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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he was leaving 2 hours ago

186 replies

Whentheleavesfalldown · 22/12/2019 05:21

His works do last night, ended up going into town. His phone's flat, also with my brother so text me off his phone.
Text at 3 to say he's coming home just getting food first.
Two hours later, no where to be seen, brother hasn't replied or picked up my calls.
No food or taxi transactions on his card (joint account), club shut at 3.
This isn't like him at all, but we have had trust issues with drugs in the past but i thought that was all behind us.
Where the fuck would he be? No idea what to do. Part of me thinks he would have thought to walk home if the wait for a taxi was long, but it would take an hour to walk back home.
I have never ever suspected or thought he would cheat on me, but it's 5 in the morning and he's still not back? Or what if he's been attacked and is laying half dead somewhere?
Christ. If i didn't have 8 month old DS asleep, I'd be driving round searching the streets for him!
Any advice on what to do?? If anyones awake :(

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 22/12/2019 10:45

He's allowed a night out

Of course. But if he wanted an absolute blowout he should have made arrangements to stay elsewhere. He was capable of texting at 3 to say he was coming home, he was surely capable of texting to say “actually plans changed, see you in the morning”

He's allowed to feel tender the next day

Which leaves his partner picking up the slack.

I have no time for people with responsibilities who get themselves into such a state they “feel tender” and expect to be able to check out, sleep it off and wifey to be happy about it.

It’s desperately unattractive behaviour and not something that has ever been in my life from parents, partners, ex-husband etc

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2019 10:46

I also think it’s fairly rubbish if “a night out” has to equal “getting shit-faced and incapable”.

Why the emphasis on alcohol to have fun?

PhilCornwall1 · 22/12/2019 10:51
  • Never had your phone run out of battery accidentally for some reason?

Nope*

I have to say, me neither. If I know I am going anywhere for a long time, I make sure my phone is fully charged. I travel many hundreds of miles for work, so making sure a phone is charged really isn't difficult. To make sure a phone is charged for a night out is beyond easy.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/12/2019 10:53

Or if you’ve lost your phone battery you get yourself home. Not get shitfaced and roll in at 8am hammered saying you stayed 5 minutes down the road.
He got himself there, so he was capable of getting home.

The excuses here are terrible.

Quartz2208 · 22/12/2019 10:53

When did going out for the evening and having fun become the concept of a night out where basically it’s ok to get so drunk you do t know what is going on and pretty much spend the rest of the day after comatosed

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 10:58

If DP is going on a night out, I know he'll be hungover the next day and I'll take on almost all responsibilities.

He then knows full well that the day after that he'll be doing pretty much everything so that I get some time to myself too.

If he wants to spend his time to himself feeling like shit, that's up to him. It doesn't make him a bad partner or a bad dad. It also doesn't happen often.

Some people will get a hangover from two glasses of wine.

Other people (like me) can go out and drink 7 cocktails, 8 shots and 2 bottles of wine and wake up the next day feeling fresh as a daisy.

Does that mean I should be allowed to drink copious amounts of alcohol and others shouldn't? Of course not.

Nobody's saying you need alcohol to have fun, but at work Xmas parties a lot of emphasis tends to be on drink.

I'm not excusing HIS actions in any way shape or form, but that's his being selfish, completely unrelated to alcohol consumption.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/12/2019 10:58

Oh and also- he clearly showed no regard for his partner here.
He felt comfortable enough to stay at someone’s house but clearly not comfortable enough to ask to use their phone to either ring OP or if he didn’t know her number he could’ve logged into Facebook or something or found OP from someone else’s profile if he really thought she deserved to know where he was.

Waveysnail · 22/12/2019 11:00

And this is why I make dh stay at his friends on one of his rare nights out. As he tend to go back there anyway and fall asleep (totally comatose) and uncontactbale. Dont be too cross unless it's a regular thing. No one with skin full of drink thinks about anyone else at the time

princesscallie · 22/12/2019 11:05

Wow some of the responses are unreal. Do women not go out and get in states sometimes too?! I know I was out last weekend and cant remember coming home! Not exactly responsible behaviour but sometimes a blow out is needed. Granted he shouldn't have text to say he was on the way home but you can ask him all the questions when hes sobered up a bit!

Minky35 · 22/12/2019 11:09

His behaviour isn’t compatible with having a young baby, complete disregard for the OP worrying about him at home.

CandlelightAndStars · 22/12/2019 11:14

Blimey. I'm no 'cool wife' but reading these threads makes me feel incredibly claustrophobic!

If I had gone out for the evening/night, I would expect to be allowed to do so without phone calls and being checked up on!

I went out with my friends on Friday night, my boyfriend went out with his. We don't live together but neither were we in touch during the evening. He's an adult; I'm an adult. It wouldn't occur to me to check up or 'worry'.

