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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he was leaving 2 hours ago

186 replies

Whentheleavesfalldown · 22/12/2019 05:21

His works do last night, ended up going into town. His phone's flat, also with my brother so text me off his phone.
Text at 3 to say he's coming home just getting food first.
Two hours later, no where to be seen, brother hasn't replied or picked up my calls.
No food or taxi transactions on his card (joint account), club shut at 3.
This isn't like him at all, but we have had trust issues with drugs in the past but i thought that was all behind us.
Where the fuck would he be? No idea what to do. Part of me thinks he would have thought to walk home if the wait for a taxi was long, but it would take an hour to walk back home.
I have never ever suspected or thought he would cheat on me, but it's 5 in the morning and he's still not back? Or what if he's been attacked and is laying half dead somewhere?
Christ. If i didn't have 8 month old DS asleep, I'd be driving round searching the streets for him!
Any advice on what to do?? If anyones awake :(

OP posts:
Sleepthiefismyfavourite · 22/12/2019 08:28

What a twat Angry

OhioOhioOhio · 22/12/2019 08:29

Another fleeting moment where I'm happy I'm single. What a pig.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/12/2019 08:33

Definitely go about your day and if it includes anything noisy and he complains, just respond "tough shit mate, you brought it on yourself!"

Chosennonetosurvive · 22/12/2019 08:33

He's been a selfish dick! Go and do something bice with DC and leave him to it, he'll be useless for the day. Then think about how to play it. You could explain that you're due a full night out so organising a big night out with hotel stay and friends asap.

Or you could make it clear that if he wants to behave like a single bloke, fine, but he can't have his cake and eat it it so grow the fuck up!
I have done both and then DH finally realised he needed to stop being a dick.

LittleDragonGirl · 22/12/2019 08:37

I totally get how you feel. I feel exactly the same as my DH is a nightmare for saying oh I wont be back late/back by this time then not turning up till hours later.
First i wouldn't worry too much if hes with your brother, unless there's a reason you wouldn't trust your brother?
Secondly, I wouldn't argue while hes drunk, I refuse to discuss or argue over serious matters while either person is drunk as it gets you absolutely no where. Wait till hes sober then explain to him how it made you feel "I feel like..", "I felt...." so you avoid attacking him and take away his ability to get defence as you cant be mad at someone for having feelings.
Does he enjoy a good night out? My issue with Dh I found was exasperated because I don't think and don't enjoy going out but he LOVES a good night out and getting absolutely hammered, so when he goes out which is rare, he tends to over do it, and people hes with tend to buy him.drinks as they don't see him on a night out often, but because it's not that often it's not embedded in him to update me with where he is what time hell be back, as a pp said hell say hell be back soon and then not turn up for hours as someone else had suggested keeping the drinking going (house party or other clubs). I hope you manage to have a talk about once hes sobered up OP. It really is absolutely horrible to go through

GertrudeCB · 22/12/2019 08:37

Well it's not great but I'd see what he says when he has slept it off.
DH once slept in the front garden after a works xmas night out - first and last time he had done shots. No harm no foul.

SmellMySmellbow · 22/12/2019 08:38

Time to start hoovering. Special attention to skirting board areas. What a selfish knob.

Icanflyhigh · 22/12/2019 08:49

It was a works do, he was with your brother?
Don't let this ruin your Christmas.

MongerTruffle · 22/12/2019 08:54

Can't tell you why...but I'm pretty sure "presumptions" is wrong in this context.
Assumptions are based on evidence. Presumptions are not.

FrivolousPancake · 22/12/2019 08:59

These threads give me that reminder knot in my stomach from years of Ex pulling this shit.

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2019 09:01

I hope you've put towels down an a bowl next to him...

Straycatstrut · 22/12/2019 09:10

Yeah my ex pulled this shit all the time. I spent full nights up worrying about him (he'd stumble home by himself). I am so glad I don't have to put up with it anymore.

