MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

[AHappyCow]

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

I need to know more about this crisps on Christmas Day story .
Yabu if you expect you in-laws to liaise with you . Sort your own dinner and they can do theirs or are they waiting for a invite from you ?

Why on earth are you assuming you are going to PIL.

They don’t like you so why do you want to go there? Why have you even mentioned it, sent txt, are remotely bothered about communication.

Just get on planning your Xmas dinner at home.

Found this a very odd post.

I want to know the crisps story!

@madcatladyforever I feel I should explain the bowl of crisps thing...

I was alone with the DC as DH was working overseas. It appeared from what I’d heard that PIL had other plans for Christmas so our neighbours very kindly asked us over for Christmas Day. Literally on Christmas Eve, MIL called me to ask what time we were coming over on Christmas Day. I explained about the neighbours and not wanting to let them down, so we agreed to go over to PIL for a few hours then go to the neighbours.

So we spent a few hours on Christmas morning at PIL. They didn’t offer us even a drink or something to eat, nothing. Then early afternoon we went to the neighbours. Unfortunately they were all by now blind drunk and all the food was gone. The only thing left to eat was a bowl of crisps, so the kids had those and I had nothing.

Not one of our best Christmases .

I’d be addressing this with MIL

“Hi MIL, since it’s been left so late we’re going to do our own Christmas at home. DH mentioned you had called him but can’t recall details and has no idea what’s going on. In future can you please respond directly to me to make plans with us. DH finds it overwhelming and it causes more problems than it solves. Thanks”

DH was skilled enough to work and live overseas but apparently too “useless” at relationships and domestics to think about what his DC might like gor xmas or to communicate with you or his other family about arrangements.

Pathetic. And you’ve enabled this.

Sounds like the best plan at this point is for you to have Christmas at home.

@Dozer I would be furious if DH organised anything without consulting me. I run the household. This has always been the division of labour within our household.

I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas
Why not have a conversation? - Passively inviting your family to hers by sending a text sounds rude TBH. Have a conversation with your husband about what you're doing as a family?

Suggesting that it's your husband fault that his mother didnt reply to your self-invite is peculiar.

@Fr0g, it’s not DH’s fault.

Doesn’t mean it’s a good way. Facilitated men can be hard to live with or even be around IME.

If you run things, run them! Organise the xmas that suits you and the DC, and inform DH and MiL.

Your story about a past xmas doesn’t put any of the adults in a good light, including you. If the ILs were such poor hosts why are you returning there for another round?

I would assume you hadn't been invited or DH doesn't want to go. Crack on with your own Christmas. If mil says anything just explain that you assumed you were not invited as DH hadn't mentioned anything and didn't respond to any of your questions on the subject.

Just me who's astounded by these pathetic and pointless DH's?

You don't like them, they don't like you. Why go you even want to spend Christmas Day with them? I get that you may want your DCs to see their grandparents, but is it really worth all this angst? I presume you're at least well into your 20s, so I really don't understand how this happens year after year. Surely you just decide to have Christmas at home? Am I missing some weird dynamic here?

Bowl of crisps for dinner. Is that one in the MN Christmas bingo thread?

Stop chasing your crap in laws and eat your own meal at home - perhaps you could “forget” to cater for DH. When he asks where his meal is just say “dunno.”

Mils cant win can they. They try and organise things through their dil, they are wrong. Try and organise things through their son, they are wrong.

Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

This isnt relevant, at all.

please call and get some answers out of her.

Fuck them, I'd arrange Christmas at home and arrange accordingly. If anyone says different tell them you have them until the 23rd to sort something, didn't hear anything so you sorted it.

Phone her and try and have a conversation with her. She might be annoyed at your DH lack of communication too. But feels like she cant talk to you.

What? Why on Earth are you waiting for these dipsticks to get their act together? Just organise your own Christmas dinner and your own Christmas Day at home and let your useless husband and his useless parents get on with their own shit.

I wouldn’t even bother chasing after her, desperately trying to get answers while she fucks about.
I’d do my own Xmas in my home, relaxed and pleasant atmosphere, no spending time with people that hate me

Why not just do what you want?

Do your own thing and when you’re contacted late in the day, say you can’t take plans into consideration that you don’t know about. Most importantly, don’t change your plans.

Even the crisp story doesn't make sense. PIL don't even offer you a drink (surely you'd at least ask them to give your children a drink?), your neighbours are so hammered by early afternoon that they've eaten all the food (really? Who's actually finished their Christmas dinner and all treat food by 1pm?) and you have absolutely nothing in your house to cook instead?

I'm getting a bit frustrated just reading this! Are you this passive in every aspect of your life?

It absolutely IS your DH’s fault - you’re giving him a get out of jail free card for being useless because he has a penis. If you need to spend Christmas with PIL then he can pull his finger out and arrange it, otherwise you do your own thing.