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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/12/2019 19:45

She's their mum; they love her.

We don't know that. I've hated and been terrified of mine ever since I can remember.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 21/12/2019 19:46

Also, I appreciate that SS see no need to remove them. But perhaps they are unaware of the full extent of the problem. I mean, surely if her behaviour is so bad when she drinks, SS need to be made aware. If she's ok to be left in charge of the kids, surely she's not going to be in such a state as to cause total havoc on Xmas day? I'd it a case that she has a tendency to argue with parents/siblings when drunk (i.e. you and your family bear the brunt of it)?

LifeBeginsNow · 21/12/2019 19:48

I agree with @cabbageking. When I was in a similar position at their age, I would have been mortified watching my parent slurring, stumbling and being aggressive around family. I remember feeling like I needed to calm the situation but there was nothing I could do. I used to dread gatherings as it always ended up in embarrassment. After enduring the ordeal, we would then have the journey home while my dad ranted about people who had apparently insulted him (they hadn't).

As much as I was gutted to miss out, it was so much better for us when we stopped attending these gatherings. It's obviously had a knock on effect as I'm no longer close to my cousins but at the time it was the right decision.

It's a rock and a hard place situation.

Fucket · 21/12/2019 19:50

OP you are going to have to accept that if your sister has relapsed and the children’s father is half decent, he will be seeking to get full custody of the children.

And you really have to support that, and yes you may not see the children as much, but if you stand by your sister you may never see them again. Because the dad may not trust your intentions.

I seriously would walk away from your sister there is nothing you can do for her, she has to do it herself. Support the children, and their father, and be angry at your sister for putting alcohol before her children.

Boots20 · 21/12/2019 19:51

they are not our responsibility

Sorry but they are children who you claim to love & they are liable to have a horrible Christmas with a relapsing unfit parent. Either you step in as a family and help them or you alert social services or perhaps their dad/dad's side of the family maybe someone will step in and be 'responsible' for them

DM1209 · 21/12/2019 19:52

I could not in good conscience ignore children that I claim to love in favour of a 'no drama' Christmas while they potentially struggle with an alcoholic parent, I just could not do it.

I understand that we all have families of our own but you are there with and for your children, protecting them and giving them a wonderful Christmas. Who is doing that for these children? And if you, claiming to 'love' them won't have them with you and the rest of the family over Christmas then why is their father not having them permanently seeing as their mother isn't in the thick of her own addiction.

YABU and this thread is more about making the right noises but not actually doing the best for these children.

People really are so selfish about their own Christmas! It's sad.

and you can show them an example of kindness and loyalty to loved ones.

LemonAndGin · 21/12/2019 19:52

@spingly you sound like one of those people that has a drink and keeps banging on and on and had to be ultimately absolutely right about everything.

So yeah, I give in, you're right, I'm wrong, you win.

cultmaskid · 21/12/2019 19:55

I would invite her and ask her if she wants to take a sleeping pill and go to bed early so she doesn't get tempted to get really booze

Please don't leave her alone at Christmas

Unicornhamster · 21/12/2019 20:02

This thread is incredibly sad. OP all you have said is how you can’t do anything, how you must support the host in rescinding the invite. The thread has helped you see this? all the comments are overwhelmingly in favour of you sorting something, anything so those poor kids don’t have to spend Christmas Day parenting their mother. You aren’t sure if they are with their dad but won’t answer PPs question will you be contacting him? It is absolutely yours and the rest of the adults in your family responsibility to ensure those children are safe so if you’re not willing to provide them a place to be on Christmas you need to make sure someone else can.
Can you imagine if anything happened to them whilst in the care of their drunk mother but you didn’t help because there is only so much you can do?

cultmaskid · 21/12/2019 20:02

I agree with you @Bluntness100

She wants us to tell her it's ok that she doesn't want to be with a vulnerable and sick relative

