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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my child around him?

153 replies

ukatykikapenej · 26/12/2019 23:42

I've namechanged incase some of my partners family recognise me by reading my other posts.

I've been friends with my partner since we were about 9/10. And we've been in a relationship for almost 3.5 years. When we were children he always said how he thinks his dad Hated him because he was saying things about him (he never said what though) so he spent a lot of time around my house (no idea why I didn't tell anyone). Anyway today we went to see his dad's family. His dad drank a bit so he was a bit drunk. He was asking his wife (not partners mum) give him another bottle she said no and then he started shouting that he wanted one. Then his wife asked him if he wanted tl do that in front of his son (partner) and his dad said he can handle it and then he said actually he can't. Partner didn't answer him and then his dad hit him around the face and he's now got a bruise.

We are going to ttc in February/March so would I be unreasonable to not want my child near him? Advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

SmileyGiraffe · 28/12/2019 09:41

Do not have children with this man. He has been belted by his dad and then gone running straight back there for more.

He will facilitate your child being abused.

But your updates show that you won't take any notice, so it was rather pointless you posting in the first place.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 09:48

His dad won't know our new address. And hopefully partner will agree not to see his dad. I don't know why he went to see him yesterday.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 09:50

You're so naive. His dad will know when DP or his brother tell his dad. You can't keep your address a secret from your parents if you have contact with them, realistically.

NicEv · 28/12/2019 09:54

This is not the best place to seek advice on this OP.

Sit down and speak to your partner. Your first priority should be supporting him - that sounds horrible and he must be very upset. You and he can agree what to do about future contact - you haven’t even got pregnant yet so that is not your first priority at the moment. Go and hug your partner - give him your support, he will need it

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2019 10:01

You really need to support your partner here, he needs help with this. His dad is being abusive - does his brother know what's he's been doing ?

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2019 10:04

How old are you and how old is your partner?

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 10:07

His dad won't know our new address

The only way to guarantee this is if your partners doesn't know your address.

If you're young you have a massive chance of going on to meet someone safe and drama free.

If you're a little older you shouldn't settle for somebody who could ruin all your chances.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 10:40

I dont think he will tell his dad the address but I'm not sure. His brother probably won't know it as he lives a few hours away and my partner goes to see him but his brother doesn't come to see him often. His brother doesn't know.

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/12/2019 10:51

There's all together too much 'I think' about this. Your partner has gone running back to his abusive dad, and you don't know why. You don't really seem to communicate very well - or to understand how bad these issues are and how mentally far reaching they can be for your DP.

Do you desperately want a baby?

Because this relationship, as it stands, is not one you should be thinking of bringing a baby into. Your DP is going to have a lot of mental problems as a result of his father's behaviours, he can say that he's okay all he wants, but underneath he won't be. He's already worried that you see him as weak!

You need to move far far away, get counselling for your DP and cut his DF out of your lives before you even think about the possibility of having a baby. And you need to talk. Properly. Less of the assumptions and more of the actualities.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 11:06

He said he went yesterday because he wanted to. I don't desperately want a baby. I am supporting him.

OP posts:

NicEv · 28/12/2019 11:11

Hope you are ok OP - some of the comments on here are very judgemental. This sounds a difficult and complex situation - have you got parents or close friends who can advise and support you both? Don’t take the “leave him” comments to heart - how you proceed from here is up to you and strangers on the internet will bring their own baggage and judgements. Hope you both come through this ok - the person at fault is the abusive father not your partner.

Elieza · 28/12/2019 11:29

The question is WHY did your dp go back to his abusive father? Does he even believe he is being abused or is he minimising the whole thing? Looking for a clue to support perhaps his own theory that ‘dad loves me he’s just confused’ or somesuch shite.

Did he go back to confront the father about his behaviour?

Did he go back in the vain hope of an apology from the father?

Did he go back in case the father no longer lived him and he wanted to sook up to him and be reassured that he did?

It’s what’s going on dp’s head that I’m interested in.

He can’t stay away from an abusive father yet you hope he can keep his trap shut about his future address?

There is no way he will be able to do that.
The first time dad or brother says what’s your address I have a birthday card for your child/him/you that I need to post he will cave and give it out. Especially to the father. Abusive relationships mess with your mind. He hasn’t gotten control if his mind in this regard yet.

I doubt he can handle cold turkey away from his father. He couldn’t even stay away from him for one day.

He needs counselling but I doubt he will be in a rush to get that. In my experience men are not good at talking to strangers about intimate or embarrassing problems.

Sorry OP. It must be so hard for you. Don’t have children till your dp has counselling or they will be shouted at too. The old bastard can’t help himself and your dp isn’t over it all yet and may never be. If he unwittingly turns into the old bastard your kids will suffer.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 11:49

This is one of the most ridiculous threads I’ve ever read.

I’m sorry OP but you are in complete denial about your partner and until you both get proper help your relationship won’t go the distance and kids should definitely not be on the table.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 12:01

I'm not in denial. He believes it's abuse. He said he wanted to talk to his dad and I think he was probably hoping for him to apologise. I don't think his brother would tell him our new address if he knew what his dad does. But I don't know if partner would if he's asked alot by him.

OP posts:

Elieza · 28/12/2019 12:08

Remind me OP, does his brother have kids? Does the old bastard grandfather get to see them? If so then dp’s brother must think that’s ok. So he will think it’s ok for your kids to see their grandfather too. ie he will give out your address.

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2019 12:14

Why won't you answer people's questions about how old you both are?

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 12:50

His brother doesn't have kids yet but his wife is pregnant and she's due soon.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 13:18

Your partner has been hit (hard enough to bruise) by his dad twice in as many days yet won’t call the police and you can’t be certain he would keep your address private.

Yes. You are in denial.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 13:26

Has he called the police yet?

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 13:27

Im not in drnial. He said he will later. I haven't called them because he probably wouldn't talk to them now. At first he probably wouldn't give him the address but he would if he kept asking probably.

OP posts:

Ronnie27 · 28/12/2019 13:33

How did you react when it happened? If you’d called the police then and there what would have been said?

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 13:37

It's almost 2pm. He didn't do it yesterday because he wanted to do it today. He doesn't want to do it now because he wants to do it later.
He is a victim. But I'd be cutting out of this level of disfunction and codependency and lack of the sting better at this point in the relationship.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 13:42

We left. If I'd have called the police partner probably wouldn't speak to them or he'd lie.

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 28/12/2019 13:50

Make sure you photograph the bruise straight away. Keep the photos in a safe place because you will need them later.

After you leave this thread, bookmark it, and come back to it in a few weeks. See if you can look at it from a different perspective.
Just do it. Don't say you wont need to.

Original poster

ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 14:08

He's just said that he isn't going to report it because his dad will deny it and they won't do anything.

OP posts:

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