To not want my child around him?

[ukatykikapenej]

I've namechanged incase some of my partners family recognise me by reading my other posts.

I've been friends with my partner since we were about 9/10. And we've been in a relationship for almost 3.5 years. When we were children he always said how he thinks his dad Hated him because he was saying things about him (he never said what though) so he spent a lot of time around my house (no idea why I didn't tell anyone). Anyway today we went to see his dad's family. His dad drank a bit so he was a bit drunk. He was asking his wife (not partners mum) give him another bottle she said no and then he started shouting that he wanted one. Then his wife asked him if he wanted tl do that in front of his son (partner) and his dad said he can handle it and then he said actually he can't. Partner didn't answer him and then his dad hit him around the face and he's now got a bruise.

We are going to ttc in February/March so would I be unreasonable to not want my child near him? Advice would be appreciated.

I dont think partner would be violent. He could take baby to see his dad but I don't know if he would because he knows what he does. I'll speak to him though to see what he wants to do (not about the future child).

You sound far from ready to be considering children. Put the brakes on.

My ex MIL is, for various reasons, not someone I consider to be good news around young dc. Xh & I used to argue about this a fair bit.

Now we are divorced, xh has spent years using her for childcare for the dc, & there's bugger all I can do about it.

My advice would be: imagine that in 5 years time, you & dp have a 4yo & a 2yo, you've split acrimoniously somewhere along the way; he now thoroughly dislikes you & doesn't listen to a word you say/actively enjoys winding you up. Drunk shouty violent dear granddad is now his go to babysitter...

Don't like the sound of that scenario? Don't bring dc into this situation. Sorry .

Why even consider a baby before you have a home of your own?

No I don't think you should report it to the police if your partner doesn't want to, but you do need to have a very serious conversation about contact with his father.

He said this is the first time his dad has hit him, so now you don't know what he's capable of. What if next time it's his wife or you or your (potential) child?

Did you not get up and leave when his dad hit him? Did you say anything?

Why on earth are you TTC when you haven’t even got your own place yet? Think carefully if you really want to have children with this man too.

No, your partner should not take future baby to see this violent alcoholic. Your partner should not be seeing him. You should not be seeing him. Unless he is dry, cut him off.

There is so much to sort out here.

This isn’t about your Dp been violent.

He slows himself to be abused by his dad and yet keeps going back. He doesn’t yet know how to protect himself, yet alone a tiny vulnerable person.

Babies put stress on a relationship. I assume there is a lot of history here as he is at your mums.

Enjoy yourselves, get yourselves in a good place and yes if you can’t talk about him been hit you are nowhere near ready.

I probably wouldn’t go to the police but would encourage him to

Before trying to conceive: a) live together for a bit without parents around.
b) your partner really needs to get some counselling and try to get his childhood issues dealt with. Because the one thing a new baby does is resurrect the hidden and suppressed memories of your childhood. (Think of it like someone giving up smoking before trying to conceive.)

I would also suggest you talk honestly to your parents.

How old are you both? You sound very young

Having a child in this situation is pure madness.

Your partner is still attached to and involved with an abusive parent, you haven’t talked to him about how parenting would work and you live with your parents.

Honestly, you aren’t nearly ready to have a child.

When he hit him we left. I've asked him if it was the first time he hit him and he said no. And I asked if hes going to report it to the police but he said he doesn't know because they probably wouldn't do anything. He said he doesn't want to see him but his family would force him.

Everyone here is being so awful rather than supportive!

Personally, it's your partners choice whether it's reported or not. I don't know how people are being to critical and actually advising that you leave and don't have a child with your partner. I think you should support him through this and discuss a potential child not seeing his abusive dad. I think you need to be quite strict on it, sometimes once baby is here, it's too late to discuss and lay boundaries down and it becomes difficult.
Then depending on what your partner says, you can decide whether you're ready for a baby with him yet. Maybe he needs time and support to process what his dad has done before discussing bringing a baby into it all.

