Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

Surely they don’t just let anyone do it?

Can you really just fly to Switzerland and say let me have the drink?

Fr0g "I would suggest that a conviction that "life is not worth living" is a bit more that 'low level depression'" Not necessarily, some would say they have no depression and just see the world as it is.

So sorry to read this, OP. My cousin has been going thru similar with her son. Heart breaking. x

Mental illness is not incompatible with being a manipulative selfish shit. That's what mental illness can be like. It can make you turn into the worst possible version of yourself. They can't help it. Still an awful person.

My only tuppence to OP is that you allowed to decide what to do on grounds of protecting your own mental health. Whatever those actions are. It's not being selfish & heartless to do what you have to to keep your own sanity.

OP so did he tell you he’d spoken to the counsellor and would be seeing him tomorrow? Because if so then you’ve been taken for a mug.

Yep you're right, he's cancelled already, dont know where to go from here :(

What did you think of links, above re al-anon and famanon?

Nowhere. You go nowhere. You stay with your oh, you spend time with your dd, and you enjoy your Christmas.

You leave your ds to his own devices. You do not get your cheque book out, you do not sub him for anything, you do nothing that you haven't already planned to do.

What you do is "grey rock."

"That's nice, dear."

There was an episode on the first season of Intervention that dealt with a guy like this, his parents had lost their house trying to pay off his gambling debts and he was still gambling away any money he found in his hands while screaming at his mother to pay for closing his bank accounts.

In the end the show did call in some experts and demanded he go to treatment, he hinted that he would kill himself but the expert called his bluff and he did go to treatment. When they followed up a year later he seemed to be doing better, and so were his parents.

I think you can find the episode on amazon, it might be worth seeing how the expert handled the situation. It's series 1, Gabe and Vanessa episode.

No. What you do is give notice on his tenancy.

Well I did contact counsellor and say I would pay directly immediately after each session...but my son has since cancelled ..emailing me to say 'How will counselling eliminate my financial issues? And my mental issues are related to my financial issues?"
What to do now?

He hasn't 'cancelled' his counselling session, OP, he lied about booking it in the first place. How likely is it that he was able to contact a counsellor and book a session for the following day on the spot at any time of year, let alone this one?

He's in the habit of lying to you, which is one reason to think his Swiss plans are pure fantasy, too, and try to dial back your panic. When a young man truly did go this route a little while back, it made news around the world. His life had become a burden to him after being paralysed by a sporting injury. Even then there was much to and fro before he was accepted. It's never just a matter of making a booking and hopping on a one-way flight.

Yes he's made a mess, yes he's probably depressed but he's also feeding you lies to manipulate you emotionally and financially.

Keep pushing for him to book a real appointment, and when you pay for it, pay the counsellor directly and check them out thoroughly - don't be transferring funds to an account whose details you only got from your son!

Tell him counselling will help him tackle the behaviours that lead to his financial problems that in turn make him feel rubbish about himself and his life!

your not understanding - you cannot buy his way out of his position ..
you are chucking money at a possible solution again..
trying to sort out his problems... let him be an adult..
you found/paid that counsellor... he did nothing except cancel -

just stop.... the answer is thats a shame .. have a nice christmas - you do nothing...
anything that happens HE has to do it...

“Nowhere. You go nowhere. You stay with your oh, you spend time with your dd, and you enjoy your Christmas.

You leave your ds to his own devices. You do not get your cheque book out, you do not sub him for anything, you do nothing that you haven't already planned to do.”

This.

Nowhere. You go nowhere. You stay with your oh, you spend time with your dd, and you enjoy your Christmas. You leave your ds to his own devices. You do not get your cheque book out, you do not sub him for anything, you do nothing that you haven't already planned to do.

made it bold

He feels that because other people in the family are wealthy then they somehow ‘owe’ it to even up the fairness so his situation reflects his cousins’ more favourable situations

But he has been given a lot and it is not enough and he has squandered it all.

He needs to get over the fact some people are born into wealth and some people are born into poverty.

