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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want my child around him?

153 replies

ukatykikapenej · 26/12/2019 23:42

I've namechanged incase some of my partners family recognise me by reading my other posts.

I've been friends with my partner since we were about 9/10. And we've been in a relationship for almost 3.5 years. When we were children he always said how he thinks his dad Hated him because he was saying things about him (he never said what though) so he spent a lot of time around my house (no idea why I didn't tell anyone). Anyway today we went to see his dad's family. His dad drank a bit so he was a bit drunk. He was asking his wife (not partners mum) give him another bottle she said no and then he started shouting that he wanted one. Then his wife asked him if he wanted tl do that in front of his son (partner) and his dad said he can handle it and then he said actually he can't. Partner didn't answer him and then his dad hit him around the face and he's now got a bruise.

We are going to ttc in February/March so would I be unreasonable to not want my child near him? Advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 26/12/2019 23:46

It is assault .

I would seriously talk about boundaries before trying to convince.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 26/12/2019 23:54

My partner didn't do anything. We arnt going to properly try to conceive we are going to stop using contraception and see what happens. I don't want my child around his dad but I know it'll cause a few arguments with other family members.

OP posts:
Tink88 · 26/12/2019 23:56

Think carefully before you have a child with this man. His dad hit him and he did nothing? You think it will cause problems do you really want that ok n your life forever

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 00:01

My partner isn't violent so he didn't hit him back and he didn't say anything to him because he would have probably hit him again.

OP posts:
UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 27/12/2019 00:01

Not an unusual problem.

Perhaps don’t make a big issue about it but just keep your distance. Find a place to live that isn’t too close, always go round to theirs rather than having them round and visit early in the day before drinking starts.

Living a short drive bus ride away and only visiting for morning coffee could keep things friendly and low key without exposing any children to the darker side of things.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 00:09

We are going to start renting our own place in January (we live with my parents now). We visited at about 11.30 but his dad was drinking by 12. His dad also sometimes makes comments when he hasn't had a drink.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 27/12/2019 00:10

In the kindest possible way, what the fuck are you doing even considering having a child with your partner before discussing this with him? You need to be in agreement about this. What if he won’t go nc with his father and isn’t able to stand up to any demands to have contact with any children you have together? What will happen if your relationship breaks down in the future and you don’t have a choice in who your child spends time with? Have you really thought this through?

JasonPollack · 27/12/2019 00:11

Unless you're planning on abstinence that is definitely trying to conceive.

You need to have this conversation with your partner before coming off contraception. Personally I would not ever want to see this man again.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 00:16

I hadn't thought of not the child having contact with his dad until today and I don't want him/her around him. My partner can still see him if he wants if he doesn't agree. I will speak to him tomorrow maybe though.

And I mean that I won't be tracking anything when we are ttc so we don't have any pressure on us.

OP posts:
Loveisntblind · 27/12/2019 00:27

Run like the wind. Don't see these people again. Pass on the phone number for women's aid to dad's wife before you walk clear out of their lives. Anyone who could strike their child so coldly and brazenly will do it again and has no doubt done it many many times before, trying not to speculate but with what his wife said I'm certain she's being abused by him too and didn't realise the son was also a victim. By doing it in front of you all he's demonstrating what he's capable of and that he means to normalise it. Do not bring children into that world. Please.

In your situation I would not have children with him at all, I'm sorry. Very few people get away from abuse and the tendency is to offer up grandchildren as a means to distract the abuser or hope to pacify them. This often ends up with the child abused or witness to the abuse and the circle continues. Ever hopeful that it can be swept under the rug to play happy families. I come from a family like this, it is horrible, truly.

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to go to the police and report the assault, at the very least you both need to go NC and get therapy to help your dp learn normal boundaries. This is toxic. I'm so sorry for the decisions you both now face.

maddening · 27/12/2019 00:31

The thing is, if your relationship breaks down with dp once you have dc then during dp's contact time you have no control over who your dc are with, if dp agrees initially to go nc that is no guarantee that your dp will maintain nc with fil after you split, your dc could end up spending a lot of time with fil and it would be V difficult /impossible to prevent it if your dp chose to do so.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 00:42

I do want to carry on the relationship with him. I don't know if he'll report it to the police I'll ask him tomorrow (if he doesn't should I?). I'll speak to him tomorrow about going no contact. If he wants to i dont think he would take our child to see him if we split up.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 27/12/2019 00:42

Please don't stop using contraception right now, ukaty; I don't know how old you are but I imagine you're still quite young so have plenty of time to have a baby.

Being part of a violent family is seriously dodgy, even if you're on the periphery. Have, not just one but several, good long talks with your boyfriend. He seems to have accepted his dad's violence and that is not healthy.

Take things slowly. You're not even in your own place yet!

paperandfireworks · 27/12/2019 00:47

What planet are you on?

You haven't even tried to conceive this child yet and you're wondering about exposing them to domestic violence?!

Theres no way in hell you should be bringing any child anywhere near a violent man.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 00:54

I'm going to speak to him tomorrow. I think hes scared of his dad so he didn't do anything when he hit him.

I'm not thinking of exposing a child to violence. I'm thinking of keeping them away from him

OP posts:
BreatheJustBreathe · 27/12/2019 00:59

Did your dp say if it was the first time he'd hit him?

Oldishusernewname · 27/12/2019 01:00

There isn't a child, this whole thing is ridiculous.

What does your partner want to do? His feelings about being abused and assaulted are far more important at this stage than an imaginary future potential baby

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 01:03

No partner did say if it was the first time but he didn't mention anything except that it hurt. I don't know what he wants to do

OP posts:
Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 01:08

And his feelings are important. He didn't speak about it so I didn't bring it up. The only thing he asked is if I think hes weak.

OP posts:
Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 08:09

If he doesn't want to report it to the police should I? Or should I leave it to him? I'll speak to him later as he's still asleep.

OP posts:
Keepmewarm · 27/12/2019 08:15

Not much communication going on between a couple that have known each other for such a long time!

BillywilliamV · 27/12/2019 08:18

Oh FFS, why the rush for a baby? Live with him for a bit first, get to know him and his habits, then you can decide whether you want to have a baby and what the relationship between said baby and the rest of the world should look like. I
Please don't bring a child into this relationship yet.

PicsInRed · 27/12/2019 08:23

loveisntblind is spot on, do NOT have children with this man, best cade scenario, your partner is absolutely fine with overt violence in his family, worst case, he will - like so many men before him - replicate that violence on you and your children when you get pregnant/have children.

As maddening quite rightly said, you can't keep the children away. Your partner can do what he likes, go back on any agreement he makes and - if you split up - leave the kids there for unsupervised babysitting.

The Family Court won't even keep child rapists away from their own children. They certainly won't support you in keeping your kids away from FIL in the event of a split. In fact, if you withheld access from your, then, ex partner, the children would be removed from your care and given full time to your ex (and probably handed over to MIL/FIL each day).

That is the reality of what you are facing, in having children with such a man, from such a family.

I'm thinking of keeping them away from him

As above, you cannot. It's impossible. There is no physical or legal mechanism to keep your kids away from FIL as long as your partner wants to hand them over. And he will. Oh he certainly will.

Don't have children with him.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 27/12/2019 08:25

We do communicate but I didn't speak to him about it yesterday. I do live with him now but we are at my parents house. There's not rush for a baby though.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 27/12/2019 08:41

There is a big difference between living together at your parents home and living together on your own.

Give yourselves time when you move out to get to know each other better and have some fun together before ttc.

You sound fairly young although I am making a massive assumption in this. What ages are you?

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