It's not worry people are experiencing. It's a feeling of a loss of control.

LittleDragonGirl · 22/12/2019 11:17

I find that people going on about how this guy would be a ex for this etc is a bit ridiculous. We don't know if the OPs fella does this regularly. If he does then yes it's a issue, but by the sound of it, its been a one off due to the Christmas do. If it's a one off, then yes its inconsiderate and rather selfish, but it's not world ending. Hes gone out to have a good time (if he dosent go out often but enjoys doing so he may have been really making the most of this chance) and very likely gotten very drunk and common decency to message has gone out the window. Regarding his and brothers phone dying, these days smart phone batteries are shit unless your phone is under a year old so I'm.not surprised they died. But long as hes not acting like this regularly, then yes I would he pissed, but I certainly wouldn't be splitting up if it's not regular behaviour. Everyone needs to let off steam, I personally wouldn't do so on a night out as I dont enjoy it, but my husband certainly does and although he dosent come back early morning (as his friends dont stay out that late) if he had the option to he certainly would!
If the OP fella knew she was/would be angry, he may have purposely in his drunken logic decided to avoid going home in the Hope's of avoiding a confrontation due to him just wanting a innocent night out. We dont know as we dont have further context.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/12/2019 11:17
Flowers
CandlelightAndStars · 22/12/2019 11:21

If the OP fella knew she was/would be angry, he may have purposely in his drunken logic decided to avoid going home in the Hope's of avoiding a confrontation due to him just wanting a innocent night out

Quite. Might as well get hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/12/2019 11:22

If it’s a one off then I would let it go. He might well have thought I will go to the mates house for a last beer and walk home from there.

A sober person can see the huge flaw in that plan but a drunk one might not.

adaline · 22/12/2019 11:26

I would be very interested to see how often the OP gets time to herself with an 8 month old baby. She’s done the night shift with the baby, and is now doing the day by herself because her husband couldn’t control himself?

He was last in contact at 3am - when he text OP to say he was getting food and would be heading home. That's probably, what, an arrival time of around 4-4.30am at a guess - so how much use do you think he would have been even if he had gotten home on time? Confused

OP was clearly quite happy to have him stay out until the early hours because it only became an issue because he stopped texting her at about three in the morning.

christma5 · 22/12/2019 11:28

To those saying they don't and don't need contact from their boyfriend on a night out it's slightly different situation. His wife was at home with their son expecting him back at a certain time, it's perfectly reasonable to think that he would bother to update her that he was going to be back far later than originally planned, or indeed not at all. I know if I did that to DH he would be worried about me, not because he'd suspect me of cheating etc, but he'd think something bad had happened to me. He was selfish for leaving OP in dark.

Ferretyone · 22/12/2019 11:34

@Whentheleavesfalldown @Weenurse

Then when he crawls in, get up and make a shit load of noise

Hoovering and banging the skirting boards outside the bedroom does it ...

Transformer123 · 22/12/2019 11:36

Did we ever get to hear from OP what his explanation was? I'm searching for it in the thread but cant find it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 11:44

@Transformer123 he came home and went straight to bed. Wouldn't talk to her.

PawPawNoodle · 22/12/2019 11:52

OP unless your husband has very generous friends and a very high tolerance, he hasn't been taking drugs. You've checked his bank account incessantly and he hasn't withdrawn any cash so he likely hasn't bought any himself and would need a decent amount to carry him through to 8am. That and the fact that he's really drunk would suggest to me he's just been caning the drink and got himself out of his depth.

Tell him you're disappointed in his lack of communication and leave it at that, there's little to gain from giving him the spanish inquisition.

Original poster
Whentheleavesfalldown · 22/12/2019 12:00

For those who are calling me controlling, maybe I am.
I had no problems with him going out, he said he'd be home by midnight but text to say he'd gone into town instead, not a problem at all. The thing that worried me was that he said he was about to come home at 3 and then didn't till 8, i didn't know if he was injured etc.
There have been trust issues with previous drug use, and as it happens he admitted to me this morning he has been using cocaine weekly for months now. My head is a mess

OP posts:
AiryFairyMum · 22/12/2019 12:05

You poor thing. It sounds like he's been a real idiot. Hope you're ok.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 22/12/2019 12:08

He has an 8month old baby so the days or drinking and drugs till the early hours should be well behind him now.
In your shoes, I’d read him the riot act when he gets up.

Unfortunately, you’ve already got a child together but I would be seriously thinking if I’m ok with the father of my child acting so irresponsibly with all night benders.

He’s acting like a teenager. Is he a very young dad?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/12/2019 12:08

Does he have a drug problem? If he's using at home that's an issue, especially when looking after a young baby.

I hope you're ok.