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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think wanting a drink doesn't make you an alcoholic

198 replies

pumpandthump · 21/12/2019 19:14

Because some mnetters do.

This isn't a taat more a thread about several posts on various threads.

I very rarely drink, for example, the last time I had a drink was 15th November at my works Christmas do. Before that I'm not sure, but probably a glass of wine in September or October. I drink roughly once a month, slightly less often. Usually just 1 or 2 drinks, with or after a meal. This year I have been 'merry' but not drunk, once.

Christmas day I enjoy a drink- bucks fizz as we open presents in the morning, a glass of red or 2 with our meal and then a Bailey's in the evening once the kids are in bed. I don't HAVE to have them, but I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't, it's part of the tradition.

According to some posters, being unwilling to forego this alcohol makes me an alcoholic. Aibu to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:
Dongdingdong · 21/12/2019 22:51

If you truly had no attachment to alcohol you wouldnt miss it or feel less than because its not there.

I’d miss the turkey and feel disappointed with Christmas dinner if it wasn’t there - doesn’t mean I have an attachment to turkey, does it?

IamPickleRick · 21/12/2019 22:53

My mum would never suggest that I didn’t have my drink just because she was there. She knows how little I drink usually and because she always viewed her drink (2 bottles of wine a night) as a treat, she sees my (one spritzer and maybe a baileys coffee) as my treat. And she’d never begrudge anyone their “little bit of something”. She didn’t dislike drinking as such, she just disliked that it destroyed everything she loved. She understands that it doesn’t do that for everyone but it does for her because she can’t stop herself once she starts. She knows I can. Of course I could go without happily but I would be a bit disappointed because I only drink at Christmas and my birthday 😂

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 23:00

There is a very weird thing about drinking on here. Anyone who gets drunk even once is accused of being an alchoholic. It's very odd indeed. A couple of drinks a night and you need urgent help.

What's even odder is I recall a thread where someone asked what was the one thing you'd love to have in your weekly shop but couldn't afford and the number one answer was alcohol.

Which makes me think a lot of the non drinkers it's because they can't afford it, and seldom socialise, rather than a deliberate choice.. Then attack those who do have the choice and choose to exercise it.

I don't know anyone in real life who'd accuse someone of being an alcoholic Because they got drunk once or had a couple of drinks a night. But on here it's very common.

IamPickleRick · 21/12/2019 23:24

Mine is a choice, I just think why spend the money when a cup of tea is just as nice Grin Drinking at home feels very sad as well, like a deeply lonely thing to do so I suppose that’s why I don’t. Maybe that’s my relationship/association with alcohol coming through!

lilgreen · 21/12/2019 23:25

Tea is great when you want tea. Wine is fab when you want wine, in company or alone.

Lulualla · 21/12/2019 23:41

How is drinking at home sad? Surely it depends on context.

If you're feeling lonely and sand and you wait till the kids are in ned so you can down a bottle of wine then yes, that's sad. But just having a glass of wine with a tasty dinner, or whilst reading a good book? What's sad about that?

shortaris1 · 21/12/2019 23:45

I'm happily on here and having some fizz on my own tonight. Nothing sad about it, it's very tasty.

IamPickleRick · 21/12/2019 23:47

I just find it a very sorrowful thing to do. Drinking alone at home for me is my mum having two bottles, smashing the house up while crying, then falling asleep in the porch. Even in the best possible light I can only picture it as the need to blot out an emotion or to escape something or as an aid to feel merry or happy. Christmas isnt like that, it’s joyful and fun and full of people. If you have a drink alone at home and enjoy it, please do, I just personally find it a very lonely way to escape reality.

HopeClearwater · 21/12/2019 23:52

@MrsEnglishh clearly you know nothing about addiction. ‘Choosing’ is about this job or that job, meat or vegetarian, blue sweater or red sweater. Alcoholics do not ‘choose’ to die in squalor, having lost their job, home, family, self-respect and finally, health. You’re dangerously near to saying that people choose to have mental illnesses. Is that really where you want to go?

Porkchops83 · 21/12/2019 23:57

@Tinytimoteo no smoking isn't a disease
But addiction is!!!!

Porkchops83 · 22/12/2019 00:10

@MrsEnglishh
You sound like a vile human being.
Some of the things you have said on here tonight have made me feel like shut and really sad.
I'm also embarrassed on your behalf for being such a cold, horrible, bitter, beast.
I hope you find some peace because you sound like you have a horrible life, with very few friends, or maybe just friends similar to you which is say is far worse.
Gross

Makesomenoiseforthevengaboys · 22/12/2019 00:46

@iampicklerick None of the above. I live alone and have spent the week seeing friends and family and will do so again next week. Tonight I've enjoyed cooking myself a nice meal and having some fizz. Very pleasant. I'm never lonely.

Your upbringing sounds awful though. Sorry

Emmmie · 22/12/2019 00:55

In my opinion, the culture here dictates that one should definitely drink alcohol or else one is considered weird or boring. Drinking seems to be something people talk about so much, even older adults at work /during work dinners. I don’t get it but that is not the point. So I do understand that people who have addictive personalities/underlying mental conditions may become dependent on alcohol after trying it or enjoying it for a while.

