Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

Paul
I am being supportive and I’ve given good advice to the OP.
You’re being incredibly rude to me for no cause. Saying “attention seeking bullshit” that’s rude. Saying “it’s not all about you” also rude.

this is emotional blackmail. he sounds unhinged and like he will need a lot of therapy to ever be a viably decent human. indulging him further only moves him further from this. it must extremely difficult to be faced with cutting your son out of your life but i feel that is what you are facing.

Please Pm me if you wish. My son smoked a lot of weed. It is massively massively damaging. I cannot stress that enough. Your son is a drug addict. His whole mentality and physiology is altered by this stuff.

He needs to de tox. I feel this is where your support ( if you feel able) should be channeled.

To all the responders I would like to thank you for your time, trouble and supportive words. I'm at work now feeling jaded and exhausted but having to be professional at the level I work at, but I’m incredibly buoyed by your opinions and suggestions. I’m going to try and address some of the questions and suggestions made.

Gingerkittykat – he has turned down an invitation from me for Christmas and has now refused to go to the paternal grandparents (who he is scathing about even though they are good people who have homed him several times). He tells me he is going to one of his mates (one of his mates who has a ‘proper’ mother).

Oliversmumsarmy – I see your point re the weed, so true – He feels that because other people in the family are wealthy then they somehow ‘owe’ it to even up the fairness so his situation reflects his cousins’ more favourable situations, even though ironically they work hard.
Creepster – I wasn’t aware of the point you made about not maturing past the point of where they started smoking and that was a lightbulb realisation for me – thank you. I have forwarded him self-help information so many times but he doesn’t read it. I have called and spoken to counsellors/GP/helplines etc with him beside me but he won’t engage.
MakeItRain – You are so right, thank you for your sympathies.
Anessia – I never saw your comments so can’t respond, but I hope you find peace because I’m assuming from the remarks about your comments that you were pretty vicious, so this is probably reflective of your own life.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella – Thank you for pointing out my daughter’s place in all this – you are right, she has felt (rightly) resentful as I seem to focus on him and think of her as being able to cope – fortunately we have addressed this and spoken at length about it and I have assured her that I love her dearly – she has lost respect and become frustrated with her brother.
MooPointCowsOpinion – you are right he acts like the world owes him something. In his drug-induced state putting the world to rights with his fellow ‘stoners’ he tells me how they ‘realise’ that everyone else is shit and that they have a deeper understanding about life, and how inadequate their parents have been…….
Soontobe60 – you are kind and wise also same to AmaryllisNightAndDay – Skyejuly – thanks x
You're right of course, I've been far too soft but I can't turn the clock back now. Even though I know it is not all my fault I still feel partly to blame and feel guilty. He was such a sweet lovely little boy it breaks my heart. I have to harden myself to not think of the sweet times, long gone.

Some of your have suggested volunteering abroad and the army. Well both of these have been suggested by me (I offered to pay for the voluntary overseas working and presented him with all the different options but he sneered at me and discounted it immediately).
He was accepted into the Royal Marines recently with me encouraging him all the way but ducked out at the last minute to take a minimum wage job because 'why should he be cannon fodder' and a ‘mate’s uncle joined the forces for ten years and came out and found no work’. You can only imagine how disappointed everyone was that he didn't take this opportunity. He then said I had disappointed him with my upset reaction to not taking this amazing opportunity because ‘surely it was about what he wanted…?’ but I argued, it would be great for you, but no, he wasn’t having it.

BuckingFrolics – you make a valid point – yes I may well have failed him several times growing up – his father was useless and left when they were babies but nevertheless his failure to maintain contact and let them down had a big impact, which I tried to make up for. Emotionally we were an open and expressive family. He always complained about being the only man in the house and blames me now for not finding a partner who could be a good role model for him (I decided to be single for 14 years while they were growing up as I didn’t want to introduce a succession of men into their lives- seems this was a wrong decision too). He sneers at my career choice and says I should have done better and lift myself out of being poor even though I’ve worked my way up to a pretty good position in the same company for over 10 years and now get a good salary and a lot of respect and job satisfaction. You mention his ‘perfect sister’ – unfortunately she was extremely challenging for many years too but can vocalise her dissatisfaction with life and we talk openly and are close and loving now. She tells me she has ultimate respect for the way I bought them both up and tells me he is a waste of time. She will build up a relationship with her brother only for him to dash it by being judgemental of her or her choice of friends and cut off all contact with her. It leaves her bewildered and cross, exasperated time and again. But I do see how I may have let him down when he was young by not addressing certain things or seeing what was going on. I suggested counselling when he was 16 to help him deal with his feeling re his father and he went along but asked me to come too, we went together and it was definitely a help. I have offered it again but he refuses. I have written him long letters apologising for what he sees as a ‘terrible’ childhood, but really I’m wondering what I’m apologising for as I have diaries and notes and photos from the years which show a caring, loving, fun, opportunity-filled childhood with adventures and treats despite shortage of funds. It seems he has rewritten history. I do get angry when I think of children who live in war zones and have incredibly hard childhoods and he was complaining because the milk was from Tesco not Waitrose!! FFS.
Yes he says he doesn’t like himself and feels a failure, even though he’s extremely personable (except with me) with a wicked sense of humour (we share this) and has impeccable manners and is head-turningly handsome. So sad that he says he has zero confidence and won’t believe in himself. Yes, if I was reading this post and it was about someone else I would see clearly how manipulative he has been but also what a mug/idiot/failure to impose boundaries etc I have been guilty of, but when you’re in the thick of a situation it’s hard to see the wood from the trees. Despite the outpouring of unhappiness in my posts I do try to keep positive and enjoy the love I enjoy from those around me.

