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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I did nothing wrong and he is batshit?

184 replies

Lemononachair · 23/12/2019 08:29

I live in a shared house and have had issues with one of the housemates basically since I've moved in. He is constantly making up 'rules and regulations' (which are in no way set or unforced by the landlord, just by him) and complaining about things I have or haven't done. It's built up over many many months and I'm really tired of it tbh but his recent behaviour takes the fucking biscuit.

Went to a Christmas party, at the weekend so no work the next day (me or housemate). Bf picked me up and gave me a lift home. It wasn't overly late at this point, maybe 10:30/11 at the latest. I'd had a few drinks but was not drunk or being overly loud.

Bf was laid down on one of the sofas, arms behind head and asked me to sit on his lap while we were waiting for the kettle to boil. I did, sideways, with my feet on the floor so as to just 'perch' on him and not squash him. Housemates storms out of his room and immediately announces that we are making him uncomfortable and need to stop. We separate, I get up, both apologise and then carry on with our evening.

The next day he accosted me as I was coming home and basically said he's having words with the landlord about me because I was 'dry humping my bf' in the communal space, as well as a load of other comments. This is completely untrue and I am so fucking hurt and angry because I try so hard to be a considerate housemate and live in harmony with every one else - to the extent where I will walk through the house in the dark when I leave for work at 6am just so I don't turn the lights on and disturb anyone. I actively go out of my way at every turn to be quiet and considerate (which the other housemate definitely does not!!) and yet I am the only one having made up accusations thrown at me?!

Aibu and was my behaviour out of order or is he just batshit and obviously has it in for me?

OP posts:
Cailleachian · 23/12/2019 13:57

I would start by assuming that he isnt going to be happy whatever you do. This isnt your problem So do what you want.

Practice and perfect a breezy phrase along the lines of "Goodness, you seem really upset, are you feeling OK?" to use when he pulls you up on shit. Maybe also talk to the other flatmates about your concern for his welfare and explain that you have been considerate about his difficulties, but you think he now requires more support to deal with everyday life and trivial annoyances. Perhaps also explain that it is affecting your wellbeing, you find him aggressive (which he is being) and you are keen to stop the situation escalating.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2019 14:03

This is so fucking neurotic. I wasn't aware that mild displays of public affection between people who are in a relationship are such bad form. The phrase "dry humping" is clearly a massive exaggeration.

I'd understand it if you were getting down to it on the floor but you can't go through life demanding that people only hug and kiss one another in private. And it was only 11pm, not 4am.

I think you need to move out tbh. It sounds as if this guy has some personal issue with you or your boyfriend or is just very anal. I wouldn't worry about the landlord, he will just have too many other things to worry about to give this any thought. But just for your own peace of mind and calm I'd move out.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 23/12/2019 14:15

Oh, yes, and as a landlord, I would have absolutely no interest in any of my tenants' behaviour unless they were actively causing damage to my property. So his threat to tell the LL about your "dry-humping" is an empty one.

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/12/2019 14:20

Why can’t you see that it was unreasonable to be sat like that whilst in a communal area?

Probably because it's not unreasonable?

I agree with pp's. This man should not be bothering you, and although that's easier said than done, you need to fake it till you make it. So yes, practice your response to him, whether you decide that response is a simple fuck off, or whether you go the bright and breezy route. But just remember, he has no power over you unless you give it to him.

justilou1 · 23/12/2019 14:28

I think he’s got serious misogynistic issues and is potentially psychologically unsafe, tbh... He’s far too interested in what OP is doing, turns an innocent encounter into a dirty, embarrassing sexual one (when it wasn’t) in an attempt to humiliate her - as with many of his other controlling behaviours. This man is a psychopath.

Vanhi · 23/12/2019 15:28

Must be great to be able to diagnose someone with a serious psychiatric disorder on the say so of one person's reports on the internet.

Jux · 23/12/2019 16:59

He is abusive. You have described an abusive relationship perfectly. Walking o eggshells, falling over yourself to appease him, falling over yourself to avoidtng him off, only being allowed to do this that or the other. And so on and so on and so on.

Stop letting him get to you. Use the kitchen when you want. Use the bathroom when yo want. Order takeaway, have friends round.

Whatever comment he makes, ignore. "That's a shame" can be a good response to unreasonable demands as can "you are not my boss" and "no". Especially "no".

He's a bully who is taking advantage of your natural courtesy (as do all abusers) and desire to live in oeace. He will probably crumble if you stand up to him.

Jux · 23/12/2019 17:03

Have friend round next Friday. Warn him and your other flatmate. Drink, eat, be merry. You are entitled to the peaceful enjoyment of your home. If you like, send a note to yr landlady saying you'll be having no more then 6 friend round and you will ensure there is no damage.

