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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying to organise Xmas with useless DH rather than me

179 replies

AHappyCow · 22/12/2019 07:42

OK, no offence to DH, he’s loyal and a hard worker and loves us to bits. But he’s hopeless when it comes to organising anything, which is why I do it all. As of now, I have no idea what we’re doing for Xmas. I am assuming we’re spending it with PIL. I sent MIL a text a couple of weeks ago to initiate a conversation about Xmas. She said she’d give it some thought but I never heard back.

Instead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.

This lack of communication has happened in the past. Two Christmasses ago we ended up having just a bowl of crisps for our Christmas dinner. Long story, but again down to PIL’s lack of communication. If I ask MIL a question, she’ll give her answer to DH. He’ll then forget, or things will get messed up because he doesn’t know our plans, etc etc.

AIBU to just say fuck them and we’ll do our own thing? I know PIL don’t like me (they don’t like anyone to be fair), but I shouldn’t have to chase them whilst being ignored.

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 22/12/2019 08:28

You sound a bit of a martyr. Buy food. Get your husband to take the kids to their grandparents for a couple of hours. Cook dinner. You’re great a lot of unnecessary drama.

2 years ago you sent a mixed message to your PIL...could you have asked them to make something for you to eat.

If I arrived at the neighbours & there was no food I would have gone home & made food.

All drama for no reason.

mymadworld · 22/12/2019 08:28

@nakedavengeragain staggering isn't it ! And it always seems to be those men who hold positions of power at work that are the most incapable - I do sometimes feel like it's 1950's when I read these threads Confused

ConstanceL · 22/12/2019 08:29

I would be furious if DH organised anything without consulting me. I run the household. This has always been the division of labour within our household.
Bloody hell - no wonder he is 'useless' if you have never let him have any say in the running of the household. I honestly don't see what is wrong with a mother communicating with their own child. When your DC are grown up do you plan to only communicate with them through their partners. YABVU!

Somebodystired · 22/12/2019 08:30

For someone who insists they'd be furious if their DH organised anything (extreme Hmm) because you run the household, you're not running it very well if you havent got a clue what you're doing for Christmas by 22nd December.

I dont understand why you're waiting for an invite to your ILs and havent just assumed you are having Christmas at home?

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 22/12/2019 08:31

my mil organises through dh who is useless and he always asks me straight after she texts him. why not use your husband's phone to text mil to see what's happening, if she won't respond to you use his phone and get an answer on what's going on.

in future set up an Amazon wish list, DH can direct her to that (that's what mine does)

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 22/12/2019 08:31

Of course it’s your husbands fault he’s a useless fecker. Who else’s fault is it? Confused

MissSueFlay · 22/12/2019 08:32

I would have Christmas at home and cook enough for your family and in-laws.
Let them know what time you'll be serving up. If they don't turn up you'll have plenty of leftovers for Boxing Day.

You are aware of everyone else's incompetence (although it sounds like passive aggression on the part of your PILs to me). Plan around it.

countdowntochristmas · 22/12/2019 08:33

Yeah the crisp story doesn't make sense . Do you not like to cook or get any food in ?
Fuck that if I went to anyone's at Christmas and no food or drink I'd go home and sort something out not let my kids eat crisps on Christmas Day .
Is there more to this story that your in-laws think you expect to be invited for dinner every year and you never offer to host ?

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 22/12/2019 08:33

I would be furious if DH organised anything without consulting me. I run the household. This has always been the division of labour within our household.

Although I have just seen this so actually that might explain it a little Hmm

Sweetpea55 · 22/12/2019 08:37

If as you say, you run the household then your not doing such a good job of it. I'd be ashamed to let my kids just eat crisps on any day not just Christmas

PinkSquash · 22/12/2019 08:37

Do Christmas at yours and invite your PIL. Easy.

There's no need for this drama, and get your DH involved as your set up clearly doesn't work.

Karwomannghia · 22/12/2019 08:40

if Cooking is the issue you can buy a lot of it pre prepared and ready to go in the oven. Be decisive. Say to dh you’ll have Xmas dinner at home and he can take the kids to the in-laws in the afternoon and that’s the plan.

TheNavigator · 22/12/2019 08:40

Your DH is acting like a useless twat and your enabling it. Stop blaming your in laws for your DH not bothering his arse about his family at xmas and work on decent communication in your marriage, it is plainly sadly lacking at the moment. You will never make the long haul if you can't be a team.

TuppenceDarling · 22/12/2019 08:42

Maybe MIL doesn’t think that running Xmas and all arrangements should be wifework?

Wilmalovescake · 22/12/2019 08:42

FFS. Go out today and buy everything for a proper Christmas dinner. Cook it on the 25th!!! Your in laws can come round or not.

Your poor kids two years ago. Their Dad was away and their Mum dragged them round to all and sundry before they ended up Sharing a bowl of crisps in a room of drunk adults? You’re their Mother. Grow up and sort out their Christmas.

TheWinterCaillech · 22/12/2019 08:44

I can’t believe you allow a disorganised, incompetent man who responds ‘dunno’ to every question to have a passport and travel abroad for work. How does he survive?

itgetshardereveryday · 22/12/2019 08:45

Your DH sounds pathetic.
Your in-laws don't seem to want to host you all for Christmas and that's fine. Do Christmas in your own house.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/12/2019 08:47

Why would you even want to spend Christmas with someone who doesn't like you anyway?

TheWinterCaillech · 22/12/2019 08:48

Oh, and I wouldn’t have an issue with the general disfunction of your partnership if you didn’t have children. But you do, and they are seeing this as their norm.

NewName73 · 22/12/2019 08:49

Just be the bigger person and pick up the phone to the PIL and ask them what their plans are.

It's not that hard.

nakedavengeragain · 22/12/2019 08:49

*nstead she called DH yesterday to ask him what the plans were, what the DC wanted for Xmas, etc. he replied “dunno” to every question. I thought she might then call me but she hasn’t.
*
So you thought you'd blame a woman for your pathetic husbands spectacular incompetence?

Saddler · 22/12/2019 08:49

Take control, tell DH what you're doing and leave it at that.

MarthasGinYard · 22/12/2019 08:50

I don't know what you are waiting around for TBH?

Are you expecting to go there to eat?

HugoSpritz · 22/12/2019 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/12/2019 08:51

This whole situation is really weird. If there are no plans now why assume you are invited to PIL and why do you have such low expectations of DH? Do you go to work with him to organize him? Do you get him dressed in the morning and ask if he's wiped his arse?

For the sake of the kids buy a bloody turkey and make your own plans for a Christmas dinner.