You’re all a very wise lot and I can’t thank you enough for your responses, you made me feel very emotional but cared for. x

Wants to goto Switzerland to end his life? all because he's feeling sorry for himself?He needs a kick up the arse and buck his ideas up. He's being selfish to you.

Can I just restate....OP, the weed is number one here. We are lead to believe its just afew spliffs blah blah. If he has smoked it since his teens, his brain was developing.There is so much research around the fusing of the brain in males occurring late...in their 20's. He has really messed up with this vile substance.

I would strongly urge you to find a reputable therapist FOR YOURSELF. Organise some boundaries and a plan. Provide him with a de tox and support.

He was accepted into the Royal Marines recently

Did he tell you that? If he’s smoked weed regularly from age 15 to 24 he would not pass the drug test or the physical fitness tests. It’s not likely he was accepted.

The only person who can possibly know the risk of him actually harming himself is him. On that basis, I think it would be wise to report it to whoever has the power to take action (police, maybe? plus obviously GP, mental health charities may be able to offer advice). Even without the suicide threat, he clearly needs help although he obviously doesn't want it.

If the whole thing is just manipulative posturing then you may put an end to further threats of this kind because he will learn that he will get what he neds but not necessarily what he wants from you. This really isn't a waste of resources, because he is clearly showing symptoms of something and you/he need a diagnosis before he can be properly helped. Even if the diagnosis is that he has no significant mental illness, I do think it needs to be ruled out.

I don't think you need to cut him off entirely, but I do think some distance would be helpful. Definitely don't take responsibility for his rent again. It's going to be hard to be firm about not handing over cash, but giving him money doesn't help him, it just shuts him up for a bit (and simultaneously makes sure there will be another, probably bigger demand soon).

Do you think it would help to not see your son alone for a while? If your partner was there with you it might be easier to stick to whatever plan you decide on. Your son obviously knows how to manipulate you and being alone with you may make it easier for him to do that.

Whatever you do, I think it's essential that you get support for yourself, please make that a priority. You can't do anything at all to help your son if you are so ground down that you are barely able to function yourself. I wish you well, this must be incredibly difficult for you.

Off the weed, visit to the GP, 8 weeks on antidepressants or whatever the diagnosis is....... You can phone the doctor and say he is suicidal. I dont think that can be ignored?

self medicating with drugs for almost a decade.
This is an excuse, at 15 he was more than likely being a rebellious stupid kid & trying to keep up with the gang.. Unfortunately in spite of popular opinion, weed is totally destructive for some people.
They justify it as being a light pastime, no worse than their parents drinking a beer, that it should be legalized & it's harmless,
& some people can take it or leave it, but many become habitual addicted users & it will destroy their lives.
It makes them seriously angry & agressive when they need their next puff & this corresponds with OP saying he is angry & agressive, he probably only shows up when he has no money for any more weed.
So the "self medicating myth" is more than likely an excuse for "I need it, I can't go without " I feel better when I smoke
The cause could be any number of things, no father figure, or an abusive parent, problems with weight, health, self esteem, bullying, problems with scolarity....
but ultimately anybody's child can fall into this trap.
He cannot declare he has depression, other than being depressed because he can't get his fix because he refuses to go the doctor to get diagnosed & helped.
He is an addict & in denial, & like any addict will abuse, manipulate & use, every single person he can to get his drug.
Stop helping him.

My parents are good friends with a family who have a son with gambling and alcohol addiction problems. He's 31 and they have pandered to many financial and manipulative pressures similar to your son. He has destroyed them mentally and financially. Genuinely, destroyed them. They have nothing left other than their (heavily mortgaged) house, they are depressed and their marriage is pretty much over. They are shells of their former beings. Their other son goes on in life with little support from his parents because he knows the alcoholic twat of an older brother is a priority for them.

He was accepted into the Royal Marines recently with me encouraging him all the way but ducked out at the last minute

Very unlikely. My partner was in the forces for a long time. They are actually moderately picky and there's no way your son passed the physical and psych tests. This is another lie he told you.