I hope he's okay but it's completely unfair on you. He'll be out of action for a long time now too.

adaline · 22/12/2019 09:22

Isn’t it time you did the vacuuming and rearranged all the pots and pans???

Would you want to be treated like that after a night out?

DickDewy · 22/12/2019 09:23

What a selfish dick.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2019 09:30

Would you want to be treated like that after a night out?

I wouldn’t get in such a state I wasn’t able to show my partner the merest hint of respect.

I imagine later the husband will be revoltingly hungover (which let’s face it is never attractive), expect to check out of family life and then be in a mood when OP dares to comment.

rainbowstardrops · 22/12/2019 09:34

Would you want to be treated like that after a night out

If I rolled in at 8am I'd think I bloody deserved it!
He's a selfish arse.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2019 09:36

The only other place that would have been open in the town he's in is the strip club, but no transactions and i know he doesn't have any cash on him!

Sorry but I'm going to judge. An adult out for the night carrying no cash, no phone power, how inept is that. What does it take to make sure you have a bank card, phone charged and a note, either £10 or £20 at the very least. These threads are an eye opener how people lack the most basic common sense in survival techniques. Maybe it's the Darwin Awards coming up....

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 09:36

Depends. If OP is always this controlling (checking his bank account, endless nagging phone calls) then it's likely he gets to the point of going 'Oh fuck it' and switching off the phone.
Unless there were important plans for today which would need him to be awake and lively, you would have been much better to agree with him that he can make a night of it and you'll see him in the morning.
I know this site can sometimes be Martyr World, where anyone who wants to enjoy themselves by staying up late and having a few drinks is immature, a terrible parent, etc, but now and again it doesn't do any harm to wish your partner luck, send them off and just get on with your own stuff. (Unless, of course, it's one-sided and the other partner never gets free time, even if that partner isn't a late-night party type but would like eg an afternoon free to see friends or pursue hobbies.)

MadeleineMaxwell · 22/12/2019 09:38

Assumptions are based on evidence. Presumptions are not.

Other way around Grin /pedant

daisychain01 · 22/12/2019 09:39

Would you want to be treated like that after a night out?

No, you're right, it should be the Black and Decker power drill and angle grinder for all those urgent pre- Christmas DIY jobs Grin

adaline · 22/12/2019 09:45

I wouldn’t get in such a state I wasn’t able to show my partner the merest hint of respect.

So you've never stayed out later than you planned? Never gotten more drunk than you expected? Never had your phone run out of battery accidentally for some reason? You always arrive home exactly as planned, every single time?

I suspect if a woman posted on here to say she got home late from a Christmas night out and her husband had looked at her bank account to see where she was/what she had spent, and then didn't let her sleep because he was deliberately vacuuming and banging pots and pans around, there would be cries of abuse and LTB.

I'm not excusing his behaviour - in an ideal world, of course he would have arrived home on time or text, but he doesn't deserve to be tracked and given the third degree because he was a bit late!

Lovemusic33 · 22/12/2019 09:47

I’m so thankful I’m single, seen so many of these threads where men put their partners through no knowing where they are or if they are even alive, men going off to strip bars, prostitutes, taking drugs or falling asleep at someone’s house. I’m glad I don’t have that stress in my life.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2019 09:51

So you've never stayed out later than you planned?

Not without informing anyone what was happening

Never gotten more drunk than you expected Never got drunk!

Never had your phone run out of battery accidentally for some reason?

Nope

You always arrive home exactly as planned, every single time?

Things happen but that’s what aforementioned phone (or indeed public phones) are for.

Devereux1 · 22/12/2019 09:52

This is no way to live OP.
Sad

adaline · 22/12/2019 09:56

Things happen but that’s what aforementioned phone (or indeed public phones) are for.

Yeah, but if your phone is dead and you have no change, you can't use a public phone (and not everyone lives somewhere with a public phone that works anyway).

I don't know DH's number off by heart and we don't have a landline, so if my phone died I'd have no way of contacting him unless I could get on FB or similar somehow.

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