MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

[AHappyCow]

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

I don’t understand this. It sounds to me as though MIL is tired of doing Christmas, if she wanted to do it she would have it organised. She is possibly hoping for an invite elsewhere and not being expected to host.

So at the beginning of November you plan your own Christmas and tell the PIL that you need to know whether they will join you by the beginning of December.

On the 1st December you tell them that unless they confirm either way by the end of the day you will assume they have made their own arrangements.

This whole process takes ten minutes.

Stop waiting for these people, make your own plans, and tell them what you are doing.

I've just never heard of anyone not sure what's happening 3 days to Christmas especially if have dc .
Op you are far from organised, glad you are sorted now though . Hope it's a good one .

This is exactly how my DH and inlaws are. I make my own plans and then fit them around that. My family start organising days together by September as there are so many of us and we all have hectic jobs. Just do that, totally cuts the stress.

Cut the OP some slack, you miserable bunch. Seriously, who amongst us would have been sure to get in the full makings of Christmas dinner when they had been invited to dine at someone else's? Hardly her fault they decided to eat and get ridiculously drunk early when they knew they had another family coming over. And OP certainly learned from that mistake! (Note that she did feed the family later on, just not Christmas dinner. Nobody starved.)

As for MIL, DH has made it reasonably clear by the sound of it that he believes she should talk to his wife to organise things but he should by now have worked out that she simply isn't going to, so it must be time for Plan B (the one where they... talk to each other?). He does sound like a bit of a wet lettuce, but perhaps his mother is difficult to deal with - a woman who refuses to speak directly to her DIL to make arrangements for Christmas can't be all sweetness and light, I think that's a given. And he was brought up by her, which is not that easy to just overcome.

I can't see what OP has done wrong other than letting the in-laws' foot dragging go on until it's nearly too late. There appears to be a passive-aggressive dynamic here whereby MIL likes to keep her offspring on standby, or perhaps just loathes her DIL so much that she doesn't care if Christmas goes all to pot, grandkids and all, just so long as she doesn't have to interact with her directly. I can't think of anyone in my whole life who I've disliked that much - and I have an extensive list of people I don't like. If you've gotta talk to them, you've gotta.

But really, DH needs to say "You have to ask AHappyCow about that", and actually pass the phone over, or speak to MIL when Happy is present and actually ask her stuff, and relay the message, before putting the phone down. Why can't that happen? The man holds down a job (presumably, since working abroad has been mentioned). He must be able to communicate with human beings in general. If his mother is that awkward then let her be the one to do the festering, while Happy & co do the Christmas at home thing.

Frustrating. I'd just crack on with christmas at home. Your mother in law hasn't invited YOU, as in, communication addressed to you. Your H hasn't passed on any reliable message that you're invited over for food on Christmas day.

Thanks all, have spoken to DH

Well done. But I can’t believe the subject of what you’re all doing for Christmas hasn’t cropped up before now tbh.

Why did you wait until page 4 to decide to speak to your own husband when you “run the household” and agree your own plans when you know PIL are flaky?

Why would you not have done that before?
Cannot see the point of this thread at all!
A vent rant about you having planned it and now them wanting to charge things or get involved, yes. But if you “run the household” you don’t run it very well if it took a MN thread on the 22nd to get you off your arse to make a simple decision!

DH’s assumed uselessness is also an attempt to get MIL to liaise directly with me, as he knows it hurts me being shut out.

This isn't working. So he and you need to try something different from now on.

OP you are engaging in a psychological game in this situation. You all have your roles: DH acts useless and pretends to be on your side by stonewalling his mum when she asks him for info; your PILs won't communicate with you and allow your DH's stonewalling to drag out so no plans are made; and you assume you have the role of ultimate boss/organiser who is martyred every year because no-one recognises you in this role. You ALL participate in this scenario/game, every time.

You can't force anyone else change their role in the drama but you CAN stop the game by being the one to behave differently. So if you don't enjoy the current setup/game (I'm being charitable saying you don't because clearly part of you does to keep playing your role) - change things up.

There are many ways you could do things differently which would stop this tired game in its tracks. It would mean you giving up your self-designated role as boss/ keeper of information who prepares to martyr herself in this particular scenario. Worth thinking about?

This is such a weird thread.

• wanting to spend Christmas with PIL that don't like you
• having such a useless partner they can't even pass on a message (definitely think your DH is putting on his faux inability)
• using partners faux inability to get MIL to talk to you. Newsflash: if she doesn't like you, she'll never talk to you
• you being the head of the household yet completely unable to arrange Christmas with you and other people

You really aren't organised. I'd count myself as disorganised yet I've still sorted the Christmas dinner shop, wrapped all the gifts, made plans to see family members on set days, etc. Leaving plans until now is daft.