I hope your partner is okay and things turn out well for the both of you ❤️

Your partner is the victim of domestic abuse by his father's actions and, partly, by his mother's inactions. He is in a terrible situation and he is the victim but he needs to find the strength to break free and heal himself before he becomes a parent. If he does not he risks transmitting some of the issues to his child. He won't necessarily hit his child but he may expose the child to the abusive grandparent. You will have little control over this, especially if you later divorce, so you leave yourself and your future child at the mercy of someone who is himself being controlled by an abuser.

Your poor DP.
He is the son of an abusive alcoholic, and he is frightened of reporting him to the police, or of stopping contact. This is normal to him. The rest of his family are going along with it. It sounds as if this violent bully is controlling the whole family, his wife is probably also a victim in this, and hasn't prevented her children from being attacked. Living like this long term will have caused all sorts of emotional issues.
Your DP needs help. Can you encourage him to go for counselling, or maybe go to AlAnon which supports people related to alcoholics..
You sound quite young, and your DP will be traumatized. Don't even consider having children with him ( or anyone) until you have lived independently for a few years, and you've had a chance to see how his upbringing has affected him longterm.

@ukatykikapenej with the best will in the world you are being very irresponsible.

99% of society will tell you to see how things go just the two of you on your own before you make a baby.

If your living with parents can't you save for a deposit and buy?

Have you done the maths? Can you afford to rent and have kids?

Don't become another statistic.

I know this may seem harsh but equally you sound irresponsible.

All the best x

His mum doesn't know as she moved abroad for work and left him with his dad when he was about 8. And when he visited her or she visited him he never told her. He sees her now as she's moved back but he still hasn't told her

Op, you are mad to consider getting yourself more entrenched in this car crash family. You need to step back and stop burying your head in the sand because your partner needs to figure out how he wants to handle his family's abuse before you decide if you even have a future together.

It's clear that, from what he's said and done, that your partner comes from a family where physical and psychological abuse is normal. Normal families don't assault each other, or "force" someone to see them etc.

Your partner is a grown, independent adult.his family do not have the power to force him to see them, or stop him reporting the assault to the police.

Honestly the only rational reaction here is to assess how willing to get help your partner is and then consider if your relationship is viable based on that. At a minimum I'd say the following is a good starting point:

1. your partner needs to seek some sort of abuse counselling, therapy etc.

2. you move away and go completely no contact with his family, i.e. they don't know your new address, get off social media, change phone numbers, and prep your own family and friends to ignore them in case they hassle them for your contact details

3. you both take a long time to consider huge life decisions or buying a home together before just diving in while this abusive family is still in your lives.

We dont want to buy a house yet so we are going to rent. He's said he might report it but he doesn't know what they'll do. We are meant to go to his mum's today but he said he's going to tell her he got into a fight. I don't think he'll go for counselling yet but he might after he's reported it to the police (if he does) because he knows it's not normal.

He said that she won't believe him that he him him when he was younger. I think he should tell her though. I think if my partner reported it his wife would (if hes been hitting her) and other people. My partner moved in with my parents because of his dad always belittled him (and probably hit him).

Tink88 victim blaming, much?

He's told me that tomorrow he will report it to the police. But he said he won't tell his mum later. I think she should know but don't think I should tell her because he probably won't want to tell me anything again.

OP, as oth eta have said, the main problem here isn’t your DP’s dad, it’s how your DP deals with what is clearly an abusive childhood. He will have many, many problems that he may not even know about yet due to how he was treated as as a child but unless he gets therapy you don’t know how those problems are going to manifest themselves. There may not be any consequences or, he may find having a child really stressful and he may start becoming angry/abusive when he’s stressed at having to deal with a crying baby and that may trigger feelings that have been hidden for years.

The fact his DP felt ok to hit him in company is really horrendous. Your DP’s reaction is concerning, the fact his family would “make” him see his dad is really worrying, his mum probably not believing him is unforgivable and the fact you haven’t discussed it properly since does not bode well. Please talk to him about this and get some help so he can start to process the abuse he suffered.

His dad has just messaged to ask if he wants to go for a pint and partner said no and his dad said he's disappointed to have a son like him and he isn't a real man etc. He's still saying he won't tell his mum though. But he will report it to the police. I think he will be a good dad though I don't think he'll be abusive.