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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my child around him?

153 replies

ukatykikapenej · 26/12/2019 23:42

I've namechanged incase some of my partners family recognise me by reading my other posts.

I've been friends with my partner since we were about 9/10. And we've been in a relationship for almost 3.5 years. When we were children he always said how he thinks his dad Hated him because he was saying things about him (he never said what though) so he spent a lot of time around my house (no idea why I didn't tell anyone). Anyway today we went to see his dad's family. His dad drank a bit so he was a bit drunk. He was asking his wife (not partners mum) give him another bottle she said no and then he started shouting that he wanted one. Then his wife asked him if he wanted tl do that in front of his son (partner) and his dad said he can handle it and then he said actually he can't. Partner didn't answer him and then his dad hit him around the face and he's now got a bruise.

We are going to ttc in February/March so would I be unreasonable to not want my child near him? Advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
PrettyPurse · 28/12/2019 14:15

Then his Dad is right.... he is weak

londonscalling · 28/12/2019 14:28

I think you and your husband should have no contact with his father. If the rest of his family don't support your decision then don't have contact with them either. I've been no-contact with my in-laws for years (very different scenario though). It's the best thing I've ever done. As I've got older I am not prepared to put up with people who treat me or my kids in a bad way!

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 14:31

He isn't weak. He is abused. But there needs to be a line in how much he is willing to put up with. And how much you are willing to allow yourself to be abused.
It would be disturbingly irresponsible for this man to become a father anytime in the near future.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 14:42

Should I tell his mum to see if she will try and persuade him? I don't think he'd tell his brother because they arnt that close. I think he won't tell his mum because he thinks she'll think hes Lying or that he's weak or not a real man.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 15:45

No leave his mother out of it! Unless you are both 12 you should be able to deal with this between you.
Has he called the police yet? How much more rope are you going to give him!

Starlight456 · 28/12/2019 15:45

You have to support your partner here.

These demands to call the police are ridiculous.

It is his Dad who is abusing him. Hardly the easiest person to report.

I would maybe suggest taking pictures so it gives him a choice at a later date

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 15:47

It's not ridiculous. It's proof of a massive problem with her partner. It shows that this relationship is not a safe environment to bring a child. OP isn't to blame. Why should she haul their life for a man who will not help himself?

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 16:12

No he hasn't called the police yet because he thinks they won't do anything. I am supporting him.

OP posts:
Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 16:43

Op you need to look at this situation from the outside. Your partner isn’t going to report his dad, is that something you can live with? Your partner won’t stop seeing him, is that something you can live with?

If you were to have a baby with this man then your child will always be at risk. There could come a day where your partner is looking after the child and pops round his dad’s and that is something you can’t control.

You won’t say your age, and that’s entirely your choice. But if you are young (teens - mid 20s) then I can see why you are reluctant to consider the future as this is probably your only serious relationship and you don’t have anything to compare it to. You have plenty of time to continue the relationship and see how things progress before deciding to have a baby.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 16:50

It's up to him if he wants to report it but I hoped he would've. But I wish he wouldn't see him. I wouldn't want our future child to see him either.

I'm supporting him but don't know what to do

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 16:55

Why don't you just tell him how you feel?

If he won't protect himself (by going NC even if he won't go to the police) how can you expect him to protect you, your home and your future children?

Ask the question.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 16:57

I haven't told him how I feel because he will think I'm calling him weak and he already asked me the other day if I think he is.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:00

He asked if you were weak for not retaliating though, didn't he? Which he isn't.

Suggesting what you think he should do, in terms of cutting contact, isn't calling him weak. It's helping him be strong.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:01

Sorry, if you thought he was weak, not if you were weak, obviously.

BilboBercow · 28/12/2019 17:18

OP you sound extremely child like. Quite a few people have asked how old you are. Is there a reason you've not answered?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:21

@BilboBercow probably because her age is irrelevant and no matter how old she is people will say "oh you're too young, there's no rush, you've got years ahead of you"

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 17:41

He asked if I thought he was weak because his dad said he is. And because he didn't retaliate I did suggest to report it but he said he will today but now he's saying he won't be chase they won't do anything.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:43

It's fine if he doesn't want to report it. It really is. What he needs to address is how you prevent this happening moving forward.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 17:47

I would sit him down and say that you don't think he is weak. But you think he is abused and traumatised and this is a problem he needs to fix now. And that by not confronting his issues he is contributing to them.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 17:48

His dad is insidious. Your DP needs counselling by the sound of what you've posted here. No one can force him to continue to see his dad.

This is very concerning because if he cannot cut off contact with his dad this affects you and your children. If he can't do it for himself he should do it for you and them.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 17:50

He did block him last night but now he's unblocked him i think. He only sees his brother at his dad's though so I don't know how he'll go no contact.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 17:52

So he's sweeping it all under the rug and hoping you'll shut up and forget it happened?

Until next time. And the next time...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 28/12/2019 17:53

He's unwilling to help himself so you need to help yourself.

Booboostwo · 28/12/2019 18:05

What GiveHerHellFromUs said. As an adult you can chose to stay in this potentially explosive and very harmful situation, but at some point it will take its toll on you. Don’t bring a child into this.

tenredthings · 28/12/2019 18:05

Your DP is tied into an abusive relationship with his DF. He is desperate for his father's approval and will keep returning to him only to suffer more abuse. This has been his pattern since he was abandoned by his mother and left with hid DF as a child. He needs professional support to understand and heal from this abusive relationship. You sound young and you should avoid bringing a child into this toxic situation until your DP is willing and capable of removing his DF from his life.

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