Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
FelicisNox · 22/12/2019 18:52

Support it.

If you can have the kids over great, but it's time you all put your foot down as a collective and instead of just banning her you need to go over and tell her: you all love her and want to support her as much as possible and it starts now by not putting her in situations she is clearly not ready to handle. She needs professional help and she is welcome in all other situations she can cope with.

Could you all not have an alcohol free Christmas in order to show solidarity? Christmas is about family not booze.

My best friend is a recovering alcoholic and it got so bad I had to cut her off temporarily as the stress was killing me and she had no impetus to change her ways; I wasn't the only one and it sparked change. She's now been alcohol free for 2 years but as her friends we made a lot of changes to support her.

Could you not go to the do and go to hers so she's not alone?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 22/12/2019 18:52

If it's highly likely she'll present behaviours children shouldn't be around, I can sadly understand the host's decision. I don't know what posters think OP can do about the children, you can't just take them away. SS are useless and do not remove children until it's usually too late.

Feliznavidad19 · 22/12/2019 18:58

@BanjoStarz “I still don’t understand why you don’t think it’s acceptable for your children/other children in the family to be exposed to the alcoholic for one day but you’re perfectly happy for the alcoholics children to live with her?”

Exactly this! Sure yeah fine for the kids to be subjected to it day in day out, but at Xmas nah. Best to let them stay at home and it not ruin your day, Must be so draining for you...it’s ruining their childhood and lives but yeah Xmas....🙄

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 22/12/2019 19:02

As long as the DCs can be with their dad and not stuck with mum then you are NBU. Yes it may not be their perfect Christmas but neither would seeing their mum in a state again be their perfect Christmas- even if they are with their cousins. As long as you can be certain they are with their dad then you've done all you can until she sobers up again, which you seem to feel she will do.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 22/12/2019 19:06

I think an earlier post on here about hosting them as usual but calling a taxi if she gets drunk and allowing the DC to stay might work?

Really bad idea.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 22/12/2019 19:17

No- please have the kids and put up with parent - and have a dry Christmas?

Sisimck · 22/12/2019 19:21

I agree

Breathlessness · 22/12/2019 19:22

Why do so many people seem to think that having ‘a dry Christmas’ will solve everything? It doesn’t matter if no one else is drinking. The alcoholic who’s off the wagon is still going to be drinking, even if it’s downing vodka in the loo.

Havana7 · 22/12/2019 19:29

I think YABU. I understand completely where your coming from. However, you are adults and your saying she will ruin Christmas. You all have a much better chance of dealing with her then two innocent little children who will have to deal with her being drunk at home alone if you exclude them.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 22/12/2019 19:38

Following a conversation with the dad last night I have confirmed that the DC are with him and will continue to be for a while at least. As previously posted I have (with permission of the host) extended the invite to the dad. I think it unlikely he will come but it is there.

All that I've said before I think.

As for being booze free I've said several times that alcohol is not central to our existence and we would do this if it made any difference. Anyone who has lives with an alcoholic knows it won't and in fact denying alcohol can be dangerous.

So the host and I will continue to provide the support we have been to the drinker and hope to help them through rehab. We will regularly remind her ex that we are there and he/ the DC are welcome any time.

The point of this thread was not to ask for advice but to get some perspective. Living with an alcoholic in the family has presented some of the most difficult family situations and we don't always get it right.

I thank those who have helped us extend a bigger hand of help to the DC father and to get my head in shape.

Those of you who have said terrible, cruel and unkind things I maintain that you are welcome to your opinion but until you have really walked in someone's shoes your judgment may well be clouded by your own issues.

Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

OP posts:
FaveNumberIs2 · 22/12/2019 19:41

How about you (as in the host mainly but everyone) support this family member by not having alcohol at the Christmas do, and still including her and her kids, therefore teaching the children that family means more than just banning a person who needs help.

Fucking families boil my piss.

Milkandhoney123 · 22/12/2019 19:51

Sorry but I think it is perfectly possible to host an 8 and 10yr old without their parent

sophiestew · 22/12/2019 20:00

I don't understand.

You say it is impossible to get the DC to the hosts house. So how was the mother going to get them there? The logistics must work.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic parent, but there is something almost vengeful in the way you write about this woman. Clearly that isn't how you wanted it to come across but there's something not quite right here.

I hope it works out well and the "banned" family member and her children get the support they need.

Laiste · 22/12/2019 20:07

I think the extension of a hand to the dad this xmas, along with the genuine invitation to him to come to the gathering with the children on the day is an excellent result of this thread.

I hope with all my heart that he accepts and comes along with those kids even if it's only for a couple of hours.

Flowers
NONONONONNO · 22/12/2019 20:08

Hi, could you suggest they have a no alcohol celebration, I have a family member with a drink problem who isn't invited to family events and celebrations, makes her feel really crappy, she is fine at mine as I don't drink so there isn't any temptation for her.. Christmas is about family, invite all the family don't invite the alcohol...

theartoftired · 22/12/2019 20:30

As the child of an alcoholic, please invite the kids

DreamTheMoors · 22/12/2019 20:31

I think with alcoholics, it’s less that they have alcoholism and more that alcoholism has them.
Don’t give up on your family member, OP, and don’t let her give up on herself.

BoxedWine · 22/12/2019 20:41

The posts about having a no alcohol day are getting annoying now. It's one thing to be naïve, not everyone has the life e

BoxedWine · 22/12/2019 20:42

xperience to understand what a pointless suggestion that is, but we can all RTFT.

Olivapopespopcorn · 22/12/2019 21:02

Alcoholism is an illness though, so running out of sympathy seems a bit harsh. 8 and 10 are surely old enough to ask them to sleep over for a few days while their parent tries to sort themselves out, no? The children should definitely not be missing out.

GabsAlot · 22/12/2019 22:17

Read the update theyre with their father op cant demand they come round

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 22:18

FFS, having a piously 'dry Christmas' does not help. An alcoholic will just bring a secret stash of booze.

DurhamDurham · 22/12/2019 22:26

You can't just decide to keep other people's children with you for a few days so the parents can 'sort themselves out', the parents have to want to do that and alcoholics are usually in denial and lie about the extent of their drinking. There isn't a quick fix, that's a very simplistic way of looking at this situation.

manicmij · 22/12/2019 22:28

Alcohol free event. Not everyone's preferred choice I know but plenty alcohol free wine and beer do taste reasonable. ( I enjoy a Becks Blue) Christmas is for children so surely a part of it could be given over to them being able to enjoy the family event.

manicmij · 22/12/2019 22:42

Don't for a moment want to give impression I do not understand how difficult it is having to manage situations with alcoholics. I've worked with them. Your posting to me was about how to get the children to the gathering probably with an alcoholic parent. So sorry if you feel I belittled the situation. Your concern for the children is certainly warranted.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.