However, how can one believe that shooting up heroin (for example) for the very first time is not a choice?! It is very difficult to come back from that kind of drug abuse and this is a well known fact. Could it be that a person feels so terrible at the moment and they do not care about the consequences?

Genuinely interested, not looking for trouble, would like some enlightenment here 😊

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/12/2019 01:15

The heroin addicts I have known have always become addicted for a reason which started well before their first use of the drug. The reasons have been various, so it's difficult to classify; but on the whole I would say they fell into two categories: the ones who first used because when you start it is the most amazing high (and then when it stopped being amazing and became essential for them to function they were trapped) and the ones who first used because it was a way to stop thinking about or to stop noticing something they were finding intolerable (and then when it stopped helping them escape from the intolerable they couldn't function without it and they were trapped).

Heroin was not my drug of choice all those decades ago when I was experimenting with life; I preferred amphetamines and LSD. But I am lucky, because I don't have what is called "an addictive personality" or at least used to be called that when I was doing drugs, so I genuinely did have a choice, and I chose to stop. I stopped smoking when I decided to, as well, and had no trouble giving up caffeine. I must be utterly maddening for this, but I have never seen it as a virtue in me, because I know that for a lot of people the choice that I had and have doesn't exist. They are people who have the capacity to become addicted and I am not, and luck is not a virtue.

And knowing that gets rid forever of any temptation to be holier-than-thou about it or them.

MissMoan · 22/12/2019 01:17

I don't drink myself, but I have no issues with anyone else enjoying a bit of alcohol. If you want to enjoy it then go ahead.

Makesomenoiseforthevengaboys · 22/12/2019 01:24

I worked with a lot of addicts and CSA and trauma were very, very common threads.

Therefore I wasn't a dick and treated them with kindness and funnily enough they responded well to me.

Greggers2017 · 22/12/2019 01:26

@Bodear most alcoholics aren't physically dependent? Are you for reAl?

Emmmie · 22/12/2019 01:32

@AskingQuestionsAllTime - Thank you very much for a detailed explanation.

BinkyBaa · 22/12/2019 01:53

Yanbu, anyone who says you're unreasonable for being unwilling not to have a drink when you want one is confusing needing something to function with just really wanting something because you enjoy it.

katy1213 · 22/12/2019 02:10

By my standards, you're almost teetotal!
Recovering alcoholics - how did they creep in? not in your original post - have to learn how to function in a world in which alcohol exists. If they can't, they're not recovering, are they? Their addiction is their own problem, as I'm sure most would agree.
You can't expect people to forgo puddings because you're on a diet.

Bodear · 22/12/2019 04:40

@virginpinkmartini
@Skidzer
@Greggers2017
I say this is a recovering alcoholic who spends time with other alcoholics. Of the people I see and speak to most were not physically dependent and the medical definition of alcoholism does not require physical dependency as a symptom.
Alcoholism is really more around emotional dependency but of course in time that can lead to physical dependency. Alcoholism is about the inability to control drinking once you start and how much time you spend thinking about drinking. It’s a much wider condition than those people who suffer withdrawals without it.
If people allow themselves to seek help and treatment at an earlier stage (before the physical dependency) rather than being able to justify their drinking because they don’t have withdrawal symptoms, then all to the good.

WaitrosesCheapestVodka · 22/12/2019 05:26

@MrsEnglishh

You've been rightly slated for saying addicts are to blame for their addiction by choosing to use their substance once. This is particularly ridiculous argument for alcohol addiction, as it's legal and routinely consumed safely by a large proportion of the population. There is clearly some tendency for an addict, probably inherited, which makes them more prone to addiction. They would not know this until it's too late.

I think we do need to be careful how we apply the disease model though. Addicts do have a degree of choice and responsibility, although of course it's not an easy or straightforward one. The Mental Health Act does not define addiction as a mental disorder, so you can't force anyone to stop drinking/using. Anyone in treatment does so by choice, and continues to abstain by choice. People don't choose to die in the gutter directly, but lots of unwise choices get them there.

We need to fund addiction services. People do need outreach to get to a position to make change. Many areas have charity based services only. It's not exactly a vote winner though, is it?

6utter6ean · 22/12/2019 05:33

@MrsEnglish It sounds as if you have had some really difficult life events to work through and for that I'm sorry Flowers. Life is often really challenging for everyone - some much more so than others - and we all find our own ways of dealing with it. Some people, for whatever reason, be it genetics, parenting,, whatever, find ways of coping that become disfunctional and this is where alcohol dependency can come in. It's not helpful to scorn or dismiss anyone for their choices and the results of those choices. We are all trying to work through this mess we call life and compassion is a far more useful and humane response to have.

Greggers2017 · 22/12/2019 07:09

@Bodear what you're saying to me is alcohol abuse or problem drinking. An alcoholic needs alcohol to function, therefore they are alcohol dependent. Wether that be physically or mentally dependent.
If you constantly think about alcohol and need a drink you are mentally dependent.
If I had worked with you and what you describe, you would be considered mentally dependent. If you didn't suffer physical symptoms when you were withdrawing then maybe not physically dependent.
All the psychiatrists and GPs I have worked with will say the same. Even high functioning alcoholics are dependent at some level.

Dongdingdong · 22/12/2019 07:27

Anyone saying the OP is an alcoholic is massively trivialising the issue for those people who really do have a dangerous dependency on alcohol. Shameful.