Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

How will counselling eliminate my financial issues? And my mental issues are related to my financial issues?

He wants money. You need to tell him that you are not going to give him another bean. Tell him the only money you're willing to part with, is for counselling.

It stops here. No more money.
be very careful he doesn't come & just steal from you.
He is not homeless, or he can go & squat at one of his friends.
When he has nothing left to gamble or smoke, he will have to get a job.
or accept he has to go to the doctor, get professional help with people who know about addiction. at that point only, you reconsider any kind of implication
Grey rock him now...

Absolutely everything @DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh said is spot on. Please listen. I don’t know how you will find the strength to do it but if you can, MAKING him grow up and start taking responsibility for himself you might just set him on the right path and lead to a happier life for both of you in the long run.

I know I'm just saying what others have said, but:

Your son actually believes that his problems are financial (external) and not a result of his behaviour (internal).

He needs to change his thinking before he can get better.

He needs to develop a mature, adult outlook on life. He is currently thinking like a child.

Picking up the pieces won't help.

Think of your daughter.

I think your efforts are best spent on helping yourself to healthily detach from the situation, and let him learn to be an adult.

Go to Families Anonymous.

I was in the same position as your daughter, my parents both obsessively focussed on siblings drink/drug use. They damaged themselves, and missed very important things in my life because of their false belief they could fix the problems by making them see sense.

I was perceived to be ok, sensible and coping, but I was really suffering inside and was not able to show it.

I wish you very well, and please join the 12 step group. I'm sure you would v learn a lot.

What now?

Email back - 'your financial issues are largely due to your spending vast amounts on drugs and gambling, so I would suggest that you stop both of those. If, as you say, your mental state is purely due to financial issues, you will begin to feel better immediately upon cessation. Your sense of powerlessness over this concerns me and I feel that having more control over your situation and life would be extremely beneficial. To that effect, I have given notice on the flat and I suggest that you use the next x weeks to secure alternative accommodation, for which I will not be acting as guarantor.

As I am sure this will not be the answer you had anticipated, I am also attaching some relevant documentation from x council in relation to securing a rental property, a number of gambling charities, debt advisory services and the local alcohol & drugs service. In addition, if your mental state continues to trouble you, the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day on 116 213 and is free from all UK mobiles and landlines.

I love you very much and am deeply sorry you are unhappy with your life. However, despite all our considerable efforts to date, we have been unable to improve your emotional health, which leads me to think that to continue in the way we have been for x years is only doing you a disservice and I strongly urge you to consider seeking assistance from experienced professionals.'

He is blackmailing you. As almost all addicts, whether of drugs, alcohol or gambling do. And constantly rescuing them doesn't help - it harms them. He doesn't want to change, he doesn't see why he should have to change when all he has to do is turn up the heat on you for a bit longer. He's angry when you resist, hence the threats to his own life - he knows you love him and what would be the worst thing in your mind to happen. But the kindest, most loving thing you could do is not to give him more money, not to try to make all the problems in his life go away (as he would still be the same if he were a billionaire's adult child, the gambling stakes would just be higher and the drugs more expensive) and to give him the opportunity, no matter how much he kicks and screams and stamps his feet, to have no choice but to take responsibility for his own choices and actions.

Your thread title is very misleading. Anyone would think you did it to create traffic....

He isn't "considering" anything of the sort, he made an idle threat to emotionally blackmail you.

Even though he's your son, the best favour you can do for him would be to stop propping him up with handouts and let him sink. It will be the making of him, it's often the only way to make people like him grow up and take responsibility.

daisychain01 - no of course I didn't! I had no idea it would create so many responses, for which I am grateful.

Your comments, though harsh, are reassuring because you're saying he isn't likely to do anything stupid, so that lifts me.

I won't be propping him up anymore, I simply can't. It's not fair on me and my partner to use our hard-earned funds for his 'whims'.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas to you. Please send the email suggested by Mitzik. This young man has been making you miserable for long enough. It is plain how much you love him, sadly it doesn’t seem that this is returned, or he could not use you in this way. And I have no idea why some respondents are so mean..

It sounds like your son has serious battles with mental illness. From what you describe I would think a psychiatrist would be the best person to help him and then a psychologist or counselor to help him process his pain and help him live a more purposeful life with serious bouts of what you describe. But you can only do this and get the full benefit when you take responsibility and stop blaming others.

You sound like you’ve really tried to support him and be there for him but also enabled him. Stop letting him manipulate you. Be firm.

When people say 'money doesnt makebyou happy' this is the sort of person they mean.

Not having financial issues makes me happy. But it doesnt mean that, that's all there is to happiness.

He is the alot of person that thinks if he had money all his problems would go away. They woilent because he is an addict. If he won the lottery he would squander it on drugs and gambling. Before then he woild know his loney has limits on what he can do and still think he deserved more. Just because. The win wouldn't be enough.

He wont accept that money wont solve all his problems. Because the other options mean hard work. To get mentally well, he needs to put in hard work, face up to some brutal truths. He doesnt want to do that.

Its eaiser to believe that money will fix everything.

But honestly, he had no intention of going to counselling. He hadnt even seriously contemplated dignitas. He has only though of ways to get more money from you.

Dear OP, I hadn't realised son had claimed he had made the counselling appointment himself. That makes much more sense now. As I said previously the issues are in my mind...

1. Addiction to cannabis. Used from an age where the brain is forming.

There will be services in your area to help with this

1. MH issues. These may be fairly easily treatable with medication and avoiding drug use. Also basic things such as sleeping and eating well.
2. Your previous actions have inadvertently played into the addicts hands.
3. Your isolation/desperation/need to maintain a professional and demanding job.