Tara336 · 21/12/2019 20:03

OP I have an alcoholic in the family, they have a DD who I love very much and I see a scared child who I can’t help no matter how much I want too, I do my best and take her away from the situation as much as I can, but have nothing to do with her DF. I imagine you have done as much as you can and it seems you have realise that there is nothing you can do to change the situation (as have I). I have been NC for 9 years as I just couldn’t take anymore, in that time he has done all sorts including threats of violence towards our DF last Christmas Day (I didn’t go that day obviously). People are very quick to judge and dish out advice when they have no idea how abusive addicts can be to their families

1Morewineplease · 21/12/2019 20:04

You say that one parent is in recovery and the other keeps lapsing. I suggest Early Help are contacted immediately so that they can out plans in place.

cultmaskid · 21/12/2019 20:05

It's lucky you are not the alcoholic relative who will be thrown to the side

Addiction is so deeply engrained to the body and mind that it's not as simple as trying everything and then being able to give up.

I know because I have an addiction to painkillers after years of taking them. I hate the withdrawal. If something happens and I have to start taking them again I always hate stopping them again. I always think about pills even though I don't take them every day. I am an addict. I don't behave badly or in an embarrassing way when I take them but I tell you what if I did I would be bereft if I was left out for it.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2019 20:05

People are very quick to judge and dish out advice when they have no idea how abusive addicts can be to their families

A lot of the people on this thread (including myself) are giving their views very much based on their own experience.

I really doubt the OP has done as much as she could given that she can't compromise on her Christmas day being upset...

Thestrangestthing · 21/12/2019 20:06

How simply awful that you and the host have put your own - relatively minor - needs of Christmas above the needs of young children in very difficult circumstances.

Ah but the OP and the rest of the family can block that out and have a lovely festive day, so it's all good.

spingly · 21/12/2019 20:09

@LemonAndGin your name seems very apt! You started the aggression, or have you conveniently forgotten that? Drinkers do that..... get stress over then say it wasn't them...

spingly · 21/12/2019 20:09

*get aggressive

spingly · 21/12/2019 20:10

*How simply awful that you and the host have put your own - relatively minor - needs of Christmas above the needs of young children in very difficult circumstances.

Ah but the OP and the rest of the family can block that out and have a lovely festive day, so it's all*

^^this

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 21/12/2019 20:12

If it's not possible for you to host the parent and thus you can't have the kids either is it possible for someone/a couple of people to go to their home instead so at least the kids have a responsible adult around if parent falls off the wagon again on Christmas Day?

Mintychoc1 · 21/12/2019 20:12

I feel so sorry for those poor kids. It’s seems like no one is fussed what sort of Christmas they have.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 20:15

For those of you who say we haven't done enough I would encourage you to walk a mile in our shoes and then make that judgment. We are no better or worse than the next person but I can confidently say that we've done everything we can. Alcoholism is like no other illness I have ever known.

I'll speak to the dc's father and remind him that we are here to help. If he wants to come at Christmas with the kids I am sure he will be welcome.

OP posts:
spingly · 21/12/2019 20:19

@DownToTheSeaAgain I have walked your shoes.... my brothers children came first above my feelings and uncomfortableness.

You asked for opinions and you've got them.

sonjadog · 21/12/2019 20:25

I think that is a good idea to ring the children´s father and suggest that, OP.

Tbh, I think a lot of us posting on here are all too familiar with being in this situation and that is why we are pushing for you not to wash your hands of the children. But trying to deal with this situation is exhausting and demoralizing, so I think you deserve sympathy and understanding for that too.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2019 20:27

For those of you who say we haven't done enough I would encourage you to walk a mile in our shoes and then make that judgment

Once again - many of the posters here have said that they have direct experience of alcoholism. My judgement comes very much from a place of direct knowledge.

I can confidently say that we've done everything we can

Again - given that you are prioritising Not Having A Fuss on Christmas day above the children - I really REALLY doubt that you have done everything you can.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2019 20:29

Alcoholism is like no other illness I have ever known

Have you educated yourself in detail on it?

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