Glad you're going your own Xmas though. I wouldn't bother with PIL again.

😂😂 this is hilarious.

OP you are not "ridiculously organised". In fact all of the people I know already know what they are doing for Christmas Day. Because it's 3 days away.

Most have bought their food. You are seriously disorganised, I don't blame MIL for avoiding you.

You are seriously disorganised, I don't blame MIL for avoiding you.

What a horribly spiteful thing to say. Your post has made me cry. I’m in a foreign country with no friends or family around (except PIL) and I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation. We always had wonderful Christmases when we were at home, either mum or me would host at our respective houses, we’d enjoy weeks of planning and drinks and shopping trips and it was a lovely time of year. Now we’re alone and haven’t seen our family for years and are trapped in this lonely hell.

Thanks for your compassion. Hiding this thread now.

If someone was playing games with me and sending passive aggressive texts inviting me to fall into a trap then yes, I'd avoid them.

No spite here. Why wouldn't you have just invited her directly for Christmas dinner well in advance if that's what you wanted?

Cut the OP some slack, you miserable bunch.
Agreed! She’s just trying to preserve a rocky family unit.
Of course for some on Mumsnet, your immediate family is all that matters. I don’t find this to be true in real life.

It sounds like this is about a lot more than Christmas given your last post. Fuck off the in laws and have your own Christmas from now on. Will you be staying there long term or can you come home at some point as you sound very unhappy.

Mumsnet does its worst again. Congratulations to everyone with their catty comments, I do hope you feel proud making someone feel like shit.

You are seriously disorganised, I don't blame MIL for avoiding you.

Yes how DARE the OP not psychically know what MIL has planned when MIL won’t talk to her, what a cow

I’ve had several Christmases where I haven’t known until Christmas bloody Eve who’s actually coming or not. There’s only so far that ‘being organised’ will get you when it comes to other people.

Yes how DARE the OP not psychically know what MIL has planned when MIL won’t talk to her, what a cow

No, she knows nothing gets sorted. Being super organised she would have just organised her own family, regardless of pil, Rather than sitting back waiting, knowing whata going to happen.

OP, why would you move abroad from your own family, when your dh will still work away, leaving you with no one but your pil. Who you dont really get on with?

And how have you not organised to go home for trips or to live, permanently?

Some really nasty people on this thread.
Season of goodwill and peace on earth and all that.
Ill bet all you spiteful keyboard warriors berating the OP would never be so mean if it were to someone's face.

Have a lovely Christmas OP. I'm glad you got it sorted. Next time just organise your own Christmas and invite PILs. Sounds like a massive mission otherwise.

Ill bet all you spiteful keyboard warriors berating the OP would never be so mean if it were to someone's face.

While I agree with your sentiment and that the op has had some, frankly, weirdly OTT, unpleasant posts, you have to ask yourself why YOU resorted to name calling "spiteful keyboard warriors"? Just a thought.

It's just that some people love to shout on the internet. Whether you're defending the op or having a go at her, you're still online, being unpleasant to strangers, to whom you probably wouldn't be if the conversation happened IRL.

Only saying this because you brought it up you see. I definitely say things in confidence on here that I wouldn't want to IRL and I don't think it's a bad thing. It's the main attraction of MN, that it's anonymous! Otherwise I'd be on FB.

But you're absolutely right, that we could all probably be a bit kinder, on here and IRL.

FWIW, I only made one post on here btw and it was (I think) reasonably pleasant and supportive. So I'm not defending myself with this^^, just making an observation.

What an awful situation the op seems to be in though. She isn't reading anymore, but I hope she sorts things out soon. Stuck on her own with PILs, who she says don't like her, in a country she doesn't know, while her DH works overseas. Awful.

There are some seriously horrible people on this thread

While I agree with your sentiment and that the op has had some, frankly, weirdly OTT, unpleasant posts, you have to ask yourself why YOU resorted to name calling "spiteful keyboard warriors"? Just a thought.

I didn't resort to anything. There were people being spiteful, and "keyboard warriors" is a term used to describe people behind a computer/phone screen. Saying things that they would never say in real life in a face to face interaction. It's not an insult, it's an observation.

I run the household

So you’re unhappy that he hasn’t organised something yet unhappy that you then have to organise it? I’m confused. And do you live in the 1950s? Just have Christmas Day at home and tell the mil she can come round at x time to see the dc.

Oh, so now the drip feed when basically everyone points out that you are very disorganised. I asked about your mum, you didn't answer. You wait until now to tell us you are in a foreign country, which is a vital point. And we are to believe all this. You come on here, acting the martyr, claiming you 'run the household' and here comes the waterworks when you were roundly called out. Seriously, woman up and and own up to being unreasonable and disorganised, you will get more respect for that than being petulant and running off.