I am old enough to have seen some people in his cousins position who have squandered great wealth and opportunity and I have seen people who have had childhoods in complete poverty and started out with the clothes they stood up in and without a roof over their heads become multi millionaires

Equally I have seen people like your son who decide the world is against them and they can’t get a job on £40k per year so they might as well not bother.

They stay on benefits bemoaning the fact life has dealt them a harsh hand and 30-40 years later life has past them by but the conversation is still the same.

Most people around them have moved on and the people left are the others who have the same outlook. They feed off each other and because they have people around them agreeing with them then in their eyes there isn’t anything to change as others confirm daily that their life is shit and it is everyone else’s fault

He needs to understand if he wants to make something of himself and put him on the same level or wealthier than his cousins then he needs to get out to work doing anything and everything and start banking his money till he spots an opening for a business idea or go back to college to qualify in something that will bring him in an income.

Only he can change himself, no one else can.

Equally he needs to tackle his addiction to weed, gambling

How will counselling eliminate my financial issues? And my mental issues are related to my financial issues

Everything is connected.

If he didn’t smoke weed he wouldn’t have gotten depressed then he wouldn’t have gambled all his rent money to make him feel better which has led to him losing everything so he smokes weed to make himself feel better but it makes him depressed etc etc.

He needs to understand it is a circle and one thing relies on something else to keep the circle going

Atm it might feel in the moment that he is getting a release by acting out destructive behaviour but it has to dawn on him that ultimately he is still unhappy and he can only do that when he has hit bottom

Until he breaks the circle he will just spiral down and down.

That video of that Gabe bloke is shocking. It was a child having tantrum after tantrum in a man’s body. It was almost as if he had a learning disability of some sort.

I know it's not the only issue here OP but just to confirm that a Dignitas appointment takes weeks/months to set up. You need to complete a lengthy form to join (which costs money), and then get confirmation of your situation from a doctor. Dignitas then consider the context (generally one of terminal illness, they don't just let you come along because you are depressed) and get back to you once their medical people have made a decision. Then there's a further payment and then you book your stay, arrange flights etc. So there's no way on earth this threat is real.
I do hope you can be strong enough to break free of your son's abusive behaviour.

You really sound like you are in such a panic when your son well and truly sounds like a spoilt brat throwing a temper tantrum! He's manipulating you now like he has the majority of his supposed adult life-gamble away the rent money,waste it all on marijuana and mommy will rush in to rescue me-now he's threatening to go sign up for euthanasia? I am in no way minimizing anyone with suicidal tendencies or mental health issues which sounds far different than what your son truly is doing here-being a total loser

The more you “help” the less he’ll help himself. Cut all ties, he doesn’t sound like a nice person.

Unfortunately I think OP is far too enmeshed in the situation to put a stop to it after one thread on MN, but I hope for your sake that you do OP. Having a hissy fit then asking you to fund his flight to Dignitas is so ridiculous it doesn’t even deserve a response.

Op, if he really wanted to be dead, money wouldn't stop him, nothing would. If he really didn't want to be here, he wouldn't. Simple.
He is just using it as emotional blackmail, which is bloody awful! And not fair on you!

He obviously has issues, and needs help, but not what he's saying. He obviously feels entitled and wants attention. And if you keep giving in he will never feel the need to get help and improve himself. Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is stay away, limit yourself! You are not a bad mother for cutting him off.

He sounds a bit like my heroin addict brother. Utterly selfish, self pitying and lazy. Nice as pie when he wants something and a right git once he's got it.

You need to do some tough love and tell him no. The world doesn't owe him a living other people have to work to earn so what makes him so special.

Although my mum can be soft and I know she's lent him a lot of money over the years she can also be tough and tells him when his behaviour is wrong (he then acts like a 5 year old) so he knows she won't give him any money for drugs and has been heroin free for about three years now. I'm pretty sure if my mum had kept giving him money he would still be taking it.

For yourself and your son you need to say no! It's not the complete solution I'm afraid. My bother is 51 still doesn't work is still self pitying and selfish but I think that's just him, drugs or no drugs.

Oh please stop funding him. My nan did this with my uncle. Now she's worried how he will cope when she passed away. He lives rent free and gambles his wages on the horses. She told him to call me when he needs help after her death... Thanks nan