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Original poster

Please help, son is considering euthanasia

359 replies

DesertOrchid558 · 23/12/2019 01:31

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

OP posts:
whonoes · 23/12/2019 15:04

Wow. Tell him to go work for a charity or volunteer at a homeless shelter. He needs a dose of the reality that some people live

hifolks · 23/12/2019 15:25

He is ill and he is an addict and the OP and her family are enabling.

GP, now.

Original poster
DesertOrchid558 · 23/12/2019 16:15

Ok everyone, thanks again.
I moved fast today - called a very understanding male counsellor (don't know why I specified male it was just chance), had a chat about things. He said it was a possibility for schizophrenia but was happy to take my son on for sessions.
Emailed son, very factual and direct saying 'contact this guy, I have spoken to him and he may be able to help you deal with your feelings of helplessness and frustration, I will pay' .
Within 7 minutes I had received an email from my son in return to say 'I've contacted him and am seeing him tomorrow'.

This has been a real breakthrough and I'm hoping it could be the start of a recovery for him. I will not fund any more he will have to find his own way through life, but I WILL pay for counselling, I think that's the most helpful gift I can give him.

Thank you all again. x

OP posts:
Tetran · 23/12/2019 16:18

I'm surprised he managed to get an appointment Christmas Eve, and so quickly even if private. Are you going to be paying the counsellor directly rather than giving the money to your son, I hope?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/12/2019 16:52

fortunately we have addressed this and spoken at length about it and I have assured her that I love her dearly

Assurances are easy. Do you spend half the night awake over your DD's worries and problems? Are you there listening whenever she feels a bit unhappy? Or has she learned that she is "strong" like you so she must just get on with it? Do you spend as much time and money on her behalf as you do on your son? Because she needs your resources just as much as he does. She does not need your assurances that you love her. She needs you to stop enabling her brother at her expense. Otherwise no matter what you say, your actions are that you care about him and take her for granted.

Tessabelle74 · 23/12/2019 16:54

Whilst I understand he's your son and you feel you need to help him, what you're actually doing is facilitating him. Stop giving him money, stop bailing him out, stop being a guarantor for him when you KNOW he'll never pay the rent. This is a situation where you need to be cruel to be kind. Cut him off. He can't get to Switzerland without your money even if they would help a perfectly healthy person to kill themselves

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 23/12/2019 17:29

People who feel like life is not worth living, have you considered getting some help for low level depression?

I've seen 3 counsellors - they did help me to not feel like total shit, but it never stopped me thinking that most of work/life is pointless. I don't drink alcohol or do drugs, it's just what I've always thought. Before anyone retorts with "volunteer with unfortunate people to see how shit other people have it!" - I do.

Good luck with the psychiatrist - he needs professional help for sure.

AlternativePerspective · 23/12/2019 17:39

Mental health is used far too much as a get-out for behaviour.

Perhaps he has MH issues, but that doesn’t excuse the way he treats you. Perhaps he is an addict, but that doesn’t make it ok. As for telling the OP she needs to look at herself, I find it interesting that a lot of people who have issues always make it someone else’s fault. Yes, sometimes people have issues stemming from their childhoods, but as adults they and they alone are responsible for how they deal with those issues. Where do we draw the line? Someone kills someone but they couldn’t help it because they had a shit upbringing? Someone abuses someone but they were abused as a child and so it’s sad for them?

As sad as it is that people sometimes have bad upbringings, there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for the way you deal with the fallout from that upbringing.

OP, you’re a lot better person than I am, because I would seriously have lost my shit with him by now and he’d be out there on his own. Truth is that if he actually did want to commit suicide he would do so regardless of how much money you gave him.

I am dubious as to this appointment with a counsellor tomorrow. If he’s a decent counsellor I’d be surprised if he could fit someone in at such short notice. Has your son asked you for the money to pay him? If so I would ring the counsellor first and check that your DS has contacted him and then pay him directly. But I suspect that this is just another way for him to get money out of you.

hifolks · 23/12/2019 17:43

If he’s a decent counsellor I’d be surprised if he could fit someone in at such short notice

hope this person is BACP registered?

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 17:51

People who feel like life is not worth living, have you considered getting some help for low level depression?

I would suggest that a conviction that "life is not worth living" is a bit more that 'low level depression'

Milquetoaster · 23/12/2019 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 23/12/2019 18:14

Sounds positive, OP, well done.

Just a note of caution - it may get worse before it gets better.

MaButterface · 23/12/2019 18:23

I'm sorry but your son is a dick, especially to put you in your current situation.

Twat. Dick. Cunt. I know it's not what you want to hear and you can't help loving this little dick. But my god, even reading your OP makes me so angry. You sound like a caring mom and I wish he'd grow up and sort himself out.

GabsAlot · 23/12/2019 18:24

good news maybe pay the counsellor dirctly so your son knows your serious about this

WombOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 18:40

Sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder. Look it up, OP, see if it resonates. The gambling, the unspeakably vile to you, the believing the world owes him something...it's all there, and the substance addiction too.

BuckingFrolics · 23/12/2019 18:44

That!update was good to read OP and fingers crossed he sticks with it. The fact your son was so quick to act, shows how desperate he too is feeling, imo. Your son is behaving in shockingly bad ways, but he is worthy of love and compassion and support. Now, you might want to find a source of compassion and support for yourself who is not in the family and who will be unequivocally there for you, so you can continue to help your son. He's lucky to have you as his DM, good luck

foodandwine89 · 23/12/2019 19:05

Pay the counselor directly, OP, please.

Nanamilly · 23/12/2019 19:09

I moved fast today - called a very understanding male counsellor (don't know why I specified male it was just chance), had a chat about things. He said it was a possibility for schizophrenia but was happy to take my son on for sessions

Really?

So what kind of counsellor would that be?

hifolks · 23/12/2019 19:11

Oh God, feel stupid now. Have I been taken for a fool? Again?

carly2803 · 23/12/2019 19:15

stop enabling him(ive readpage 1only)

hes using you entirely to fund his life

cut him off

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/12/2019 19:17

Would a counsellor really say that someone sounded schizophrenic? If they even suspected that, I'd expect them to recommend a psychiatrist since they themselves are unqualified to either diagnose or treat such a serious illness.

Devereux1 · 23/12/2019 19:18

a very understanding male counsellor (don't know why I specified male it was just chance), had a chat about things. He said it was a possibility for schizophrenia

A counsellor shouldn't be inferring, even remotely, a diagnosis for schizophrenia. That's a diagnosis only for a psychiatrist to make.

I'm shocked.

yellowallpaper · 23/12/2019 19:29

Stop enabling him. He is being awful and manipulative, but you know that already.

Give him no more money. He has to start taking responsibility. I'd be raging at him, but deeply saddened.

springydaff · 23/12/2019 20:04

Go to Al-anon. Really, go to al-anon. It isn't just for those close to an alcoholic but due those close to an addict. Your son is an addict.

And go to famanon if you can.

My heart goes out to you. But he, or the disease, will utterly destroy you. There is simply nothing you can do to stop him. The only thing you can do is find strategies to protect yourself. Otherwise you are addicted to him, which doesn't help anybody.

hifolks · 23/12/2019 20:10

Was it a proper BACP registered counsellor?