MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

[AHappyCow]

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

If you are so great at organising and that is your 'job' then why haven't you organised an alternative way to spend Christmas ie. at home? Why would you want to spend the day with people that don't like you very much and those that wouldn't even offer their grandchildren a drink much less you? I would be going shopping myself and expecting to have a lovely Christmas with my own family. If they ring to ask where you are explain that as noone, including your dh had communicated any plans to you, you assumed that in laws would not be hosting and had cooked yourself. Invite them over to yours if you are feeling hospitable.

I don't understand. Why do you care about MIL organises for Christmas? She doesn't want to spend Christmas day with you, so why aren't you organising your own Christmas? Tbh you sound like the disorganised one, leaving it up to anyone and everyone else, and then not having anything at all to eat. Why haven't you arranged, if you run the household, the meat, the dinner, etc what you are going to cook etc. You sound quite disorganised yourself. If you supposedly run the household, why haven't you already got started on what you are cooking? I think you are far more disorganised than DH and MIL put together. Your children had no Christmas dinner because at every step you assumed you would be eating at this place or that place without actually checking. You really don't seem to know whats going on or what you're doing. Can you not cook? Maybe your husband should take over that way your kids would actually have something to eat on Christmas day. I note you don't mention your own parents?

DH’s assumed uselessness is also an attempt to get MIL to liaise directly with me, as he knows it hurts me being shut out. “Dunno, ask HappyCow.” is his attempt to get her to talk to me.

And for everyone concerned about this, we did eventually get a cab home from drunk neighbours (we’re semi rural) and eat at home, although it wasn’t Christmas dinner as I hadn’t anticipated for how badly the day was going to pan out.

You say you "run the household" OP.

That includes making plans for Xmas day - you know the limitations of your DH, you need to take responsibility and just call your PILs directly.

Your MIL isn't the problem here. Your DH is saying 'dunno' to his mother because he knows that you'd be furious if he gave a response. OP, it sounds like you're a control freak but you're trying to hide it. Own it!

Organise your own Xmas meal at home every single year. Stop relying on your PIL to do it.

Then you’ll know what’s happening. Even if there’s vague talk of maybe going somewhere else like your PIL’s, ignore it and, if appropriate, visit on another day. You can’t rely on them to host you.

Your DH sounds totally disinterested. If he’s no help re presents for the DC, then your MIL will have to text you anyway. Or, pre-empt all that and text her present ideas yourself before she asks.

The crisps story is absurd, I don't think any of the behaviour by any of the adults in that story is in any way normal, including yourself.

So, you were invited round to Christmas lunch by your neighbours. Surely a time was established? It either was, and you didn't get there on time, which is beyond rude of you. Or, it wasn't, which is weird, and then they ate everything before you got there? Everything in the house?!? Why didn't you say, ok we'll pop home for some lunch and do some pasta from the cupboard of something? Or ask them to? Really strange.
For the crisps saga, if you popped round after breakfast to pils , and we're going out for lunch, then they're not going to offer food particularly are they?!? A drink, yes, maybe a biscuit. But I don't think they're in the wrong here.

Here's what I'd do: pick up my phone and ring mother in law! But we actually get on really well, if you feel like your mother in law doesn't like you very much, then I wouldn't bother.

Go and get all your food in for Christmas, then send them a clear concise text, making it clear that you will be having Christmas at your own house, and they are welcome to pop by for lunch or drinks at some point in the day.

Out of interest, have you ever hosted them for Christmas? Maybe they are peed off at being expected to provide your dinner every year?

Contact each other via a group WhatsApp so everyone is included.

Ugh! Your DH sounds awful!
He doesn't Know what his own children want for Xmas?

Perhaps his mother is attempting to encourage him to take some responsibility for his own life - why don’t you do the same?
Or if that’s so unbearable, pick up the phone and speak directly to your in laws rather than blaming them for your husband’s lazy incompetence.

You don't need to feel "shut out".

Just phone them. Or if it's that hard, phone them together with DH - put them on speakerphone so you can both have the conversation together.

@SarahNade You’ve got it completely wrong. I am extremely well-organised which is why I get so upset and frustrated. I also love cooking and (used to) love Christmas. I just want a happy family Christmas. It’s all very sad.

Sorry for the harsh tone of my post, but you really don't seem to know what is going on and appear to be in a constant state of confusion, instead of just organising your family's Christmas dinner.

Then start organising what you will cook for Christmas, what desserts you'll have, go pick up the nibblies and drinks etc.

OP please could you tell us why you won't phone your PILs?

Then organise the xmas you want!

And be realistic about your in laws.

You sound immature and pathetic, from my first Christmas in my own home, I made plans, either I invited guests to join me or discussed sensibly who was hosting? I can’t image a grown adult, with children, just waiting passively to see what happens. Buy your turkey, read your cook books and get on with it, if you want to see family, issue an invitation.

I would be furious if DH organised anything without consulting me. I run the household. This has always been the division of labour within our household.
Actually you sound awful, controlling and infantilising your DH.

So basically you’ve decided that your DH is not allowed to make any plans with his own parents and are now having a tantrum that nothing is organised because you’ve decided that you must be in charge? I’m Not surprised they don’t like you very much.
I expect that you get the Christmas you deserve

@SarahNade I think it’s you who’s confused. You are obviously not reading my posts properly and are instead putting your own spin on them.

I would be furious if DH organised anything without consulting me. I run the household. This has always been the division of labour within our household.

I knew this will come. This is the reason why he is saying "i dunno"...
Most of the "useless DHs" I met irl were actually not really useless. Just resigned🤷 Very capable men who manage number of people and projects but "Ugh, he just can't do this right" which actually means "He doesn't do it exactly like I wanted it".

You are an adult. You were not issued an invitation. Cook at home.

And you call him ‘useless’ yet say you’d be ‘furious’ if he actually did arrange anything.
Nice.

There is really weird dynamic and
I think ur frustrated at not having control of the household. Your hubby seems frozen into inaction caught between his mother and his wife. Ugh.

Thanks all, have spoken to DH and we’re going to have a lovely Christmas at home, just us and the DC. If PIL want to pop by, they can, but our 3pm Christmas Day lunch is set in stone now.

To answer your original question, YANBU to do your own thing. YABU to have left it so long and pussy footed around everything and everyone.

Why are you so desperate to spend Christmas with someone who doesn’t like you? You can have your happy Christmas at home with your husband and kids. You are the one making yourself sad.