MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

[AHappyCow]

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

How passive aggressive this all seems! Can’t see what your mother in law has done wrong except want to speak to her son rather than you. My MIL primarily talks to my husband because she’s his mother. But basically you’re blaming her for the fact neither you nor your husband have had a discussion together about what you want to do and then arranged to do it. No one except you both is to blame for that. Ditto the crisps incident. So random!

What a fucking storm in a teacup.

Is every high day this much of a drama?

Fucks sake. If you are perfectly happy with a useless dh, organise Christmas yourself at your house.

The crisp story is ridiculous. Just floating around people and how they want Christmas. Surely you knew the neigh ours well enough to know they would be pussed early, if not, why would you go to them at Christmas not knowing what to expect.

I don't get why, knowing this would happen, you didnt just organise Christmas day at home.

You dont sound organised. You sound passive.

I can’t believe you allow a disorganised, incompetent man who responds ‘dunno’ to every question to have a passport and travel abroad for work. How does he survive?

This

Easy solution to a ridiculous pantomime. Now do that every year, establish Boxing day as a time for relatives, and please start modelling what a positive family unit looks like for your children.

That's the best option, AHappyCow, and it should be your default plan for every year. You don't have a good relationship with your inlaws, so I wouldn't ever plan to spend Christmas Day with them. Even if the did actually invite you I'd decline and tell them you might pop round on Boxing Day (or let your husband pop round with the kids and you stay home enjoying the peace, and the chocolates!)

I just wouldn't ever factor them into your plans at all. We stay at home on Christmas Day. We don't go out, and nobody comes in!! Boxing Day we visit my parents and another day go to inlaws. I love it. And don't have this hassle of trying to figure out who's doing what when!

and please start modelling what a positive family unit looks like for your children.

Oh dear god, calm down. How dramatic!

What bizarre posts from you, OP. All this stuff about how organised you are yet all the evidence from you that indicates the exact opposite.

Why are you waiting around wondering what's happening with the PIL?
Of course you should do your own thing.

Thanks all, have spoken to DH and we’re going to have a lovely Christmas at home, just us and the DC. If PIL want to pop by, they can, but our 3pm Christmas Day lunch is set in stone now.

This is definitely the best approach. My family are useless at communicating around things like Christmas too and I've long since given up on any plans that need other people agreeing to. Tried to host Christmas at ours at a couple of years ago and gave up because it was like pulling teeth to get anything back past "having a think about it". Easiest to just plan for yourselves and let them know they're welcome to drop by (if they are!)

Both you and your DH sound insufferable, I think PIL have the right idea avoiding.

There is no need for you to be hostile OP, I am far from the only poster who has pointed out your state of confusion. Your own posts show you had no idea what was happening at that Christmas you described. You were relying on everyone else instead of taking charge. Having a Christmas at home (the best way imo) should have been the only decision you made, but it has taken you until now. You don't seem to actually want to take charge and seem to look to your DH, your MIL, anyone else, to make decisions. You know your PIL don't like you so you obviously won't be spending Christmas day with them; that's a given. So it's taken you until today, a few days before Christmas day, to work out what you are doing? You need to work on your organisation skills. Who cares what the PIL do for Christmas. That is completely irrelevant and not your business. You obviously don't have that type of relationship with them. I suspect that your MIL is asking her your DH as she feels you are disorganised, rightly so, considering what you've told us. Though she obviously does not want to host you.
I would have thought you'd know that by now, so what you organise for your Christmas, is your business.

What bizarre posts from you, OP. All this stuff about how organised you are yet all the evidence from you that indicates the exact opposite.*

Exactly, Laughterisbest

Well, thank goodness you actually spoke to your husband and sorted it out between you. Really, it is the only way to make a marriage work - communication is key!

I had a PA XH. If I asked him what the arrangements were for any particular event, he would say 'dunno' too, but he knew very well what they were, he just didn't want to tell ME.

So I would say, 'OK then, if nothing's been arranged, we can do X' and he would mumble and grumble but let me make tentative arrangements to do X, then come out a day beforehand and say 'oh, we've been asked to go to my parents, take a turkey, meet up with BIL and SIL, travel to Aunt xxx's house for tea and then stay overnight with xxxx, it's all sorted'.

He did it to control me. So I was always on the back foot and never knew whether I should organise something or not. He's an ex for lots of reasons, but that was one. Any chance that this is a huge control situation between your DH and MIL?

Jesus Christ op stop being so passive. It's three days before Christmas, run out and get a turkey crown and some veg and crackers, you're having Christmas at home, with or without your useless lump of a DH

No, thestrangestthing just weary of listening to children talk about all the weird shit that goes on in their family, the adult squabbling and arguments, the confusion, the crap food choices, the whole mess.
I’ve often thought that many children’s problems would be solved by a change of parents.

It's 3 days until Christmas and you don't know what you are doing, but you still think you might be spending it with people who don't like you? Sorry but you sound as useless as he is/they are. What a load of crap.

You dont sound organised. You sound passive.

Yes, Scarsthelot

I’m not sure why you’re bothering so much with people who don’t like you. Just do your own thing, I’m amazed you didn’t after the year spent eating crisps for Christmas dinner .

'Organised' you ain't Op

And for everyone concerned about this, we did eventually get a cab home from drunk neighbours (we’re semi rural) and eat at home, although it wasn’t Christmas dinner as I hadn’t anticipated for how badly the day was going to pan out.

You got a cab on Xmas day? After having already been to your in laws? Was that also by cab?! How bizarre.

If the OP's in-laws have a habit of vaguely hinting about Christmas but waiting until the last possible minute before saying "when are you coming over?" I can see how she's got into this situation. You don't want to piss them off at Christmas but you can't get a straight answer out of them and so you wait twiddling your thumbs.

Still, best move is just to sort yourselves out. If they then say "but how awful, we had planned to have you all over for Christmas, we've bought massive amounts of food and everything!", tell them you hadn't heard from them so you went ahead with your own plans, but they're welcome to stop by and/or you'll go round to theirs on Boxing Day.

My family are still useless about communication and planning, but it affects me much less now that I'm happy to go "okay then, they're still being vague so we're planning our own thing."

This is one of the most frustrating threads I've ever read on MN. How can you claim to be organised yet not know what you are doing on Christmas Day, when you have kids, 3 days before Christmas?

You do realise that other families have arranged this weeks if not months ago? This is not normal. Personally I'd completely factor our your PILs from any of your family plans going forward.

So you had a conversation with your dh and decided to do Christmas at home? Bloody hell that was hard wasn't it, your poor bloody kids, if there are any..crisps my arse.

OP you're definitely not organised or the organiser. Otherwise the dinner arrangements would have been firmed up by now. Plus the fact you've been stung before on Christmas Day leads me to wonder why you've left it so late and almost put yourself in the same position again.

I think you and your DH need to do some teamwork in future.