its sad that some find dress code suggestions controlling & would avoid going.

I once went to dog show with an Ascot theme, not everyone had chosen to dress up and was a spectrum of fancy with a few going all out with top hat & tails. It made the day more memorable & the photos are lovely.

I've had some great posh frocks off eBay very cheap & always bit gutted I don't have more opportunity to wear. Its not always easy to borrow clothes unless similar size to friends/family, but you can also use accessories to change feel of a plain outfit like a bowtie, hat or big glitzy necklace.