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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he was leaving 2 hours ago

186 replies

Whentheleavesfalldown · 22/12/2019 05:21

His works do last night, ended up going into town. His phone's flat, also with my brother so text me off his phone.
Text at 3 to say he's coming home just getting food first.
Two hours later, no where to be seen, brother hasn't replied or picked up my calls.
No food or taxi transactions on his card (joint account), club shut at 3.
This isn't like him at all, but we have had trust issues with drugs in the past but i thought that was all behind us.
Where the fuck would he be? No idea what to do. Part of me thinks he would have thought to walk home if the wait for a taxi was long, but it would take an hour to walk back home.
I have never ever suspected or thought he would cheat on me, but it's 5 in the morning and he's still not back? Or what if he's been attacked and is laying half dead somewhere?
Christ. If i didn't have 8 month old DS asleep, I'd be driving round searching the streets for him!
Any advice on what to do?? If anyones awake :(

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 22/12/2019 12:09

@CandlelightAndStars

The OP's situation is completely different.

You and your boyfriend dont even live together

The OP has a small baby and she was worried about him.

He should of let her know, and has now ruined the whole day today as well...

I would be annoyed too!!!

gingersausage · 22/12/2019 12:14

Is he getting it for free? If you keep such a tight rein in the bank account how have you not noticed the money going out for drugs? Hmm

mencken · 22/12/2019 12:23

the drip feed is that he is a druggie. A weekly user, supporter of county lines, knife crimes, gangs and cuckooking. A pointless waste who puts all his money up his nose. It's a lot more than a night out with a brickphone that goes flat in hours.

so sorry, OP.

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 12:26

If he is using cocaine, get out of that relationship. I think you read you have a daughter? You don't want to bring her up into that nightmare. I would not think twice. You are in a toxic environment and there will be lots more toxic, selfish behaviour. He is also chucking your money down the drain on a potentially very expensive addition.

CandlelightAndStars · 22/12/2019 13:02

DecemberSnow

Maybe, but there was a time when I was also married and had young babies and I still didn't worry about my then husband's ability to survive a night out.

There is nothing worse, when you are trying to enjoy yourself, than having to 'check in' to an over worried partner who can't even give you a night to yourself.

I know that. Because I've been there too!

andyjusthangingaround · 22/12/2019 13:12

@Whentheleavesfalldown

  1. get him a power bank for Christmas (and nothing else)
  2. enable find my phone next time Make him sweat (if he is at home safe and sound, just been an idiot!)
Twinklelikethechristmastree · 22/12/2019 13:36

@velocitygirl7 she was worried about him. That's why she checked the statements. I mean come on give the op a break!

Perid0t · 22/12/2019 13:39

My husband did this a few times pre kids. I told him if he did it again not to come home. He didn’t. It’s disrespectful and not fair on you when you are clearly worried. However I also understand when drunk you just don’t think of anyone else.

YellowSubmarine94 · 22/12/2019 13:59

Can't people how many people think the OP is being unreasonable.

Oh wait. Yeah I can... This IS Mumsnet after all Hmm

Minky35 · 22/12/2019 14:09

That slightly changes things OP. Being druggy and unrealisable are poor attributes for a father. Are you happy with this OP?

Minky35 · 22/12/2019 14:09

Unreliable

StinkyXmasCheese · 22/12/2019 14:15

Kick him out! I wouldn't allow anyone around my children who are on drugs, he is not safe. Tell him once he's proven he's clean and reliable then you can readdress the situation.
The shock should make him take stock.
Thanks

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2019 14:18

This is who he is, stop expecting him to ba responsible because he isn’t. You need to accept that this is your past and future with this man and if you don’t want it to be, then you need stop being available to be crapped on.

The balls in your court not his because he clearly doesn’t give a sh**.

ChristmasFluff · 22/12/2019 14:20

It's almost as if drunken people are not liable to get in all sorts of trouble from being easy pickings for muggers, to stumbling in front of cars, or getting into fights. Stupid OP, daring to worry about her significant other and be frantic about his whereabouts!

Honestly, I don't get the way some people think. It isn't that she is controlling, it's that she was worried out of her mind when her partner wasn't home until morning, after saying he would be two hours.

And yes, I've got drunk, lost track of time or whatever. But no, my phone has never run out of charge (because I deliberately charge it before nights out), and yes, I always get in touch to keep my loved ones up to date with what is going on. Because even ayt moy drunkest moments, I don't want them to worry. It's called empathy, and appears to be sadly lacking in the likes of OP's partner.

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 22/12/2019 14:38
Flowers
Nanny0gg · 22/12/2019 15:12

There have been trust issues with previous drug use, and as it happens he admitted to me this morning he has been using cocaine weekly for months now. My head is a mess

Blimey! How much has that been costing? And has he been working/driving/child caring under the influence?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2019 15:17

I think the drug use and dishonesty would have me asking him to leave. Is it a deal breaker for you OP?

OwlinaTree · 22/12/2019 15:20

Had the op said he's taken drugs on this occasion?

OwlinaTree · 22/12/2019 15:21

Sorry I missed that post op.

Nat6999 · 22/12/2019 15:45

I would be hoovering round the bedroom very loudly, slamming the hoover against the bed. What an idiot to not even have the sense to let you know where he was. Don't give him any sympathy for his hangover & let him grovel for a couple of days, he is really in the doghouse for this.

tomatobread · 22/12/2019 16:01

I'm sorry op. That's really shit.

AiryFairyMum · 22/12/2019 16:04

What's he said since? How are you feeling?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 22/12/2019 17:19

I think the responses depend on whether you have done this yourself or not.
Neither DH nor I have ever stayed out all night without warning, but both of us have got more drunk than intended (although not for many years), even since we had the children.
I've had to stay in bed most of the day with a hangover a couple of times, while DH did all the child care.
I'd have been livid if he vacuumed round and deliberately disturbed me.
But we are talking a handful of times each in the 20+ years we've been together. Every week would be very different.
And I'd be furious if DH was checking the bank account while I was out with friends. That's very controlling.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/12/2019 17:50

Controlling?
Ops partner told her he’d be home soon and never went home.
I’m sure op wouldn’t have minded if he said he was staying out.

The issue is the disrespectfulness of not going home and being uncontacfable- it creates worry. It is not in.

Going out all night and getting a state- every once in a while is fine. But ffs- don’t not go home without saying so.

Winterwoollies · 22/12/2019 18:02

@deydododatdodontdeydo it’s controlling to be panicked when your OH said he was a minute away, then fucked off to an after party and switched his phone off, leaving himself uncontactable for the remainder of the night? She has a small baby. He told some epic lies and vanished. You’d be ok with that, would you? You’re one of those ‘cool wives’ who doesn’t mind her husband doing shit like this, are you? Or perhaps your husband wouldn’t do this and so perhaps being judgy about the OP isn’t very kind or helpful.