He clearly has problems. But they are not your fault. He is 24 and you have done more than any other parent would. Time to cut the cord and let him hit rock bottom, however hard that is. You have a daughter and a husband who need you too.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BEHAVIOUR OF ANOTHER ADULT.

Your son is using you. He is lazy and feckless and he is really enjoying winding you up and watching you dance.

Stop funding him, stop helping him.

I have huge sympathy for you. If my daughter has a probem I alway want to swoop in and make it go away, but she is 20 now, not 2, so I listen sympathetically, if she wants advice I give it, if she wants ideas for a solution I'll try to come up with something. That's it.

He has to take responsibility for himself at some point. It's OK to blame your parents when you are a child, but when you're an adult you make yo wn decisions and get yourself to where you want to be.

I am reminded of an erstwhile friend of dh's. I despise the guy. He had two children, boy and girl. His wife left him, mainly because he was a waste of space, smoked weed all day and fancied himself as a dealer, so not very nice people were coming to the house anytime, all the time. When they split, the dd chose to go with her mum, but the boy chose to stick with his dad. He followed in dad's footsteps, spends all day stoned. He is now a minor con-man. Minor because he can't be bothered, not because he has a conscience.

Meanwhile, the dd went to Uni, did post grad stuff, got herself a damn good job. She is now settled with a nice chap and they have two children and a house and a great relationship with her mum. With her dad not so much. Sees him once or twice a year.

The some blames the uselessness of his life and his hopelessness and lack of good things on the reak up of his parents marriage - it happened 20 years ago. He lives with his dad in a filthy flat and they just smoke dope and plaay on computers all day.

When is it OK for kid to stop blaming their parents? When they'r 18, 24 or over 30? Or never?

This whole idea of he has to go get help himself is somewhat ableist because people can and do become so far off in the deep end that they are drowning and cannot help themselves.

Yes, that's a difficult thing to negotiate. I think the OP's priority has to be her own health, but I wouldn't advise entirely cutting him off, either, unless a really drastic method of self preservation for the OP.

The focus needs to be getting him professional help for the mental health/addiction issues. The OP is not equipped to do that helping herself, but yes could refer or suggest sectioning if it's bad enough.

I'm sorry OP but your son is playing you. He sounds very manipulative. You need to step back and let him take responsibility for his life. If that means taking his own life, then so be it. You need to distance yourself from him.

He won't take his own life. He's been threatening to for years but has not even made an attempt.

*Why have you continually bailed him out?

Setting him up in an apartment "for the third time in 2 years" is just ridiculous. You're enabling his shit behaviour and attitude*

Sorry but this^

What was/is his relationship with his father like ? Have you pandered to him because you feel/felt bad that he doesn't have a father figure ?

Again - sorry but you've pretty much bought him to this day. No, you didn't force the drugs/lifestyle on him but you have funded and funded and pandered and pandered and he has manipulated and manipulated you.

(Assuming this thread is not a troll/an almighty wind up)

Friends son applied for the Royal Marines, he had to put on weight, so has been eating and taking protein shakes doing weights, in other words doing everything expected of him just to apply. They really do not take anyone.

I would ignore your son as my friend had to do, she went tough love. 25 years later her 50 year old is a successful person and thanks her for cutting him off.

You call your son, your beloved son, and so he is, but it will be quite impossible to get into his weed addled brain,and get him to realise.that he has caused this morbid ,and cruel way of thinking for years.

I knew a man many years ago, who was much the same. It was all woe is me kind of thing, and he was horrible, to all those who loved him, and tried to advise him about his troublesome thoughts.

This said man was a lodger in my house for a while,and had no incentive to do any work,but generally rambled on about how pointless his life was,and nobody helped him out. I at the time, put him in touch with somebody to give him a job,but he only lasted three weeks in it, just enough time,to earn some money,to blow on more weed.

I don;t know what happened to this lodger man,as I eventually moved house,and never saw him again.

Mix, excellent and accurate post.

You've done everything you can do for him. Time to let him sink or swim on his own.

known a few of these. You're partner's right, you need to remove his safety net (within reason) so he can grow the fuck up. They always do.

He could actually have been accepted into the royal marines. They're willing to accept past soft drug use (as long as its in the past) and theres a time period for you to get up to fitness. The hard part is the training which only a minority get through.

He tells me he is going to one of his mates (one of his mates who has a ‘proper’ mother).

I know that woman - she is "everybody else's mother" - the one who lets them drink whisky at age 12, and stay out all night at age 13, and gives them as much money as they ask for to enjoy themselves on a school trip.

If you get to meet her, punch her in the throat from me, will you?

MissDew You asked questions the OP has already answers and then say "sorry but you've pretty much bought him to this day."

Not sure how you come to the conclusion that this is the OP's fault. She has tried to help him.

OP I hope some of this thread has helped you. But whatever you do, help yourself. You ate worth it.