Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my child around him?

153 replies

ukatykikapenej · 26/12/2019 23:42

I've namechanged incase some of my partners family recognise me by reading my other posts.

I've been friends with my partner since we were about 9/10. And we've been in a relationship for almost 3.5 years. When we were children he always said how he thinks his dad Hated him because he was saying things about him (he never said what though) so he spent a lot of time around my house (no idea why I didn't tell anyone). Anyway today we went to see his dad's family. His dad drank a bit so he was a bit drunk. He was asking his wife (not partners mum) give him another bottle she said no and then he started shouting that he wanted one. Then his wife asked him if he wanted tl do that in front of his son (partner) and his dad said he can handle it and then he said actually he can't. Partner didn't answer him and then his dad hit him around the face and he's now got a bruise.

We are going to ttc in February/March so would I be unreasonable to not want my child near him? Advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Elieza · 28/12/2019 18:07

What’s your sister in law saying about the fact she will have a child who could be subject to verbal abuse or even physical abuse from the old bastard? How does she feel about her husband and his fathers relationship, or indeed the way your husband is treated by him?

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 18:32

SIL or BIL don't know as they are staying with him from today. When she announced she was pregnant partner didn't say congratulations and was on his phone and his brother said that he was annoyed because He didn't have any attention like their dad said but sil did tell BIL to leave him.

I did tell him I don't think hes weak

OP posts:
Chunkers · 28/12/2019 18:37

You said He said he doesn't want to see him but his family would force him

Who would force him? Sounds like he would benefit from detaching from the whole family.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 18:53

His dad wife would force him and probably his brother and maybe a few other people

OP posts:
Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 18:54

Sorry OP but this is getting a bit silly now. His dad’s wife can’t force him to see his dad, he is a grown adult!

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 18:59

His dad's wife would probably keep going on at him until he saw him.

OP posts:
Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 19:01

But she can’t physically force him. He could always go nc with her and his dad.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 19:07

How would she keep going on? By phone? Block her. He is allowing this.

londonscalling · 28/12/2019 19:13

Nobody can force him. Following on from my earlier post where I said I've gone no contact with my in-laws ... I'd told my husband I wasn't going to see them anymore. He'd arranged for us to go round to see them and I refused. He said I had to go. I refused. We argued. I still refused. In the end he went on his own. He was hardly going to drag me into the car! I haven't see them since!

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 19:20

Yes by phone or his friends as one of them works at the same place as her.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 19:32

So block her and him on absolutely everything.
Tell the friend that that topic is completely off the table and not to be discussed ever. If he does your partner shuts it down. If they persist he gets up and leaves.
Why are you making him sound like a helpless child? He is an adult. He has power that he is not using.

tenredthings · 28/12/2019 19:51

You know he's not going to cut contact so it's up to you now to decide for yourself if you want to tie your life in with this family or choose a different one.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 20:55

I know he can tell his friend not to talk about it but he probably won't.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:06

He won't do anything. You deserve a life free form abuse.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 21:21

He said he can't report him to the police because if the police believe him ss will be involved as his brother and wife are going to move in with him. And they probably will need his dad's and his dad's wife help. And then he won't get on with his brother

OP posts:
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:24

You know that's all bullshit right.
What do you want to do? You just keep parroting his useless excuses. Do you actually want a solution? Or do you want to be told that this is OK. Because it's really not. It's fucked up.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 21:31

I dont know what I want to do because I don't really want to end our relationship but he won't do anything to help himself.

OP posts:
Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 21:36

Op do you need to do anything?

If your partner is happy to carry on as is then you can’t do anything about that.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:39

She can leave. This is an extremely toxic, abusive, volatile and overall disgustingly unhealthy situation. She should be seriously thinking about the life she wants to lead.

Because reasonably she can never have children with this man while he refuses to face his issues and CO his father and attend therapy.

So the OP could be giving up children. That is something to seriously ponder.

Fanciedachange1 · 28/12/2019 21:42

You are correct merrychristmas, the op needs to think what is best for her and her future. She doesnt need to do anything in regards to her partners family and friends.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:44

Well she can turn around and give him a swift ultimatum. Them or her.

Original poster
ukatykikapenej · 28/12/2019 21:57

I dont want to split up with him but he won't help himself and go no contact/tell family members because if they knew they probably wouldn't mind and would probably not want to see him themselves.

OP posts:
Elieza · 28/12/2019 22:16

Well that’s new information. So the sister and brother are moving in with the dad who verbally and physically abuses children including your husband in his youth, and he doesn’t want to try and prevent the child being beaten up or shouted at by telling the police the truth. WTF. This is totally fucked right up.

Does the sister know the abusive history? Presumably her man got beaten up too as he is your mans brother? Surely she can’t know or she’s be refusing to put her as yet unborn child in harms way once born?
I’d be telling her tbh just to make sure she knows. No lies just the truth. And the truth about your husband being assaulted the other day by his alcoholic father too so she knows the old bastard hasn’t changed.
That whole family is fucked right up.
I’m lost for words, I really am.

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 22:19

I take it back. You're both weak.

SmileyGiraffe · 28/12/2019 22:24

Yep. You both deserve all you get because neither one of you are prepared to help yourself.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.