MurrayTheMonk · 23/12/2019 18:30

This thread is peak mumsnet. How can it be inappropriate to sit fully clothed on your partner in an otherwise early room for two seconds whilst you wait for the kettle to boil?
Jesus. Mumsnet it might be but god knows how half the people on here became Mums in the first place with this level of prudish-ness!
You were fine OP. Your house mate is a twat.

Devereux1 · 23/12/2019 18:34

MurrayTheMonk The OP has admitted she was being loud and giggly whilst sat on top of him. If she hadn't been loud, the other man wouldn't have come out of his room.

Branleuse · 23/12/2019 18:48

Except he would have, because as OP explained, he has a problem with her for fuck all, all of the time.

Plus, i dont know how many of you have ever done houseshares, but they literally ONLY work if you are laidback and accept other people are allowed to live their life and as long as they are not throwing constant wild parties and being dangerous and antisocial then a lot of stuff you have to try and chill about.

Devereux1 · 23/12/2019 18:56

Except he would have, because as OP explained, he has a problem with her for fuck all, all of the time.

Well, OP says he does. Perhaps he does, or does not. But that doesn't account for him storming out of his room at precisely that time.

Or is it just a complete coincidence that he stormed out of his room to complain about her noise and activities, just at the moment that she was making the noise and sat on her boyfriend's crotch at the same time?

If he hadn't heard she was there, why did he storm out of his room then? Surely if he just has a problem with her no matter what she does, he would have casually left his room with no anger formed, seen her, and then gone mad?

Yet he didn't...

Gonetoget · 23/12/2019 20:49

Devereux. The op has given other examples of flat mates awful behaviour, it’s not an isolated event.
It was approx. 11:00 pm not early hours of morning, flatmate was awake as she could see his lights on and hear his TV - wonder if his tv was disturbing other flat mates.
It was not for a prolonged period and op Has explained it is not a regular occurrence.
Sitting on bf lap is hardly shagging on the kitchen table, whilst poor flatmate is trying to boil the kettle.
Presumably she can’t be that bad, or all the other flat mates would be complaining about her too - which she hadn’t indicated.
He is a massive arse, that clearly isn’t cut out for house sharing if he’s that fucking sensitive to noise and erm...people sitting fully clothed on each other’s laps.

Branleuse · 23/12/2019 21:02

If you live in a houseshare though, you just dont storm out of your room when someone else makes a noise. If you want silence, you live alone

Patroclus · 23/12/2019 21:07

ohhh Devs being 'controversial' again. Shocked.

MurrayTheMonk · 23/12/2019 21:33

No she didn't. She said she wasn't whispering. not that she was being loud. There's a big neutral ground between the two.

Devereux1 · 23/12/2019 21:40

MurrayTheMonk Pls refer to the OP's own comments.

Original poster
Lemononachair · 23/12/2019 21:48

I really don't believe I was being loud, just normal speaking volume but maybe he perceived it as 'loud'.

I do agree with a pp though that this is part of the territory to an extent when sharing a living space with others. You have to deal with a reasonable amount of noise and general disruption from people living their lives. It isn't intentional to piss him off, it's just people existing in the same space. If he wants silence and total control as he seems to prefer the onus should be on him to move out but I'm sure he won't.

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 23/12/2019 22:00

Maybe I was being a little loud and giggly

Original poster
Lemononachair · 23/12/2019 22:26

I really don't believe I was being loud, just normal speaking volume but maybe he perceived it as 'loud'

OP posts:
justilou1 · 23/12/2019 22:42

Jeesus Jones, Op, you’re never going to have nits with the pickers on here!
Honestly! You were boiling the kettle and were giggling a bit. Big deal. This guy’s a knob. He is not the boss of the world and you can tell him to piss off! He might even stop being such a jerk if you stop being so submissive.

KarmaStar · 24/12/2019 01:54

Yanbu the man is ott.You've done nothing wrong.

mylifestory · 24/12/2019 18:11

He is jealous. He obs doesn't have the same relationship u have. He is angry. U are there to take it from him. I'm sure his girlfriend doesn't take his crap, look up narcissism, it will surprise you. When you do move pls tell the landlord he is a bully setting rules etc for everyone and nitpicking at anything . You were doing nothing wrong, i bet he was looking through the keyhole! Do you know if he does this with other housemates? I am a landlord and if there was anyone like this in my rental house I would want to know.

wildchild554 · 24/12/2019 18:19

Sounds like an experience I had and the guy seemed ok at first but got more and more aggressive, tried busting our door down when were asleep saying we were banging about in kitchen etc, was horrendous, Kept having a go at me for wearing sunglasses inside, I can be sensitive to ight and they help when I have migraines coming on. In the end it turned out he was on cocaine and this was all linked to his outbursts and the things he thought were happening but weren't. It was quite frightening at the time with his violent outbursts and ended up having t get the landlord involved. A couple weeks later we found out what had been going on and he his brother took him away to try and get him off it.

FreyaMountstuart · 24/12/2019 18:21

He’s a misogynist fuckwit! Leave ASAP - they don’t improve!

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