I would very very strongly suggest you GET SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF

People kill themselves over money troubles (perceived or real) every day. Debt or other financial trouble is a known risk factor for suicide. In fact, suicide rates go up noticeably with every economic crash or crisis.

In addition, those with alcohol or drug addictions are 2-3 times more likely to complete suicide than those with no addiction/substance abuse.

I would not be so sure he won’t do anything stupid simply because he’s asking for money and views it as a solution to his troubles.

He needs professional psychiatric help in addition to any counselling or a therapist and detox.

you're saying he isn't likely to do anything stupid, so that lifts me.

I can only say based on experience that someone who makes threats "for years" (your words) about taking their life are highly unlikely to take action. Even more unlikely your DS asking you for the money to go to Dignitas. Surely you can see it is ludicrous.

Although you mean well, and deep down you care about your DS, you have allowed him to manipulate you by guilting you into giving him funds and letting him get away with behaviour that he should have grown out of when he transitioned into adulthood, instead you have someone who cannot cope because he is massively dependent on you for pretty much everything. I may sound harsh, but unraveling this amount of dysfunction will take a very long time, and is best done is a clear , unambiguous and strong manner. "No I do not have the money to give you" "No I won't tolerate you not considering my feelings and needs". If you do it gently or gradually, he won't get it, and he will find other ways to manipulate you. Speaking from personal experience!

I hope you manage to find a resolution. Sounds like you have a very supportive Partner which helps.

As an adult you cannot force him to get help, either with counselling or drying-out. If something, heaven forbid, were to happen, you cannot hold yourself responsible in any way, even though he is your DS. It is 100% his ownership. The fact he's placing such a burden on you shows how selfish he is. His 'bad' not yours.

What do you think of going to a 12 step group op?

I would not be so sure he won’t do anything stupid simply because he’s asking for money and views it as a solution to his troubles. perhaps. But if he does then it is not the OP’s responsibility, as hard as that is. The OP cannot keep giving him money just in case he actually follows through on his threat to commit suicide. If he is suicidal then he will end his life regardless of whether he is being given money or not.

OP, I had a quick skim through previous posts, and I see that your ex was also a gambling waster. Is your DS in contact with this fine specimen by any chance?

OP please don't blame yourself. As a parent, none of us are perfect - we can only do the best we can - and it sounds like you made solid, mindful decisions about your parenting so don't feel guilty. Please ensure you get support for yourself and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas

My family is in a similar situation.

My DB smokes weed (since a teen) and gambles. He's also bitter about not having a rich family to provide the things my mother and I have both worked for (he has dropped out of college and jobs numerous times).

He emotionally manipulates our mum and he's stolen money off her. She'll very soon be a pensioner living on the state pension as he has bled her dry - he knows this but continues asking her for money. I've told my mum to cut him off, but then she says he'll never speak to her again. She keeps hoping he'll change but he's late 20s and has been like this for years...

I know it's painful for you because he's your son, but I'm another one that thinks it's time for some tough love and to stop any enabling otherwise he'll just continue his behaviour. You've done everything you can for him, and it's time he fended for himself. Most of us aren't born into families that gift flats and cars and he has to learn that if you want those things, then you have to work and budget for them. If he refuses to see a GP, counsellor or attend addict meetings, then I'm not sure what else you can do for him. You could reassure him he's loved but that he's not a child anymore, and you can't continue to financially support another adult.

I really hope things improve for you. It sounds from this thread that there's quite a lot of people in the same situation so I hope the support here has been of some comfort and help to you.

We have someone like this in our family. The mother will not say no, ever. Over the years she has become so defined by being his saviour that their relationship has become a wholly toxic codependency, and her friends and extended family are drifting away. It’s really sad, but had she not enabled him for 30 years she wouldn’t be in this position.

My friends Mum had a terminal illness which was very progressive.

She had a serious look into going to Switzerland to end her life.

It would have cost around £40k.

Your Son has clearly not researched this. I very much doubt he wants to take his own life. I agree with other posters that the weed s a huge factor.

Have you looked into getting some counselling for you. To try and help you disengage to a degree.

@desertorchid558

How was Christmas? How are you doing?

You need to tell your son that you will not be giving him any more cash, he's clearly having a major adverse effect on your own mental health, and it's not helping anyone... Just because you love someone, doesn't necessarily mean you like them, and clearly no-one would like his manipulative behaviour...

Christmas came & went, heard nothing from DS, he went to his paternal grandparents where his sister and dad went too. His dad actually rang me and sympathised with me for what DS is putting me through saying it's unacceptable & I don't deserve it...that's a first, he doesn't usually get involved.
I've had to stop myself texting DS many times, I am fearful of a nasty upsetting response. Protecting myself I guess.

I feel wiped put, fearful still that he may be depressed but semi-relieved that I've created a change, with the support of everyone on this site, to the pattern of this toxic relationship.

It's very sad but I don't think I had another choice. I can only hope he makes changes to his life & gets the help he needs.

Also, I had a lot of discussions with my DD & partner yesterday- yes I know, on Christmas day!- who both said they were really proud of me for taking firm stance.
I also found out today (but told no-one) that he got the £200 deposit that I lent him, returned last week but failed to pass it on to me despite me telling him I needed it.
I suspect he's also sold the £300 tv I bought him two weeks ago, gosh I feel a mug. He did the same in the past with a Playstation & XBox, taking them to the pawn shop...
I know he must be gambling heavily & it years me apart that he cannot find it in himself to stop it.
Last time I did see him he taunted me that he was going to give up his job & grow weed...
I feel like running away :((

Well done for taking this important step OP.

May you have a much more positive New Year.