Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
YouretheChristmasCarcass · 22/12/2019 00:01

I don't know what other posters want. OP has spoken to the DC's father, extended the invitation and assured him that she/others are there for him and the children. At this point, what more can OP do?

VanyaHargreeves · 22/12/2019 00:23

I don't know what other posters want

I don't "want" anything.

I find the update completely disingenuous, I could elaborate on why, but I don't particularly care to give my energy to writing out a long winded pasting to a total stranger whose stance won't in the least be altered by it, in the season of goodwill, a festive spirit in which the OP demonstrably lacks unless as it applies to their "own little family"

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 00:29

@DecemberSnow don't be silly. You cannot decide to take children from their parent because you think the parent is unfit, unless the parent is willing for you to take them. Even if you are that parent's own parent or other close family.

justilou1 · 22/12/2019 00:37

Can you not drop some presents around for the kids and keep the ban in place. Maybe organise to do something with just the kids in the new year?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/12/2019 00:37

Okay easy for me to say I’m not in that situation, but The women is ill. Addiction isn’t a choice, is it. I personally think it’s a bit cruel to turn your backs on her especially at Christmas.
I hope she’s strong enough to get help soon.

selmabear · 22/12/2019 00:42

Please don't leave the DC out of what I'm sure will be a wonderful Christmas for them. I was a child of an alcoholic parent and if it wasn't for family then I'm sure some of our christmases would have been horrific.

DecemberSnow · 22/12/2019 00:49

@ReanimatedSGB

If they was pissed all the time, Yes i would regardless of what is right or wrong.
And the police and SS can happily get involved. If she is drunk all the time, the children are at risk

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/12/2019 01:01

OP, it sounds to me that you are doing the best in a bad situation with no right answers...

To the rest who disagree with that you can fuck right off. Obviously the OP cares about the kids and the drunk. But what is she supposed to do? The family member is the parent...SSthinks the situation doesn’t warrant removal. Should there be a kidnapping? Because that is what it would be if the children were removed from the mother. Should they all be invited over so the mother can ruin the day for all of them including her children?

The Op has let the father know that the mother is drinking...father has been invited to come with the kids. JFC, reality is messy and can’t be sorted out with a little bow. Some of must be really lucky to live in your perfect worlds.

YappityYapYap · 22/12/2019 01:27

Is the host your sister OP and the alcoholic is your mum that has younger kids with a newer partner?

Fucket · 22/12/2019 08:23

why are people advocating that OP and the host must have the children for Christmas, and inferring they are heartless and cruel.

The children have two parents one who is sober and one who is not. Why should the father not be allowed to decide what is best for his children? If he was an alcoholic but is now successfully recovering has he not shown he is capable of putting his children first.

Alcoholism is a terrible, terrible affliction. You want to do something, anything to fix it, you cannot. No amount of wishing and hoping, time or money thrown at it will help. and it doesn’t matter how much love you show the alcoholic, you can be there for them but ultimately if the alcohol ruining your life, your mental health, affecting your children you have to draw a line. I don’t suppose anyone who has ever loved and lost an alcoholic has not wished they could have help save them. It’s impossible to do without the alcoholic themselves being willing. They will drag you down the rabbit hole of despair - personally I felt suicidal.

I make no judgement on anyone who wishes to protect themselves from it, and if OP and the host wants a Xmas without the alcoholic then go for it. Put yourselves first for one day and then go back to worrying sick for your loved one.

ArranUpsideDown · 22/12/2019 08:44

I think lots of PP have experience of this from both sides and have seen it play out over generations.

I think a fair number of children with alcoholic parents know that they will have a ghastly Christmas whether they're at home with their parent/s or visiting others and on edge for the moment the shoe drops and something wretched happens. There is no good outcome, there are scenes every way.

It's disappointing that the children's father won't intervene but that's the family dynamics of addiction.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2019 08:59

why are people advocating that OP and the host must have the children for Christmas, and inferring they are heartless and cruel.

It's really more efficient to read the thread before asking questions that would be easily explained if you had done so.

gamerwidow · 22/12/2019 10:11

Your update comes across to me a lot less well then you might assume...
Really what what you like here instead?
Perhaps instead of inviting the dad and children (like so many people have advised!) she should have kidnapped the kids?
Or maybe she should go round xmas day and march them all round to the Christmas event against their dads will?
The children will be with their father who is the only one in a position to decide where they go and what they do.
If he says no they’re staying with me as he has done what can the OP do?
I’d love to know how you would do better here.

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2019 10:15

I would personally have a dry christmas and invite her and the kids. I don't think it's a big ask. Helping others and a bit of self sacrifice is supposed to be what Christmas is all about, it's not supposed to be a selfish festival. We all drink far too much anyway, a sober day isn't going to kill anyone and you can all drink when she is not there.

gamerwidow · 22/12/2019 10:16

I would personally have a dry christmas and invite her and the kids.
Omg the OP has stated over and over again a dry xmas will not help. The OP is 100% happy to have a dry Xmas this is not the issue FFS.

flumposie · 22/12/2019 10:42

Your update shows you have tried your best. You have invited the children and their dad and so are not excluded as others seem to feel. There is no more you can do if they are with their Dad.

yellowallpaper · 22/12/2019 11:23

They can't attend. It's as simple as that. The other DC at the party cannot be subjected to an alcoholic and their behaviour. It's a matter of what's best for the majority of children I'm afraid. Hopefully their dad will find a way out of the situation.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/12/2019 11:35

Very naive to imagine that the alcoholic family member will have a dry Christmas, they aren't capable at the moment. Imposing a dry Christmas means they will turn up drunk/hide alcohol in the garden or handbag/ nip out for some fresh air and actually go to the pub.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 22/12/2019 11:48

Yes a dry Christmas will solve nothing. Also very naive to suggest inviting her and if she gets drunk you send her home Hmm what you’re doing right there is lighting a match in a fireworks factory. She would cause the most unholy and stressful scene. Her poor children would probably literally be pulled in two directions. All the other children would be witness to it. Not inviting her really is the best decision.

greenlavender · 22/12/2019 11:50

For me it would depend on if there are other children

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/12/2019 12:58

They have separated parents, both in recovery, one of whom seems unable to stay sober.

So from that we should infer that dad drinks too or at least did? So what happens if he relapses too?

formerbabe · 22/12/2019 13:03

I think it's disgusting they're being excluded. My now deceased father was an alcoholic....it's a hellish life being the child of an alcoholic. Very cruel to their children to do this.

formerbabe · 22/12/2019 13:05

And we were treated like shit by other family members and teachers and punished continually for the faults of our father. The other adults in the family should shoulder the responsibility of the day to help the kids...rather than leaving them out to deal with all the crap themselves.

bottlenose301 · 22/12/2019 13:45

I think an earlier post on here about hosting them as usual but calling a taxi if she gets drunk and allowing the DC to stay might work? Especially if there is no alcohol to drink in the house, although hidden, it will be harder for her to get wasted.

BanjoStarz · 22/12/2019 18:14

I still don’t understand why you don’t think it’s acceptable for your children/other children in the family to be exposed to the alcoholic for one day but you’re perfectly happy for the alcoholics children to live with her?

That’s what makes you sound like you just don’t want a fuss this Christmas.

And I get it, I really really do...dealing with alcoholism is emotionally exhausting...but everyone else’s kids get to go home to a happy safe house...those two children don’t. I don’t see how anyone can think that situation is ok.

I really hope the children’s father does use this against her to get full custody of the children. Sounds like they’d be better of with him.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread