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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

179 replies

AHappyCow · 22/12/2019 07:42

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

OP posts:
PianoTuner567 · 22/12/2019 07:45

If they don’t like you, why are you chasing around trying to arrange something with them? Sort your own Xmas Day out and if you’re feeling generous, tell them they’re welcome at X o’clock and get on with it.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 22/12/2019 07:47

I would leave them to it tbh. Sort out your Xmas day and yes, let them know if they can come round in the afternoon or something, but they don’t sound particularly joyful.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 22/12/2019 07:47

If they don't like you, I really would not bother with them at all, if I were you.
Why would you invest your time in people who dislike you?
do you own thing this year and let them go to hell

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2019 07:47

Just buy in some food for a Christmas meal and if dh says anything just say "since you hadn't arranged anything then I'm cooking here for me and the dc. You are welcome to join us"

coconutpie · 22/12/2019 07:48

You've got a DH problem. It's 3 days to Christmas. - I would organise your dinner to be at home at this stage.

Foghead · 22/12/2019 07:48

Yes totally do your own thing.
I would never bother with people who I knew didn’t like me.
It seems that neither your dh or Mil are particularly bothered either.

Just organise stuff for yourself and what you want.

Mumdiva99 · 22/12/2019 07:48

I have this with bil and family. They have obviously decided bil must make plans with his brother. But in our house I manage the diary. So I attempt to sort things and it's all buggered up by them trying to find a date with my husband or not replying to me but replying to him. He's shite at anything like that, has no understanding of the rest of the diary commitments as it's my department and it just leads to frustration all around. I would be tempted to just do your own thing......I always end up persevering for our kids sake. But inevitably there is always stress around it. So frustrating because in our family you just pick up the phone....fancy doing this? Yes or no....

Tinty · 22/12/2019 07:48

Just have a lovely Christmas at home. Go and buy all the food today and if they say tomorrow that they told Dh that you were going to theirs for Christmas it is too late.

Original poster
AHappyCow · 22/12/2019 07:50

@Mumdiva99 so you have the same problem? Why do they do this?

OP posts:
SquashedFlyBiscuit · 22/12/2019 07:51

It sounds like you havent planned xmas at home which I would do as a matter of course if Id not be asked if we could do anything else. Id just ceack on, not sure why the wait to see if mil wants to do soemthing. Maybe she's waiting for an invitation or doesnt parricularly want to host either. Who knows. Just get on with it and perhaps arrange to see inlaws at some point.

user1493413286 · 22/12/2019 07:53

I communicate directly with mil for the same reason and if she did that it’d drive me crazy. I’d just plan your own Christmas and if mil gets upset because it’s not what she arranged with your DH then that’s their problem. It’s frustrating because a grown man should be able to organise things but for me DH will leave it to the last minute and the anxiety it causes me isn’t worth it

Cosmos45 · 22/12/2019 07:54

Create a family whatsapp group do everyone is in the loop and nothing can be miscommunicated and simply state as above you are doing Xmas lunch and they need to let you know by the end of play today whether they are coming or not (so you can provide for them). If no answer go ahead with just your own family.

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2019 07:54

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! !! A bowl of crisps for Xmas? Don't rely on these idiots. Go food shopping and arrange your own Xmas at home.
If anyone protests just say well you wouldn't discuss it with me so I made my own plans. Be rude. After all they are being rude to you.

Original poster
AHappyCow · 22/12/2019 07:54

@SquashedFlyBiscuit I do have food, etc so we can just have Christmas at home.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 22/12/2019 07:54

Don't rely on either of them and sort your own thing out. You don't want another bowl of crisps, so be prepared this time :) forewarned is forearmed as they say

Waffles80 · 22/12/2019 07:55

Surely as a grown up you can organise your own Christmas? Having crisps for Christmas dinner because your MIL didn’t magically produce a Christmas for you suggests to me that you like to martyr yourself.

ElluesPichulobu · 22/12/2019 07:57

oddly we have almost the reverse problem, which I put down to MILs fundamental sexism in assuming that her DS (ie my DH) shouldn't have to bother about the trivialities of emotional labour and wifework involved in this planning. so she tries to liaise with me on everything.

however dH is actually pretty competent and understands and agrees that emotional labour and wifework should actually be split 50:50 (he has been known to exclaim mid-task "but this is complicated and boring! surely there must be some category of person who likes doing boring things that I can make do it!") so when MIL phones me to ask what DC want etc I say "oh {dh} is managing the list and keeping track of what has been got, can you talk to him" and he does all the organising of travel arrangements and gifts for his side of the family etc.

in your situation your dh is being deliberately incompetent in order to avoid the emotional labour and wifework. that is not on. he needs to step up.

Rose789 · 22/12/2019 07:58

It’s 3 days until Christmas. If pil haven’t issues an invitation weeks ago you are not invited.
Have dinner at home and a lovely time

Daisydoola · 22/12/2019 07:59

Stay at home and don't plan for them to be there.

But you know we need to bowl of crisp story, right?

Parker231 · 22/12/2019 08:00

Does your DH have a job? If he can do his job why isn’t he able to let his DM know what toys his DC’s would like? He sounds lazy to avoid having to do anything.

IHateBlueLights · 22/12/2019 08:01

Have a lovely Christmas at home, OP.

Marnie76 · 22/12/2019 08:01

The only food you had in the house was crisps. Yeah right.

MsVestibule · 22/12/2019 08:03

Come on, a bowl of crisps for Christmas dinner? No bread, sandwich fillings, ready meals, eggs, beans etc? You seriously didn't think on the morning of 24 December, 'hmm, I don't know what's happening here, I'd better pop to the supermarket/corner shop and buy some special food in?

I understand why you'd be annoyed with the lack of arrangements at this stage, but please stop being such a doormat and martyr.

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2019 08:03

Have Christmas at home
Your dh is incompetent, how hard is it? Why are all the manbabies coming out at christmas?

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 22/12/2019 08:05

Yes, of course you should just do Christmas at yours. If you haven't been invited elsewhere, that is the default Xmas Smile! At least you have food and some time to plan this time.